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For those who missed my debut column last week, I pulled a shameless publicity stunt. In an effort to draw attention to myself and promote my new column, I offered ONE AMERICAN DOLLAR to anyone who could guess what nationality the last name Nicolau is. As I said last week, people are usually all over the map when they guess, and this little experiment was no different.
Here are some of the responses I received. I’ll announce the lucky winner at the end…
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“Nicolau is the Portuguese for the English name "Nicholas". So, if I'm not mistaken, Sao Nicolau is Portuguese for St. Nicholas. That would probably make your ethnic origin either Portugal or Brazil. However, I also know of Greek and Spanish figures with your last name, so it might just be generically Northern Mediterranean.”
-- D. Hanson
“Greek? Armenian? Serbian? Czech? Witness Relocation random pick?”
-- The Kriegs
“I’ve known 2 Nicolau's. One Greek. One Portuguese. With your Spanish speaking, and Portuguese being close to Spanish (unless you learned Portuguese in Brazil); I'm gonna guess that that's a red herring and go Greek.”
-- Keevel
“I'm afraid I'm gonna have to side with [Keevel]. There was a Greek restaurant here in the Twin Cities called Nicolau's, spelled the same and everything.”
-- MC_U.S.TitleBelt
“I've got two guesses as to what the name origin is. It's either Polish or Ukrainian, but since I think a ton of people may say Polish, I'll go with the latter.”
-- Seion
“Nicolau sounds Romanian.”
-- Ragna
“My guess is Portuguese.”
-- liviya
“The origin of Nicolau is French, more specifically, the Brittany Region, although it does have some Dutch origins too. It's derived from the Latin personal name Nicolaus, meaning victory people. Can I have the dollar?”
-- Tenchi
“I'm guessing 'Nicolau' to be of the Eastern European variety. Possibly Romanian.”
-- gnu World order |
There were a lot of good guesses, but unfortunately, there's only ONE AMERICAN DOLLAR on the line.
And the winner is…
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...
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Liviya!
The correct answer is Portuguese. Congratulations, liviya!
Other people tip-toed around it, but liviya is the only one who committed, and for that she’ll be receiving ONE AMERICAN DOLLAR courtesy of Mike “The Portuguese Man O’ War” Nicolau!
Actually, I’m only twenty-five percent Portuguese. Maybe for my next contest I’ll have you try and guess the other seventy-five. Or my middle name. (Hint: It starts with an ‘A’…)
Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a championship belt mark. I used to buy those replica belts that you see people with at wrestling shows (yeah, I'm a geek, I know). Then I sold them all and bought a real belt. That’s right, I own a REAL classic-style Intercontinental Championship belt, circa 1986-1998 (click here to see it). It’s the same belt that great Intercontinental champions like Tito Santana, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Mr. Perfect, and The Honky Tonk Man used to wear.
Why am I telling you this? To show off. But also to illustrate a point. I learned at a young age that holding championship gold in professional wrestling was a big deal. I spent a ridiculous amount of money in an effort to try and capture some of that glory. Back then, champions carried themselves like champions. They were made to seem important. Those who didn’t have titles were constantly striving to obtain them. Those who did would’ve done just about anything to keep them. That’s what it was all about. And it was great.
So what happened? Why are titles no longer important in WWE? Why do I not know who the current Cruiserweight Champion is? Or the tag champs? Why do I not care who the current IC titleholder is?
How can this situation be rectified?
I’ve been kicking some ideas around, and here’s what I propose:
Idea #1: Create a WWE championship committee
Okay, maybe they don’t need a real championship committee, but they should at least create the illusion of having one. The committee should determine title contenders, when/where title matches take place, etc.
Idea #2: Unify the WWE and “World” Championships
You really only need ONE World Champion. It’s a shocking proposition, I know. But having two world champions (three, if you count ECW) in one company doesn’t make any sense. It’s the same company! There’s no real separation between Raw and Smackdown. No difference. That’d be like if MLB’s National and American Leagues each had their own World Series Champions. It wouldn’t make any sense.
WWE should unify the belts at WrestleMania and allow the Undisputed/WWE/World champion to float between Raw and Smackdown. It’s that simple. He’s the champ, he does what he pleases. The championship committee will determine who gets a title shot and on which show. Though if I had it my way, the world title would only be defended on pay-per-views and very special events (like Saturday Night’s Main Event).
Creatively, there’s a lot of different directions you could go in with one omnipotent world champion moving from land to land, devouring villages and taking their women.
In the meantime…
Idea #3: Have the Intercontinental and United States Championships represent Raw and Smackdown, respectively
While the world champ is pillaging and plundering the world over, the IC champ is holding the fort down on Raw and the US champ is holding it down on Smackdown. They become the number one guy for their promotion -- the flag-bearer, if you will. Those who hold either IC or US gold would always be in contention for the world title.
However, given the new committee’s “no one can hold two titles at once” mandate, if an IC or US champ wants a world title shot, he must first surrender his title. If he is unsuccessful in his world title match, he drops to the bottom of the contender’s list and has to work his way back up.
Once a title is vacated, the committee would determine how to crown a new champion, whether it be a tournament, or a single match between top contenders.
Idea #4: Unify the Raw and Smackdown tag titles
There only needs to be one set of tag champs. This would work much like the world title in that the World Tag Team Champions would be facing challengers from Raw and Smackdown. Hell, I’d even throw ECW into the mix. This way, each brand can have a tag division, without there having to be three sets of tag titles.
Idea #5: ECW needs another title ... and fast!
I suggest moving the Cruiserweight Championship to ECW, or bringing back the ECW TV title. This gives ECW undercard wrestlers something to fight for instead of milling around aimlessly while the Big Show wrestles DX on Raw. I think C.M. Punk would make a fantastic TV champion.
Idea #6: Sell, sell, sell!
Wrestling is all about the sell-job. It’s a carny business at its core, and the art of selling has been the one constant throughout the years. They need to be selling these titles as something special. Create the illusion that being a champion is a big deal. Wrestlers carrying gold should be getting more money and TV time, gracing magazine covers, and landing endorsement deals. That’s how it works in real sports.
Of course, none of these ideas are set in stone, and I’m totally open to suggestions. I just think it’d shake things up a bit and actually give people a reason to care about matches again. And WWE Creative won’t have to keep inventing ridiculous reasons for people to be wrestling each other (see Vick, Katie). You can still have your grudge matches and blood feuds, but at the end of the day, the ultimate goal in wrestling should be to wear championship gold. Or it should at least appear that way.
I believe there is money to be made by creating and nurturing a competitive environment where wrestlers are focused on winning and retaining prestigious championship titles.
Now is the time in the article where Papi gets involved. You remember Papi, right? The guy that pees on my car when he wants something. Yeah, well he took that one step further this week. I don’t want to get into specifics, but it was a messy situation. I had to rent one of those power-washers. Apparently Papi eats a lot of corn. Spicy Mexican corn.
In any case, Papi wanted to come over and watch WWE Unforgiven with me. (I wasn’t even going to order it, but whatever; I just didn't want any more trouble.) And since he loved all the attention that his appearance garnered from last week’s column, he wants more. So, I sat down with Papi and reluctantly asked for his thoughts on the recently concluded pay-per-view.
Me: So, Papi, what was your overall impression of the show?
Papi: Papi really liked it. There were a few good matches, some legitimate “holy shit” moments, and Papi got to stare at Trish Stratus’ sweaty butt-crack for, like, fifteen minutes. What’s not to like?
Except for your wife’s constant interruptions.
Me: It’s her birthday. And there’s a 200-lb. shirtless luchador sitting on her couch watching wrestling and eating potato chips. I’m sorry if she got in the way.
Papi: Well Papi doesn’t forgive you. Hey! Get it? You’re … Unforgiven! Ha!
Me: Very funny. Did you have a favorite match or segment?
Papi: Papi really enjoyed the Jeff Hardy/Johnny Nitro match. The lovely Melina helped her man to victory by smashing Hardy in the face with her sexy high-heel boot. Papi loves a woman who takes charge.
Then again, TLC was muy bueno too … and Hell in a Cell was decent. Papi’s not really sure what his favorite match was. They were all good in one way or another. Papi loves those wacky Highlanders. High-larious!
Me: Well, did you have a favorite segment?
Papi: Papi liked the interaction between Lita, Jeff Hardy, and Matt Hardy backstage. That must’ve been incredibly awkward for Lita to have to film that with Matt and Jeff, especially on her last night with the company. It must suck to be a dirty, home-wrecking gutter-slut.
Me: In your opinion, did anyone come out of this show looking better than they did going in?
Papi: Trish Stratus looked pretty good when she turned to walk away, what with that sweaty butt-crack and all. Seriously, though, Papi thinks Randy Orton came away from Unforgiven looking pretty damn good. He had a respectable match against Carlito, and he looked strong in his win. If the Legend Killer can get his demons under control, someday he could be a legend … like Papi.
Me: Did anyone come out of this show looking worse than they did going in?
Papi: Matt Hardy. Papi doesn’t even know how that’s possible anymore. It seems that Matt Hardy was flown in to a Raw-brand PPV just so he could get dogged by Lita one last time on TV. Meanwhile, Edge, the guy that banged the dirty whore while she was still with Matt, is defending his WWE Championship in the main event. How f*cking crazy is that?
Me: Pretty crazy. Are you happy that the DX/McMahon feud is finally over?
Papi: What makes you think it’s over? This feud’s got more lives than Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger combined. Pero, after the beating the McMahons took tonight, Papi fully expects to see them off TV for a while. Shane McMahon looked like he was going into cardiac arrest after the match. And Vince McMahon got his face shoved deep and violently into Big Show’s bare ass … and it stayed there for a while (keep in mind, Vince is the guy coming up with these ideas). Papi can’t imagine he’d want to show his stinky face on TV anytime soon.
Me: How do you feel about John Cena regaining the WWE Championship?
Papi: Papi’s doesn't think it's a smart move right now. Homeboy got booed out of the building tonight. Papi heard a dirty rumor that they were going to send John to Smackdown and turn him heel. Guess that ain’t happenin’. It was a good TLC match though. Edge seemed very comfortable in there, not surprisingly. There were a couple of blown spots, but not enough to detract from the overall enjoyment of the match. It’d be nice to see Edge hold onto that title for a little bit longer, but what can you do?
Me: Were there any stinkers on the card?
Papi: Besides Vince McMahon’s stinky face? Not really. Umaga and Kane wasn’t bad. Mi amigo Armando finally got some mic time, and he rocked it hard. If Papi had to choose one stinker, it’d be the Spirit Squad vs. Highlanders match, and even that wasn’t terrible.
Papi will tell you what was terrible, though: you’re wife’s birthday cake. Vanilla, dude? Come on. Nobody likes vanilla. But that should be expected coming from you, the most boring gringo ever.
Me: Okay, Papi, that’s enough for this week. I think I got everything I needed. I’d like to go check on my wife now; see if she’s still in the bathroom crying. You can show yourself out.
Papi: Will do, pendejo. Tell your wife that Papi’s sorry for any inconvenience that he may have caused.
Me: I don’t think she’s in a very forgiving mood.
Papi: So, does that mean that Papi is … Unforgiven?
Me: Get the hell out.
Well, that’s it for me this week, kids. Again, if you’ve made it this far, please take a few moments to e-mail me at Nicolau@worldwrestlinginsanity.com or look up “Papi” on the Insanity Forums and let me know what you thought. Or if you just need someone to talk to. I understand how tough it can be when you’re lonely and confused. Seriously, if you need a shoulder to cry on, hit me up. For real, dog. Yo, I ain’t playin’.
And don't forget to check out ClubWWI.com if you haven't already. All the kids are doing it. | 
