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Couture's Championship Profiles: World Heavyweight Champion The Great Khali
By James E. Couture
Sep 20, 2007 - 11:36 AM

Folks, it’s the man who thinks it’s greener on both sides of the fence, me, James E. Couture. You know, Couturamaniholiacs, this week saw the end of an era in professional wrestling. No, it wasn’t when Mark Henry’s historic winning streak came to a screeching halt at the hands of the Undertaker, it was much bigger than that. At least 5 inches bigger than that (schwing!). That’s right, it’s a memoriam to The Great Khali, World Heavyweight Champion!

When Edge defeated the Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship earlier this year, the sky was the limit. So many dream match-ups: Edge v. Batista. Batista v. Edge. Deacon Bautista v. Archbishop Edgemund Tutu. Then, after Batista lost a last chance match to Edge, it appeared we’d have a new challenger. What young gun would step up to the plate and show off his athleticism? Who would be the fresh face in the World Title scene?

It was Kane.

While, sure, they had fought each other like 8 or 9 times, it was totally like two years later, so that didn’t matter. It was like catching an episode of The Simpsons from a couple years ago for the first time on syndication. It’s new to YOU, right? Anyway, days before the match, Kane ripped off one of Edge’s arms and set it on fire. Wait, that’s too badass. Let’s try “chokeslammed him while wearing clown jammies in a faux Mardi Gras celebration”. That’s just about stupid enough. Either way, with his arm hanging more limp and lifeless than Dick Cheney trying to make love to his wife WITHOUT a loaded gun in the bed with them, Edge was forced to relinquish his Championship. Internet smarks cried a little inside. I know I did.

With the title up for grabs, what was to become of Kane? The named #1 contender, would he be awarded the title by forfeit? Would GM Theodore Long name another contender to fight Kane for the title? No, no, no. That would give wrestling the air of legitimacy, and that’s just unacceptable. Instead, Kane was thrown out the window, literally, and a 20 man battle royal took place the same night as the forfeiture. Somehow, the 7’9” 670 pound Great Khali (fabulous he) was able to overcome future legends like Kenny Dykstra and Brent and Brad Major and become World Heavyweight Champion.

“I was-a sopissed I cudn’a be in da battil roy’l for de Dub-Dub E Shampionship. I was gonna tap a da boot three time an’ kick dat sumna bish Great Khali’s head off of his f***ot shoulders and **** his **** in the **** till the handle broke off.”
                   - Iron Sheik, from his new daily radio show on ClubWWI.com, “Isn’t it Iron-ic, Sheik”, 2007

From there it was complete and utter destruction. Khali, realizing his hands could squeeze things, turned his newfound ability on his foes, grabbing a part of his opponent’s body and squeezing till they felt like exploding, or at least were red in the face. Ric Flair lost to the claw, though he may or may not deny that fact. Even Batista was hard pressed to find a way to fell him, except for running at him and tackling him. Rey Mysterio proved internet critics right when it was revealed his head was in fact made of strawberry jam, as Khali squoze like there was no tomorrow. With the Undertaker out leading a ministry in Death Valley, I think, and Kane, Ric Flair, Mysterio, and Batista falling short, who would step up and fell the giant.

It was Batista again.

Somehow Bizzle was able to overcome the odds and pin the Great Khali in a triple threat match with Mexterio at No Mercy, wait, Cyber Tuesday, wait, Unforgivable or whatever the filler pay-per-view du mois is. Still, fans would always have the memories: Khali standing there. Khali swinging his arms and hitting something sometime. Khali squeezing. That sweet giant leg to the chest he did to Jeff Hardy on Raw last week. All of it is just building for that eventual Great Khali 2-DVD set, with interviews with Daivari, his current handler Rimjob Singh, and the man himself, Charles “Great” Khali.

Well, until Congress decides to crackdown on illegal distribution of video cameras to football coaches, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

Fabulous he.