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Tales From The Insanity Universe: Lita's Band Battles The Motor City Machine Guns
By Mike Johns
We open at The Double OO Pub in Redford, Michigan, just outside of Detroit. Here, members of a band known as The High Crusade have arrived; ready for what they’ve promised themselves would be one hell of a show. The singer, one Alex Shelley, and his partner in crime, Chris Sabin, who, in another line of work, are known collectively as the Motor City Machine Guns, make their way inside the Double OO, seeking out the pub’s owner, a woman named Shana.
“Hey boys,” Shana called out to them from behind the bar. “What can I get you?” “Nothing yet,” Alex said to her. “We’re just here to set up.” “Set up?” she said, surprised. “Yeah,” Alex replied. “I know we’re a little early, but Petey and the others are running late, and we figured we’d get things set up and ready so when they get here…” “Oh… you guys didn’t get my message, did you?” Shana said to them. “What message?” Chris asked. “I’m sorry, guys,” Shana began, “but the show’s cancelled.” “Cancelled?” Alex said, shocked by the news. “What happened? I know it’s snowing and all, but the roads aren’t THAT bad!” “Hell, we made it here, all right,” Chris agreed. “It’s not the weather… I made a mistake, and I double booked tonight, so one of you had to get the axe. I’m sorry. I called you, left a message on your voice mail. I thought you would have gotten it by now,” Shana explained. “Voice mail?” Alex said, pulling his phone out of his coat pocket. He dialed up his voice mail, and listened to the message. “Hey, Alex. This is Shana at the Double OO. I’m sorry, but I made a mistake, and booked two bands on the same night. I know this is very short notice, and, believe me, if I had caught this mistake sooner, I would have let you know, but I’m going to have to bump you guys tonight.” “It’s legit,” Alex said to Chris. “That sucks,” Chris replied. “Again, guys, I’m really sorry,” Shana said to the Motor City Machine Guns. “If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you…” “It’s cool,” Chris said. “Sh*t happens, right?” “Yeah, but, really…” Shana continued. “So, if we’re not playing here tonight, who is?” Alex asked. “The Luchagors,” Shana replied. “Wait… did you say, ‘the Luchagors’? As in ‘former WWE Women’s Champion Lita’s band, the Luchagors’?” Alex asked. “Yep. In fact, they’re already here, setting up, if you want to meet them,” Shana told them. “Thanks,” Chris said to Shana as he and Alex walked towards the stage. “Can you believe this?” Alex said to Chris. “We get bumped for the Luchagors! What the f*ck?!” “Calm down, Alex,” Chris said to him. “At least we didn’t get bumped by some sh*tty emo band.” “Did you even hear their last album?” Alex asked. “Yeah,” Chris answered. “It wasn’t bad.” “Wasn’t bad? Are you kidding me? It was f*cking horrible!” Alex responded. “I liked it,” Chris said. “Hell, Lita can’t even sing!” Alex ranted. “Dude, it’s punk rock,” Chris began. “Nobody cares if you can sing!” “I care!” Alex replied. “And you’re an idiot,” Chris responded. Meanwhile, near the stage, a tattooed man with ‘X’s painted on his hands stood by and watched as the Luchagors began setting up for tonight’s show. With him stood an athletic redhead, who, for some reason, had a habit of letting her thong stick up halfway out of her pants at all times. “So,” the man said, “I’m here, in this… cesspool…” “I know, you hate it, but these are the kinds of places that book us,” the redhead said. “I’m just glad you’re here, supporting me.” “You’re right,” he said, taking her by the hand. “And, besides, maybe I can convert some of these… degenerates… to the Straight Edge Lifestyle.” A voice from behind the couple spoke out and said, sarcastically, “Oh, great! CM Punk is here! This night just keeps getting better and better!” CM Punk looked over his shoulder to see the Motor City Machine Guns making their way towards them. “Damn it, Alex, they can probably hear you!” Chris said to an irate Alex Shelly. “So?! “ Alex replied. “So… it’s probably not a good idea to go and declare your hatred of a guy just before you walk up to him and his girlfriend and say ‘hi’!” Chris reasoned. Alex stopped the two dead in their tracks and looked Chris Sabin square in the eye. “Dude, do you even KNOW CM Punk?” Alex said to Chris. “Well… I know he’s Straight Edge,” Chris replied. “Yeah, and he’s annoying as hell about it! When I was in Ring of Honor, I swear to God, it’s all he ever talked about,” Alex ranted. “Seriously, I get it! You don’t drink. You don’t smoke. You don’t take pills. You’ll have sex with just about every female wrestler that’s ever graced the planet Earth, but you don’t ‘abuse your body’… please! There’s NO WAY you can bang that many chicks without getting an STD! Besides, isn’t abstaining from ‘promiscuous sexually activity’ supposed to be part of the Straight Edge Lifestyle? F*cking hypocrite…” “Oh, come on, Alex, he can’t be THAT BAD!” Chris said. “He probably just plays it up like that on TV for heat.” “No,” Alex said, “he’s actually WORSE. You know how Austin Aries is about that whole ‘Vegan’ thing?” “Yeah,” Chris replied. “Okay… it’s like that, times a billion,” Alex explained. “Wow,” Chris said, taking in the image Alex painted for him. “That is bad.” “You think?” Alex quipped. “Excuse me,” CM Punk interrupted, “I’d hate to interrupt your stimulating conversation about how annoying I am about being better than you, and all, but I figured I’d actually be polite, and come over and say ‘hi’ before talking smack about you to my girlfriend, who just happens to be the ravishing redhead standing right over there.” “Oh…” Alex said, “Hi, CM Punk. Long time, no see.” “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend, here, Alex?” CM Punk said. “Yeah… sure… Punk, this is Chris Sabin,” Alex said. Chris excitedly extends to CM Punk and says, “It’s nice to meet you.” “I bet it is,” CM Punk said as he shook Sabin’s hand. “I mean, I know I’d be if I met me. The only three-time Straight Edge World Champion in history… four, if you count Ring of Honor’s so-called ‘world’ championship… the only two-time, back to back winner of the Money In The Bank ladder match at WrestleMania, the current boyfriend of one of the most accomplished female performers in professional wrestling history, and one of the hottest women in Punk Rock, if you ask me…” “I probably should have mentioned that he likes to talk about himself a lot, too,” Alex whispered to Chris as CM Punk continued to run off the very, very long list of his accomplishments. “Yeah, that would have helped,” Chris whispered back. “Is there any way to get him to stop?” “Not without resorting to violence,” Alex replied. “… a former Intercontinental champion, ECW Champion, I nailed Traci Brooks before Kaz even met her, I’ve bowled 16 perfect games on Wii Sports, I saved a whopping 35% percent on Car Insurance by switching to Geico, I retired Jeff Hardy…” Punk continued. “Jeff Hardy… Isn’t he in TNA now? ” Chris asked. “Oh, God…” Alex sighed, “don’t get him started on Jeff Hardy and TNA. Please, Chris. Don’t…” “TNA?” CM Punk said, apparently upset that someone dared to interrupt him or question his accomplishments. “God damn it, Chris,” Alex grumbled. “You mean TNA, the company that fired ME because of something that TEDDY HART did?” CM Punk asked. “Um… I guess?” Chris Sabin replied. “What happened with Teddy…?” Alex Shelley grabbed Chris by the arm and said, “You don’t want to go there, Chris.” “Oh, yes, TNA. The little company that could…” Punk began, “…hire a goddamned drug addict like Jeff Hardy and plaster him on TV without even the smallest thought about those Drug Trafficking charges he’s just been indicted on. Yeah. I know about Jeff Hardy and TNA. And I know how Dixie Carter runs her Addict Haven she calls a wrestling company! Hell, when I was in TNA, while YOU were a nobody in the X Division, Chris, and Alex, here, was barely a blip on the radar in Ring of Honor, I was paired with Julio Dinero and forced into a stable lead by the King of Drug Abusers, himself, Raven. And, of course, while my Straight Edge Philosophy would have NEVER allowed me to take orders from someone so deep in his own pool of indulgence and degradation that he can’t even think straight, Dixie Carter and Vince Russo were, like, ‘it’s just wrestling, Phil. Nobody takes this seriously’! Well, guess what, Dixie? They do! And there’s hundreds of kids out there, doing swanton bombs off their trampolines who look up to people like Jeff Hardy. Kids, whose lives could be potentially ruined by your endorsement of such a low-life, degenerative law-breaker!” At this point, Lita, who’s finally made her way over after hearing her man angrily rant about Jeff Hardy, adds, “And don’t forget the hell his brother, Matt, put me through, hon.” “Hell?” Chris asked. “Dear God, Chris,” Alex facepalmed. “Don’t get her started on Matt…” “How Matt Hardy ruined my life and my career by dragging the fans into what was a personal, private situation between us,” Lita continued. “Hold up, here, missy,” Chris Sabin interjected. “You CHEATED on Matt Hardy with Edge while Matt was out recovering from a knee injury he got while trying to save YOU from being forced to marry Kane! And you’re trying to tell me that somehow YOU’RE the victim here?! What the f*ck is wrong with you?!” Alex, in a full double facepalm, lamented to himself over the mess Chris Sabin had just gotten them into. “What’s wrong with me?” Lita began. “What’s wrong with you? Coming back here with your emo boyfriend, whining about…” Upon hear those words, Alex Shelly arose from his facepalming and said, “Hold up! Did you just call me an emo?” “Yeah,” Lita replied. “I think she was insinuating that we were gay, too, Alex,” Chris added. “Not now, Chris,” Alex said, turning his attention back to the Luchagors’ lead singer. “You… the red-hair dye #5 wanna-be luchador punk, banging the Straight Edge boy toy here, are calling me, Alex Shelley, one half of the greatest tag team in the world never to hold a world title…” “Um…” Chris Sabin interrupted, “We were the Ring of Honor Tag Champs. Doesn’t that count?” CM Punk laughed. “Like I was saying…” Alex Shelley continued. “You, the red-hair dye #5 wanna-be luchador punk, are calling me an emo?” “I don’t believe I stuttered,” Lita retorted. “Okay, so let me ask you this,” Alex began. “Do I look like a Twilight-reading, vampire-obsessed, whiny-ass douchebag who plays acoustic guitar and writes annoyingly high-pitched songs about girls he’ll never sleep with because he’s too much of a wuss to do anything about it?” “Actually…” Lita paused. “Yeah, you do. That’s probably why Shana bumped you guys instead of the Luchagors when she realized she double-booked tonight!” Alex Shelley paused a moment to take in the insult just hurled at him. Unfortunately, once the insult had sunken in, a rage overtook Shelley, and he childishly screamed to Lita, “Your album sucks!” “Your haircut sucks!” Lita replied. Alex grabbed at his faux-hawk and looked to Chris Sabin for approval. Chris just shrugged, as if to say, ‘it looks fine to me’. “Well…” Alex said, pausing to think for a moment while the right insult came to him. “Trish Stratus is better than you!” “Heh,” Lita laughed. She then said, in a strong, emphasized tone, “You two aren’t good enough to hold a world title!” Alex and Chris looked hard at each other, slowly taking in the stinging nature of what Lita had just said to them. Never holding a world tag team championship has been something of a sore spot for the Motor City Machine Guns, and while they’ve had many opportunities to become TNA World Tag Team Champions, they’ve never been able to win the titles. “On the other hand,” Lita continued, “I’ve held several. So has CM Punk. And now, my band is playing on your home turf, while your little emo band, the High Fidelity, or whatever, are left out in the cold, whining about how the big bad Lita and her major-label punk band took your spot and kept you from wooing the 12-year-old Twilight fans with your sh*tty, sh*tty music!” “You know something,” Alex Shelley said to Lita, “you’re right. The big bad Lita and her major-label punk band DID take our spot tonight. There’s just one little detail that you’re dead wrong about.” “And what’s that?” Lita asked, getting right up in Alex Shelley’s face. “We’re not emos,” Alex said, before punching Lita right in the face, knocking her down to the floor. “Oh, wow, BIG man, there, Alex!” CM Punk taunted. “Punching a girl in the face. What you going to do next? Pull hair and whine about your period?” “Don’t you EVER shut up?” Chris Sabin asked before kicking CM Punk in the gut. Sabin then takes Punk up onto his shoulders as Shelley pulls Lita off of the floor takes her up to his shoulders as well. Sabin then proceeds to slam CM Punk to the ground with a Cradle Shock, while Alex Shelly drops Lita with an Air Raid Crash. “By the way,” Alex said to the fallen Lita, “our band’s called the High CRUSADE!!! Get it right, next time!” Looking to Chris Sabin, Alex sighs and says, “You know, I feel a lot better now.” “I figured you would,” Chris replied. “So, since we have the night off and all, you just want to go home and play Call of Duty for a while?” “Might as well,” Alex answered as the two walked off, leaving the beaten bodies of Lita and CM Punk behind. As the Motor City Machine Guns made their way out of the Double OO and into the cold and snowy Michigan night, they run into Petey Williams and the rest of The High Crusade. “Hey guys,” Petey called to them. “Sorry I’m late.” As the Machine Guns began to pass him by, he said, “Where are you going? We have a gig tonight!” “No, we don’t,” Chris Sabin replied. “WHAT?!” Petey reacted. “Yeah,” Alex assured. “It got canceled.” “What for? The weather’s not THAT BAD! I got here just fine!” Petey replied. “Dude, you’re Canadian!” Alex pointed out. “Half of your country is on ice!” “Yeah, and I just happen to live on the half that isn’t,” Petey said, “so, unless you’d like to make some joke about Moose-hunting or whatever, maybe you guys can tell me why our gig got canceled tonight!” “We got bumped for the Luchagors,” Chris said. “We got bumped for the Lucha… Wait, isn’t that Lita’s band?” Petey asked. “Yep,” Chris answered. Petey looked around a moment, and then asked, “CM Punk isn’t here… is he?” “Don’t worry, Pete, we took care of it,” Alex assured. “After tonight, I don’t think we’re going to hear from the Luchagors or CM Punk for a long time.” “What did you guys do?” Petey said. “Nothing you wouldn’t have done,” Alex answered. “Oh, well, as long as you didn’t do anything stupid like punch Lita in the face or put her through a table,” Petey concluded. Alex and Chris looked at each other, and then back at Petey. Alex then said, “Yeah…” Chris agreed. “We didn’t put her through a table…” “That’s good,” Petey began, “because I’d hate to find out that you two started a bar fight with Lita and CM Punk over a small mistake.” “Yeah,” Chris said, “I think we’re going to want to get out of here.” “You up for some Call of Duty, Pete?” Alex asked. “Well, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Luchagors. Then, again, that would involve being around CM Punk. Hmmm… You know what? Yeah. Call of Duty sounds good to me!” Petey said. “Awesome,” Alex said. “Now let’s get the hell out of here.” And with that, the High Crusade left the Double OO and went home to play Call of Duty, leaving the Luchagors high and dry as their singer and her boyfriend lie unconscious on the Double OO’s floor, victims of the wrath of Detroit’s own Motor City Machine Guns.
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...
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Eaton Manny
Fernandez Greg Gagne Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Harley
Race Dave Taylor
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