Couture's Championship Profiles: WWF Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior

Couture's Championship Profiles: WWF Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior

Folks, it's the real life version of a cross between Donald Duck and Milhouse from "The Simpsons", me, James E. Couture. Given the recent unspeakable tragedies, I wanted this week to get as far away from reality as possible. Unfortunately, in wrestling that means I have to go pretty far. As a matter of fact, it's right on the city limits of Parts Unknown. That's right, it's the Ultimate Warrior, Intercontinental Champion!

When a small stasis pod launched from plant Waryr-9 crash landed on Earth in the late 1980's, few knew the power possessed by the creature that burst forth from its crystalline shell. Able to lift pasty jobbers with the greatest of ease, the Dingo Warrior shot up the ranks of professional wrestling to the top: The WWE.

"We brought in Dingo because he had da muscle and da charismas. Call him 'Ultimate' and it fit like a pair of pant!"
-Pat Patterson, "Dean Martin Roasts: Ray Stevens", 1991

After beating the crap out of guys impersonating wrestlers, he turned his attention toward a wrestler imitating a singer: Intercontinental Champion Honky Tonk Man.

Scheduled challenger Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake was injured in a severe parasailing accident, a punchline that needs no embellishment. The Disciple was out, Warrior was in.

In a match that lasted about the length of your average Hardcore Title reign, 28 seconds, Warrior crashed his mighty torso onto the sequined jumpsuit of Tonk Man with a gimungous splash, and we had a new Intercontinental Champion.

Ultimate Warrior then went on a crusade through the WWE, felling every challenger, even bodyslamming Andre the Giant on the way.

"He might've bodyslammed Andre the Giant, brother, but by then he had lost three or four hundred pounds thanks to the Hulk Hogan Diet Shake, dude. Whatcha gonna do when the pounds melt off of you!!?"
-Hulk Hogan, "Hulk Hogan's Showtime Glovebox Barbecue", 2003

But then the Ultimate Warrior met the only force in the universe that could shatter the dust from the bones of the elders and shout to the mountaintops, and beat him in a match: Ravishing Rick Rude. Yes, a highly developed set of abs and the shenanigans of Bobby "The Brain" Heenan did what no one man could do, put the Ultimate Shoulders to the mat at WrestleMania V: Where We're at Trump Plaza, Again. Of course, we know that Warrior would eventually regain the title, but this ain't "Two or Three Championships Profile".

Well, until Petey Williams jumps ship to WWE to team up with MVP as "Team Montel-Williams", I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

All biographical information of the Ultimate Warrior provided by his 2002 memoir, "War and Peace 2: Return to New Atlantis".