Buenos dias from way South of the Border! It is I, Beelzebub, here to offer you the ultimate vacation opportunity of a lifetime! You've perused the Bruise Cruise and sailed on the Wrestle Vessel. You've dined at WWE New York and Hulk Hogan's Pasta-Mania. You even sat directly underneath John Bradshaw Layfield and stared up his nostrils while enjoying ECW's One Night Stand.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, get ready to go to Hell!
Now I know what you're thinking, how can an eternal bottomless pit be the place to be? Well to be quite honest, it isn't, unless you're a wrestling fan that is! This month we are reaching out to the loyal fans of professional wrestling, a business that has been so very good to us over the years. Due to having such an excess of expired talent down here with so little to do, we are offering all wrestling fans an extended stay at the fabulous Mephistopheles Hotel and Casino (4 star Triple-A Diamond rated, eleven years running) for the low price of…
Free!
You read that right, FREE! We'll do all the work, and you have to do is drop dead. That's it! No worries, no hassles, and only a lifetime commitment. Come on down and see some of your favorite stars of the squared circle from way back, and some from not so long ago. Unfortunately, our repeated attempts to get Eddie Guerrero to relocate here failed but don't worry, along with the roaches, this place is crawling with plenty of other wrestling stars to see!
And from what my entertainment director Nick Gulas has informed me, he's spared no expense to bring you a peach of a time. After you check in, you'll be able to indulge in any number of activities, such as trying your luck in our casino with Stu Hart . Have a few drinks with Kerry Von Erich in our swank lounge, as you listen to West Texas Rednecks alum Mr. Perfect and the Bobby Duncam Jr. sing the soothing strains of "Heaven Needed A Champion", all while watching our special video montage of dead wrestlers that performed in Texas' legendary World Class promotion. You can stroll the stairwells with Art Barr, or enjoy a smoke in the cigar bar with Dino Bravo. Come watch Eddie's memory get trampled by WWE on our sports book's big screen, as you place a wager on how low Vince McMahon and his writing staff will go next. No matter what you choose, we guarantee it will be the time of your life, oops, I mean death!
For you moms and dads out there, don't worry about not being able to cut loose just because you brought "baggage." Just drop your kids at our world famous Mel Phillips daycare center, and treat yourself to a personal massage from Hiro Matsuda before spending the day at the pool getting a tan next to Eddie Graham. Later that night, treat yourself right by enjoying an original big-screen movie event as chosen by our Earth-bound entertainment director Rob Black, and go for drinks afterward with "Handsome" Gino Hernandez. If you choose to enjoy your stay in one of our romantic suites, keep in mind that all rooms are equipped with a Jacuzzi styled tub-for-two, a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice mixed with Nubain, four hydrocodones, and a copy of the Kama Sutra - The CD, as read by Freddie Blassie. Don't worry if you pass out and forget the little ones, as overnight child care is a specialty of ours. By the end of your stay the whole family will be saying "Hell's Mel's, what a trip!
If you have any sort of medical issue while you're here, rest assured knowing you'll be in good hands as we've procured the services of Ultimo Dragon's elbow surgeon, to go along with our in-house medical team of Zahorian & Hackett in the renovated Bruiser Brody Medical Center. And no matter what your malady is, we have the cure. Not only did we just receive a lighter fluid filled inhaler, donated to us by Johnny Valentine, but also a collection of pre-filled prescription pads from Lex Luger. We here in Hell would also like to welcome aboard a new corporate sponsor, Morphoplex, and look forward to being an outlet for their non-FDA approved snake oil derivative.
There's only one place where you can hob knob with the wrestlers from WWE, WCW and ECW like Road Warrior Hawk, Rick Rude and Pitbull #2! We truly have something for everyone, young and old! Party all night and then throw up all day with your ol' pals Crash Holly and Louie Spiccoli! Dance the night away in our own 24/7 disco with the lovely Elizabeth, or for the ladies, Chris Candido. You'll never want to go home again, but don't worry… you can't!
Make your reservations quickly, as it's grappling galore, and you'll never know who is going to show up! Jake Roberts and Scott Hall are always a threat to appear, and Billy Robinson is expected very soon as well. We have wrestling cards every night of the week and everyone is on pins and needles waiting for the tentatively scheduled Dynamite Kid vs. Invader Jose Gonzalez in a 60 minute exhibition! See the stars of yesterday and today only in one place. Hell: it's not just about eternal damnation anymore!
Satan would like to thank his minions Keith Lipinski and Mike Sempervive, who work in the tenth circle of Hell, internet radio, for their help in producing this advertisement.
You can write to Derek at: Derek@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
