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In 22-25 weeks, I shall rule the universe!
By Derek Burgan
Mar 7, 2006 - 2:48 PM

In 22-25 weeks, I shall rule the universe

By the Levesque fetus

Hello outside world, as much as I’d like to introduce myself, I have no idea what my name is going to be. Although that mere fact is inconsequential as no matter what my breeders may call me, my destiny when I smash through this vaginal wall – which for some reason lets in much more light than I imagined – has already been cast.

I will become Supreme Ruler of the Universe.

This will come to pass approximately 22 to 25 weeks from now, barring any sort of complication. I fail to see any reason for delaying my arrival, as I seem to have copious amounts of hormones inside of me that are making me large, obnoxious and irritable. Plus, considering I overhear Mother and Father talking all the time about “stomping on the glass ceiling,” the route in which I plan on making my escape looks much like I imagine one of those to be, so I should have little problem.

Fear not mere mortals, I am not coming to dominate because I don’t like you. It’s much more because I simply don’t respect you. From what I have learned, you are a society of unwashed fools that are feeble-minded and easily controllable. Mother dominates you with the erasable scepter that she writes the manifesto with while Father carries out her will right before your own eyes. I am happy I will have control of the animal kingdom as well.

I have yet to decide on which version of control I will devastate your lives with. This decision I will make right after I figure out what’s down between my legs. I will assume they are what Grandmaster calls “enormous grapefruits,” but as of yet, I’m not exactly sure. I would assume the extreme levels of testosterone pumping through my system means something, but for some reason I can’t see anything down there. Regardless, my arrival will mean impending doom for some and a rude awakening for all.

I am especially excited at the prospect of ruling one “Internet Asshole.” He seems to be a real thorn in Father’s side, as the name is muttered in disgust at least 100 times a day. As soon as I can get rid of those “dirtsheet know it alls” and "Heyman sychophants" that Mommy really hates, I will claim my stake as the true heir to the throne. How dare anyone spew such garbage about my elders? Too much power? Too much control? You people have no idea what’s good for you and should be on bended knee in thanks for laboring under our superior mental acumen.

Mark the day on your calendar you fools, and that pun is totally intended as you are all part of a newfound idiot collective that  shall be the first to bow to my supreme power. A new day shall soon be upon us and I, the Levesque fetus, shall inherit the Earth and rule it with an iron fist! That's iron fist, not an iron claw, as I overheard Father expressing interest in that ruling style, but after talking to a coward of a man named “Ric,” who told Father that “Harley never did that.” Unlike whites and blacks, this Harley person must be from quite the dominant race, as his actions are powerful enough to be mimicked, right down to Father’s meaty moustache

The talented Dr. Mike Sempervive, Dr. Mike Roe, and Dr. Sean Carless, brilliant obstetricians all (as well as failed gynecologists) are thanked for their invaluable service in providing the Levesque fetus with the proper equipment to air its thoughts.