Couture's Championship Profiles: WWF Champion Mankind

Folks, it's your #283 source for pro wrestling news, me, James E. Couture. Now, since wrestling's dying for at least the third time in my lifetime (other deaths include 1995 and 2002), I figured I'd do what the USA Network wants to do and go back to the good ol' days. It's Attitude, it's hobbly old man knees, it's Mankind, WWF Champion!

In 1999, no wrestler was hotter than Mankind, except for Stone Cold, The Rock, and Evan Karagias. As SummerSlam rolled around, Stone Cold was in need of an opponent, having dispatched of The Rock, The Undertaker, and The Vince McMahon. Using wrestling magic, Triple H was #1 contender, then Chyna won it from him, then she lost it to Triple H and Mankind, all in one night! That's crazy!

After the #1 contendership was passed around like the one hot chick in an apartment complex, the match was set: Steve Austin v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Manuel Kindoza for the WWE Championship at SummerSlam. But wait, there was also a guest referee who happened to be a governor, too. No, not Maine's Angus King, it was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

"Listen Gorilla, back when I wrestled I was the world's strongest referee, and I didn't accept bribes, except for cash."
- Jesse Ventura, from his memoir "Listen, Gorilla", 2004

In a match that redefined the phrase "Eh, it was alright", Mankind scored the shocking win. There was a title belt for all Mankind.

But this wouldn't be one of those epic "weeks long" title reigns like he had earlier in the year. No, the next night on Raw Triple H got Stone Cold's rematch (wrestling magic again), and thanks to unaffiliated general douche* Shane McMahon, Mankind was pedigreed worse than a purebred Irish wolfhound. The dream was over.

Triple H would go on to inspire more internet columnists and message board posters to pat themselves on the back about how they're "going against the grain" to support him than any other man in history, while Mankind would maintain a level of retirement somewhere between the average retired wrestler and a retired accountant. Me? I'm psyched I might see him at MSG when I see attend Raw on August 13th, but beyond that, I'm all set, and I really wouldn't mind retiring at 23.

Well, until WWE integrates the reality show "Age of Love" into their Diva Search and has us choose between hot twentysomethings and hot late twentysomethings, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

*Unaffiliated General Douche is also my line of cosmetic products, available at all Woolworth Department Stores.