We start in 1993. Fans worldwide wanted to see someone, ANYONE, get the WWE Championship off of the shoulder of Yokozuna. Luckily, Lex Luger happened to be anyone. After bodyslamming Yoko through the hull of the U.S.S. Dan Quayle, Luger was poised for a title match at SummerSlam. Then he forgot you can't win a championship by countout. Why he didn't just toss the 840 pound 'Zuna back into the ring is beyond me. Eitherway, a contractual clause by James E. Cornette meant there would be no rematch.

"Lex Luger couldn't wrestle corn off the cob. Now if the esteemed Mr. Fuji would like to set up a match between the great Yokozuna and a real wrestler, like Terry Taylor, that would put more butts in seats than a tube of Preparation H at a nursing home!" - James E. Cornette, "Best of the 30 Second Backstage Skits with eight guys in them, at least two of whom are involved in a completely different angle", TNA Home Video, 2007

Meanwhile, Bret Hart was doing the same thing he always did when he didn't have the World Title belt: feuding with some midcarder, in this case his brother Owen.

The 1994 Royal Rumble represented the promise of opportunity for many people. For Diesel, it was a chance to prove he was more than just a bodyguard. For Sparky Plugg, it was a way to get his name out there, ludicrous as it may be. For Luger it was a loophole in Cornette's clause, and for Hart a way back to the top.

But early in the night, tragedy struck. No, not IRS being robbed of the Intercontinental Title, though that seems familiar for some reason. No, Luger and Hart were attacked by Kabuki, Tenryu, Owen Hart, and the Quebecers at various stages throughout the night, and I'm pretty sure Marty Jannetty was giving'em dirty looks too. With the two favorites out, could an upset be brewing?

Hell no. After intense action featuring Kwang, Doink, and Samu, Lex Luger came out looking none the worse for wear, and somehow Bret Hart competed despite missing 3/4 of his right leg. After some more action of Adam Bomb proportions, it came down to Luger and Hart. After an intense 4 second showdown, they both tumbled over the top rope, clinging to one another like hat strap velcro and the back of a couch. No camera angle was conclusive in determining who hit the floor first, and modern technology prevented one from being doctored in time. Restart the match? What are you, retarded? No, Jack Tunney said there would be two Royal Rumble winners for the first time in history. Vince McMahon, so pissed at the indeciveness of Tunney, tore both his hamstrings preventing the same from occurring 11 years later.

Still, two Rumble winners meant two World Title matches at WrestleMania, back when that meant something was out of the ordinary. Luckily, that came out to even more Yokozuna ring time than usual, which is a surefire way to make any wrestling show a success. Shoulder pinch=Ratings.

Well, until they repackage Viscera as "Big Fat Boogeyman", I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

Hey, an entire thing about Lex Luger and not one jail or drug reference! It can be done!