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Nickel For My Thoughts: 24/7, MSG, and Sloppy Joe!
By Mike Nicolau
Sep 11, 2006 - 6:00 AM

When you go through life with a name like Mike, people tend to call you by your last name -- almost exclusively. Ask around. I’m sure you know someone named Mike. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some dude named Mike. So, if that’s your lot in life, you’d better hope to God you have a cool last name. Me? I sort of lucked out. While Nicolau (pronounced NICKEL-O) certainly isn’t the greatest last name ever, people seem to like saying it.

Of course, you’ll always have the “Michelob” people. I’ve had people really think that my name was Michelob. They’re like, “Hey, Michelob, that's an awesome name, bro!” “It’s actually Nicolau.” “What?” “I said, Nicolau… Mike Nicolau. That’s my name.” That’s usually when they punch me in the stomach and walk off.

Some idiots call me “Mike Nickelodeon”. That’s always fun. If you’re in second grade. Which I'm not.

“Nikolai Volkoff” is another popular one. Some people actually think I’m Russian. They’re like, “Hey, Nikolai, sing the Soviet National Anthem … or I’ll cut you!” Then I sing it and walk away unstabbed. I guess all those hours spent listening to “The Wrestling Album” as a kid really paid off.

So, what nationality is Nicolau really? Nobody knows. They think they do, but they don’t. People have guessed Russian, Italian, French, Guatemalan… and when I do tell them what it is, they don’t believe me.

So here’s the deal: I’m willing to send ONE AMERICAN DOLLAR to the first person who can correctly guess what nationality the name Nicolau is. ONE DOLLAR, people. I’ll PayPal it to you, or send it by snail mail. I don’t care. What, you don’t like money? Then e-mail your guesses to Nicolau@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com or send them to “Papi” over at the World Wrestling Insanity Message Board. I’ll post some of the responses I get right here next week. If I don’t get any responses, I’ll probably just make some up and keep the dollar for myself. Jerks.

But enough about me, let’s get down to brass tacks, bitches. The name of the column is “Nickel For My Thoughts”. Yeah, it’s lame, I know. But there’s a reason behind it. And I’m going to tell you about it right now. Lemme just grab my…

Hold on a second…

Ah, here it is…

Everyone knows a person who always has to argue for the sake of arguing. If someone has a point of view, this guy’s there to tell ‘em they’re wrong … and stupid. If you say black, this person says white. You say Stevie Wonder, this person says Paul McCartney. It can be pretty frustrating. Well, it just so happens that I know a guy like that. His name is Papi Loco, and he’s my wacky next-door neighbor. He thinks he’s a luchador from Mexico City. He wears a mask at all times, but never a shirt. He knows I’m into wrestling, which sucks, ‘cause he always wants to talk to me about it. When he found out about this column, that was it. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I agreed to make him a part of it. He peed on my friggin’ car, for God’s sake. I had no choice.

So, I changed the name from “Madman Mike’s Pressure Cooker” to “Nickel For My Thoughts” to represent the two sides there are to every story -- just like there are two sides to every coin. Also because my name sounds like Nickel and I thought I'd tie that in. How clever is that? Anyway, each week, I’m going to be giving my [hackneyed] opinions on some random wrestling-related topics, and Shirtless Papi will play devil’s advocate and argue against my [often misguided and irrelevant] standpoint. Sounds simple enough, right? Even for a monkey like you.

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WWE 24/7: Play. Rewind. Relive.

Nicolau: I started watching wrestling in 1986, and being from the Northeast, that wrestling was strictly of the WWF variety. I’m definitely a mark for anything old-school, so when WWE 24/7 On Demand finally became available to me this month, I jumped on it.

24/7 is a ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak wrestling landscape. Whether it’s watching a WWF house show from the Boston Garden circa 1985 or the shark-jumping episode of Nitro when “Wrestling Superstar Virgil” was named the newest member of the NWO, there’s never a dull moment. And since most of the old shows are aired in their entirety, you can just keep them on in the background while you do other stuff. After a while, it starts to feel like whatever you’re watching is actually taking place in the present. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to owning a time machine. And, believe me, I’ve come damn close.

If you’re cable provider offers WWE 24/7 On Demand, I highly recommend it. If you don’t want to pay the relatively inexpensive $6.99 per month, they offer free previews that showcase large chunks of the always changing programming available within.

Papi: Never a dull moment? Are you high? Papi watched some of the shows they have dedicated to “The Territories” this month, and they were boring as hell. If you want to watch a bunch of gringo hacks like Ivan Koloff and “Mad Dog” Buzz Sawyer move around the ring like they’re underwater, then it’s all bueno. But Papi wants to see some old-school Lucha Libre from Mexico, and WWE 24/7 just doesn’t offer that. Maybe if the company wasn’t run by a bunch of racists, we’d see some classic wrestling from Puerto Rico or Japan. But until then, Papi has to settle for watching fat whiteboys in cowboy hats rolling around in their underwear in front of twenty-five people down south.

Gracias, but no gracias.

Nicolau: WWE hasn’t run a show in Madison Square Garden in almost two years. MSG is the Mecca of professional wrestling, and its always been home base for the WWWF, the WWF, and WWE. I don’t know all the particulars of why WWE hasn’t been there in so long, but I’m just happy they’re back. What I’m not so happy about is the fact that Vince McMahon will be main-eventing Raw this week against his son-in-law Triple H. That’d be like George Steinbrenner starting at first base in Game 1 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium. It just shouldn’t happen. If Vince could wrestle, maybe I’d cut him some slack. But the guy is the most clumsy, un-coordinated non-athlete that’s ever graced a wrestling ring -- and, yes, I’m counting Jay Leno. You’d think after all these years, Vince would have picked up something. I mean, the man’s had all the tools at his disposal. He’s had the best wrestlers in the world at his beck and call for decades, and he hasn’t learned a thing. His match at SummerSlam was an outright embarrassment. Time to hang up the, um, black Wranglers and sleeveless sweatshirt, Vince. Leave the wrestling to the wrestlers … and maybe a midget every now and then.

Also, ECW on SciFi will be taped at MSG for the Tuesday airing. They have this big article on WWE.com with the ECW wrestlers talking about how excited they are to be representing “the tribe of extreme” at the Garden. I fully expect that show to be main-evented by Shane McMahon and Shawn Michaels. What? That doesn’t scream “ECW” to you? Since when has that mattered?

Papi: Vince McMahon and Madison Square Garden go hand-in-hand. It’s only fitting that the man who made the Garden famous gets to main event with the most popular wrestler in the world. Papi is looking forward to it. Oh, and this new version of ECW is way better than the original. Stupid.

Nicolau: The first time I saw Samoa Joe wrestle was in TNA against Chris Sabin. I had heard a lot of good things about him going in. Expectations were high. Now, while I was impressed with the big man’s in-ring skills, his look certainly left a lot to be desired. I don’t really have a problem with his weight. I mean, the guy’s fat, there’s no doubt about it, but, hey, it’s pro wrestling -- you’re allowed to be fat. Especially if you’re Samoan. My problem was with his two-tone black and brown shorts. I figured, “Hey, he’s an indie wrestler, and that’s some indie wrestling attire; TNA will eventually force him to get some new gear.” Well, here I am almost two years later; TNA now has a weekly show on a nationally televised cable network and the future looks bright. Samoa Joe will eventually be pushed to the main event scene, and probably have an extended run with the NWA heavyweight title. I got no beef with that. I just wish they’d get the guy some new gear. Something that doesn’t ride up his ass while he’s wrestling. Something black and slimming. Something with a cool design. Something that maybe covers up his giant gut and floppy man-titties. Sorry, Joe.

Say what you will about WWE, but their wrestlers always look good. Umaga’s a big fat Samoan, but you don’t really see his flabby inner thighs jiggling around the ring every week. That shit’s covered up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Joe fan. I just think he needs a bit of a makeover if he wants to make it to the next level. I’ve spoken to plenty of causal fans who weren’t initially impressed by Joe because of his look. Television is an image-driven medium, with heavy emphasis on physical appearance and aesthetics.

Actually, TNA as a whole could use an aesthetic makeover, but I’m saving that for a future column.

Papi: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, pendejo. Wrestling ain't about how good a person looks. It’s about competition. It’s about ass-kicking. It’s about two men entering the squared circle to do battle, and only one emerging victorious. Who gives a rat’s ass what they look like while they’re doing it? Not everyone can look like Randy Orton or Batista.

But Papi sees the way they do things in WWE; they want guys to be marketable. They want to be able to sell t-shirts and toys, and bed sheets with WWE Superstars on them. That’s all fine and good, but that’s not what this business was built on. It was built on blood, sweat, tears, the carny code, and a smattering of homoerotic undertones.

Don’t listen to this know-nothing know-it-all, Joe. You keep doing your thing, man.

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We’re changing gears now, as this part of the column will be devoted to a short Q&A I conducted with Papi. I didn’t want to do it, but he threatened to lock me in an octopus stretch if I didn’t give him “more ink”. He did it once before when I refused to let him borrow my wife’s “Hope Floats” DVD. I’m not going through that again.

Here we go:

He’s the highlight of WWE programming right now and a fantastic world champion. His gimmick is absolutely brilliant. Papi wishes him nothing but success. Booker deserves it.

He’s WWE’s version of Charlie Brown. He keeps trying to kick that football, and he keeps falling on his ass. Didn’t he just job to The Miz on Smackdown? Meanwhile, Edge is doing pretty well for himself.

Did you get a chance to watch my Vince McMahon DVD yet?

Most of it. It’s pretty interesting, but it could’ve been better. McMahon’s monster ego kept it from going as in-depth as it needed to, but it was still fun.

Don’t worry, you’ll get it. Papi hasn’t even finished watching it yet.

He’s been a shining star on ECW television since his debut. Papi sees championship gold in his future. They should bring back that TV title, and let this guy run with it for a year. That’s what Papi would do.

Lame.

Lame. They need to get out of the “sports entertainment” business and into the professional wrestling business. Why try to take on WWE at their own game? They invented sports entertainment. TNA needs to get back to basics and figure out what made professional wrestling so popular to begin with. It’s a simple formula. TNA tries too hard to be flashy and futuristic. Just get back to wrestling. Please.

Papi hasn’t seen it, but it sounds like another one of these WWE one-note comedy acts that fizzle out after a week or two and then the wrestlers involved get fired.

Yes and no. Papi’s watched Pedro Morales’ title win eight times; un momento fantástico.

He’s leaner, meaner, and soon to be unemployed. But the Master Lock has yet to be broken ... so he's got that going for him.

What are your thoughts on the all new Club WWI?

It’s a great place for World War I enthusiasts to congregate. And they let you smoke inside!

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Well, that’s it for me this week, kids. This is my first actual column, so I’m hoping it’ll get better as time goes on. I’m sure the format will keep changing until I find something I like, but until then I’ll just throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see what sticks.

If you’ve made it this far, you owe it to yourself to take another few seconds and email me at Nicolau@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com, or visit the WWI Message Board and let me know what you thought. I value any and all opinions. Come on, don’t be shy. Or I'll be forced to punch you in the back of the head. What, you don’t think I will? Watch, guy. You'll see. When you least expect it.

On a more serious note, I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge the 5-year anniversary of September 11^th. It doesn’t seem like five years have already passed since that horrific morning in 2001. My thoughts go out to everyone who lost someone special that day. We still haven’t forgotten.