Justin Henry on..."Drew The Ire"

Define “the perfect heel”.

You could command a thousand wrestling fans of all walks of life to give the characteristics of a “perfect heel”, and there’d be lots of variances. You may as well ask the same focus group what their favorite beverage is, or what their dream vacation spot is.

Not everyone’s going to agree.

I can imagine there’d be a fairly general consensus on the “perfect heel” idea, however.

For someone to be an effective heel, he has to be almost universally despised by the fans. He has to be a man that you want to see get his face smashed in by a babyface, ANY babyface.

He has to have little or no redeeming qualities, so that the babyface he’s up against is easily rallied behind by the fans.

The perfect heel is someone that would make even the most hardened of cynical fans get behind John Cena, a longtime target of derision from the hard-to-please crowd, and make that fan say “I hope to God that Cena beats him”.

So let’s see: universally despised, makes you cheer the face he’s against, little to no redeeming qualities.

Using this rather sound logic, I have determined the best current heel on the WWE roster.

WWE’s best heel is Drew McIntyre.

Err, wait. Really?

This is the portion of the essay where you, the reader, have an adverse reaction to the text I have just typed. Yes, I declared Scotland’s own Drew McIntyre, perhaps the only current Superstar that’s drier than the Great Rift Valley, to be WWE’s best heel.

Now, before you declare me unfit to be a part of rational society, allow me to make my point.

There’s a good host of names that you may have guessed before McIntyre, and that’s fine. Wrestling is a subjective hobby, and no two fans are alike. You may have expected me to pick either Chris Jericho, CM Punk, or The Miz, who are three of the more popular choices in terms of “great heels”.

In that last sentence, I used a word that has no business being used for a great heel.

That word is “popular”.

It’s no secret that the hardened internet crowd seems to prefer arrogant, acerbic, and complex heels as opposed to heroic and simplified babyfaces.

There’s a good reason for that.

As TV has evolved with shows like The Sopranos, Oz, The Wire, Mad Men, True Blood, and other programs that glorify villains and sociopaths, the generation I’m from learned to identify with such characters, because they’re all shades of gray. Tony Soprano does bad things, like kill people and cheat on his wife, but yet he’s also portrayed as an insecure, middle aged man who wants to provide for his family. Is Tony a bad guy? Or is he a good guy who does bad things? It’s your call.

So as years have passed, the fans who were once expected to boo heels like Superstar Billy Graham and The Iron Sheik and Bobby Heenan in Pavlovian fashion gave way to the generation of fans who want more out of their characters.

So you have Chris Jericho, who I can sympathize with. Sure, he can be surly and off-putting, dressing in suits so that he’s always one level above the fans he lays into for their hypocrisy and lack of class. Then again, haven’t we all looked down on groups of people who we perceive to be lower than us? We all at times put on our imaginary three piece suits, and we thumb our noses at others that we consider to be gutter trash. When Chris Jericho lambasts Ric Flair and Roddy Piper for being too old, or he razzes the fans for daring to cheer Shawn Michaels, it becomes a little easier to see his point.

You also have CM Punk, who I can DEFINITELY sympathize with. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I’ve been straight edge before I knew there was even a word for it. Punk in babyface form was a role model of sorts to me, proving that one can make it in an industry where steroid abuse, pain killer abuse, and alcoholic debauchery were considered necessary. When Punk turned heel and railed against Jeff Hardy for being a poor role model for kids with his junkie image, how could I possibly boo Punk? I’ve known plenty of drug abusers, and I’m ashamed of them for the ways in which they’ve mismanaged their lives. If I’m Punk, they’re Jeff Hardy. I don’t consider myself a villain, so why should I consider Punk a villain? Of course, I never started a cult and recruited people willing to shave their heads, so that’s where the Punker and I differ.

Of course, there’s also The Miz. Man, has he come into his own or what? Four years ago, he was a spastic reality show reject, and now he’s honed such an incredible image rooted in elitist social climbing. With his dapper attire and demeaning rants on the fans, he’s become Jericho 2.0. Miz’s problem is that he’s improved so much that it’s hard not to kinda get behind him. He’s come a long way from his vinyl shorts, botched speeches, and his “HOO RAH”. He’s gone from ugly duckling to beautiful swan, thanks to his hard work and dedication to improving every facet of his game, from mat work to mic work. Fans take notice of these things, and thus Miz has garnered quite a following.

All three men listed receive substantial television time, and are considered among the top heels in WWE. Yet, they all have redeeming qualities. Jericho usually speaks the truth, even if it’s ugly. Punk stands for something commendable, and it’s hard to root against him. Miz has gotten so good at what he does, that you can’t completely hate the guy.

And that’s why none of these three men will meet Vince McMahon’s yearning for the monster heel of the future.

See, Vince McMahon, having been a promoter for the better part of thirty-five to forty years, is keenly aware that revenue will trump the spoken word.

For as much complaining and kvetching as a good chunk of fans do as pertains to the likes of John Cena, as well as the usual “same babyfaces on top” like Triple H, Rey Mysterio, Undertaker, and others, the fact is that these men sell merchandise. While I don’t have the numbers handy, WWEShop has enough Cena merchandise and knick-knacks to fill any child’s bedroom and closet.

There were many folks who couldn’t figure out why WWE kept shuffling the stale, watered-down DX out in front of the cameras. I think those neon green glowsticks that flew off the vendors’ shelves at the arenas had a little something to do with it.

Vince being Vince (i.e. a smart businessman if not a stubborn one), he’ll do whatever he can to keep these babyfaces on top of the heap.

Cena, of course, is the best example. He’s the top guy, whether you like it or not. No matter how much you boo him, and no matter how many internet diatribes you write about how Cena is “teh gey” and how the little kids who like him are losers, and how the girls who squeal for him are all sluts, the profits that are attributed to him make your argument null.

If you guys actually went out and bought CM Punk’s shirt in droves, maybe he’d get the Cena push. But that’s another story. And that would involve doing something more than complaining all the time, so let’s not be irrational here.

Cena being the top face, he has to be in the ring with the top heel. Jericho and Miz have feuded with Cena extensively, and both men received plenty of cheers.

In Vince’s eyes, when the cash cow gets a 50/50 reaction, it means that the heel can’t be the main eventer.

Let me repeat that.

When the cash cow gets a 50/50 reaction, it means that the heel can’t be the main eventer.

It’s imperative that Vince McMahon pair John Cena up with heels who have no redeeming qualities.

This is why Cena’s had long term feuds with the likes of Big Show, JBL, Sheamus, Umaga, Great Khali, and others who lacked the coolness of Jericho, Punk, and Miz. It’s not because they’re burying your favorite heels. It’s an accentuation technique to make Cena look stronger.

Cena’s also feuded with Randy Orton, who has gotten cooler little by little. Once upon a time, it was hard to like Orton because he’s a real-life bully with a short fuse and destructive tendencies.

If you remember, there was the typical outcry over Orton getting the push over Jericho, Punk, and Miz, who I will refer to as the “Holy Trinity” from here on out, because I’m tired of typing all three names in succession.

Remember why Orton got such pushes? Remember how pissed we were when Khali and Umaga bulldozed people en route to getting shots at Cena?

Why did they get World Title shots?

Because we hate them. They’re heels. And we hate them.

If we hate someone enough, McMahon’s going to put them against Cena or Triple H or Mysterio or whatever babyface is solidified as a proven money draw.

So instead of getting consistent pushes on the top of the card for titles, usually The Holy Trinity is in the upper midcard or the midcard. Since interest in them will likely never wane (thanks to general zealotry from smarter diehard fans), they’re used to make the next batch of babyfaces (Kofi Kingston, Hart Dynasty, et al) into stars.

This is the game McMahon plays, and it’s a sound one if you think about it. The heels hated most go to the top of the card, even if it’s a brief stay, so that the hatred the fans have for them will be paid off when Cena annihilates them, and the kids who buy the merchandise and the pay-per-views will go to bed with happy dreams, excitedly looking forward to talking with their friends about WWE at lunch in school the next day.

And thus, this is why Drew McIntyre is on the right path.

No one likes Drew McIntyre. He’s 6’5 with neat, silky hair. He has a permanent smirk on his face, that of a man satisfied with his lot in life. His gimmick is that Vince McMahon (the character) is enamored with his cold heart and calculating demeanor, and he whines to Vince to expunge every loss from his record, including the times in which he’s lost the WWE Intercontinental Title.

Don’t you hate people like that? You work hard and yet can never climb past these kinds of guys? Spoiled brats who smirk at their fortune?

Drew McIntyre doesn’t have a catch phrase. He may have an elaborate entrance, but he walks so slowly that he’s not going to excite the crowd. He’s not here to excite the fans, either.

His persona is simple: he beats up everyone you like, whether it’s Kofi Kingston, John Morrison, Matt Hardy, or whoever. And if they beat him, guess what? McIntyre wins anyway, because Vince orders Teddy Long to change the outcome in the history books, so that Drew’s record remains pristine.

What a jerk, right?

So while The Holy Trinity toil away, perhaps putting over Yoshi Tatsu or Evan Bourne or whoever, and while the Holy Trinity loses big matches to allow the babyfaces on top to definitively win the feuds, here comes Drew McIntyre up the card.

Everybody hates him.

If he wins the WWE Title, and then retains the belt month after month after month, the fans will relish the day that he finally loses it. It will be a revelation almost.

So to the fans who like any member of the aforementioned Holy Trinity, keep on cheering them. That’s what’s keeping them from getting that monster push that every heel you hate seems to get.

WWE will keep pushing Sheamus in there, because the sight of his pale skin angers you. They’re going to keep putting Vickie Guerrero on your TV to shriek away, because you give her a louder heel reaction than you give Jericho or Punk or Miz.

And yes, Drew will get the big push. I believe he’ll be WWE Champion within a year. I mean, if Jack Swagger, the hybrid of Brock Lesnar and a Crank Yankers puppet, can be champion, why not a man you all have such visceral hatred for?

And when McIntyre DOES get the belt, the collective hatred and anger from fans worldwide will be so strong that only one thing can trump it.

An Attitude Adjustment from WWE’s money maker, John Cena.

But Drew has to get there first. And whether you like it or not, he will.

Justin Henry is a freelance writer who enjoys putting his thoughts and opinions into text. His love of professional wrestling, as well as enjoyment of writing, has led to the creation of the Cynical Examination, his personal writing haven. Justin can be found on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Cynical-Examination/257452252539?ref=ts), Twitter (http://twitter.com/cynnerjrh), his website portfolio (http://cynex.webs.com/apps/links/), or he can be e-mailed at cynnerjrh@gmail.com