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Couture's Championship Profiles: WWF Hardcore Champion Maven
By James E. Couture
Jun 14, 2007 - 1:03 PM

Folks, it's the only man closely following Sylvain Grenier's draft status, me, James E. Couture. Now, I normally don't do requests because, to paraphrase my idol, Vice President Dick Cheney, "Screw the public, they're f****ng idiots", but this week I didn't feel like doing my own thinking. This week's Profile is your slightly chubby longtime friend with personality problems: an easy score. Thanks to "traceman" in the WWI Forums, that's right, it's Maven, Hardcore Champion!

The year was 2002 and to capitalize on the success of Tough Enough Season 1: Wrestling's Fake, Y'know, they thrust winner Maven Lastname onto the main roster despite the fact that he was massively underprepared.

"That shouldn't be a problem"
                -Steve "Mongo" McMichael, "Kyle Orton: A Tribute", ESPN4, 2006

Even though he didn't really know what the hell he was doing, Maven persisted, embiggened with the spirit of competition. Despite his history as a teacher, he wore neither argyle nor an exclamation point, or even a plaid semi-colon. One of his prizes for winning, besides 10 free minutes of merciless beating from Bob Holly, was a spot in the Royal Rumble. After the Undertaker was distracted by those damn Hardys, Maven pounced with a dropkick most vile. The Undertaker was eliminated. Tony Schiavone called it "the single biggest dropkick in the history of this great sport" while watching it on his friend's illegal cable hook-up.

Thus was the genesis of this Hardcore Title matchup. What, did I forget to mention 'Taker was Hardcore Champion? Yeah, he did too, as he went weeks without appearing on TV with the belt. But eventually he remembered he was champion, and Maven had his shot. It was a Hardcore Title match unlike any other, with sloppy brawling, aluminum cookie sheets, and a trash can that sagged under its own weight. After Maven seemed down and out, The Rock, Undertaker's rival-for-the-month, ran down and leveled Big Evil with a thunderous Rock Bottom. Not this way, not th....THIS way, THIS way, 1-2-3! Maven was Hardcore Champion.

What followed was the stuff of legend, as Maven rattled win after win over the likes of, let's say Test, before meeting his greatest rival: Goldust. And he wouldn't forget the name, either, as 'Dust ended his Hardcore Title reign on February 26th, a scant 21 days after it began.

Of course, as Steve Blackman and Perry Saturn can attest to, a Hardcore Title reign is usually the precursor to major stardom in professional wrestling. Maven was no different as he went on to play 2nd banana to Simon Dean and appeared on the Surreal Life despite not even being famous to wrestling fans. God bless VH1 for making dreams of almost-fame come true.

Well, until Vince McMahon's long lost twin Clifford McMahon tries to take over the Vince's former life and they just change the name of it to Monday Nights of Our Lives, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

(Insert Maven Catchphrase)!