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Couture's Championship Profiles: WWE Cruiserweight Champion Hornswoggle
By James E. Couture
Sep 6, 2007 - 9:57 AM

Folks, it’s the founder of the Arm Hair Club for Men, and I’m a client, too, it’s me, James E. Couture. Y’know, I didn’t want to do it. They made me. No, not the voices in my head, not even other internet smarks. No, “they” refers to all the crap I have to do this week. I tried to avoid doing it because I thought it was too easy, but now I realize I need something easy right now. No, not the slutty girl down the hall who’s been with half your floor, no, it’s Hornswaggle, Cruiserweight Champion!

In 2007, the Cruiserweight Championship was, jaw-droppingly, not defended or featured much on SmackDown! television. Champion Chavo Guerrero was seen only intermittently, the highlight of his tenure being a WrestleMania 23 DVD extra feature match teaming with fellow former forgotten Cruiserweight Champ Gregory Helms against Carlito and Ric Flair. So, after going tooth and nail against top contenders like Jimmy Wang Yang, James Wang Yang, and Jim Wang-Yang, Chavo was thrown into a Cruiserweight Open at The Great American Bash. All the top guys under 220, or is it 225, or maybe 215, were there. Funaki. Shannon Moore. Jimmy Wang Yang. Jamie Noble. Chavo Guerrero. It was a veritable “Who’s Who” of cruiserweights, circa 2000, of course. But just before that fateful “ding, ding, ding” of the opening bell, Hornswaggle, otherwise known by his real name, Finlay’s Midget, sprung and dashed through the ring as the bell sounded. What proceeded was the five bigger midgets beating each other up, while the smaller one lied in wait. Seeing Jamie Noble down on the canvas (it must have been a special day, one that ended in “y” or something) Horsewiggle leapt from the top rope, propelling his frame onto the prone Pit Bull with a mighty tadpole splash. The effects must have felt like someone dropped a backpack with at least two books in it right on your chest. Jamie was felled. We had a new Cruiserweight Champion.

Of course, Hornwaddle would go onto defend the title against all the top contenders, including Jamie Noble, Jamie Knoble, and in a featured match this Friday, against the former James Gibson, Jamie Noble! Each match was, or will be, wackier than the last. What’s next, a banana peel and a water balloon? Anything can happen in the WWE!

Perhaps they can line up some other former Ring of Honor Champions for Hanswoogle to beat. I hear Samoa Joe is unhappy in TNA…..

Well, until Pepsi introduces their new “Bacon and Eggs Pepsi” breakfast soda, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

And can I just say to all the indy wrestler guys out there, give your junk a good look before you go to the ring. You can do all the planchacanranas and Mexihilos you want, but I’ll just laugh at you if you have some poking going on.