I'm getting sick. I have kids.
They get sick. I get sick. It's my fault for teaching them to share. That reminds me of a story that took place not too long ago. Or maybe it did. I don't know. I'm not feeling so great…
It started as a normal day. I woke up did some exercises, washed my ass, and made some coffee. While I was making my coffee the phone rang. On the other end it was hardcore wrestling legend New Jack.
I said, "Hello."
He said, " Hey bitch, wanna get some f**kin' lunch?! "
I was off that day so I agreed and asked him where we could go. He replied ," It don't f**kin' matta to me, but I talked to Jim earlier and he said he wanted to go to Denny's. So that's where we're going!"
I said OK…but then realized I had no idea what "Jim" he was talking about. So I asked, "Jim who? "
He said, "Hillbilly Jim, Bitch!"
I was like oh, I thought you might have been talking about Duggan. New Jack said , "I wouldn't eat shit with that dirty f**ka!"
I didn't ask him why because he screamed into the phone and hung up abruptly.
So, I figured he'd just show up. I waited outside and they pulled up in a 1979 station wagon with the old wood panel siding.
I hopped in and said…
Hey, Hillbilly Jim. Hey, New Jack.
Jim shook my hand, smiled, and said, "Hey Jay, how's it going?"
Jack stabbed my hand with a pencil, growled, and said "Hey mutha f**ka! What's happenin', captain?!"
I said to both I'm good.
But as the trip dragged on, New Jack got upset and hollered, "Jim push this old piece of shit, I'm hungrier than a hungry mutha f**ka!"
So Jim put the pedal down and we were on our way to Denny's…
We arrived at are location, on this cool November day. As we were going in a couple ladies came up and said, "Hey!
Aren't you world-renowned superstars Hillbily Jim, New Jack, and Jay Winterz?"
I smiled and said, "Yes and how are you two ladies doing?"
They replied, "Great! Could we get an autograph?"
I said, "Sure".
Jim said, "Sure". And New Jack...well he said, " You can sign deez nutz!"
They couldn't believe it and walked off.
Jack didn't care. He jumped up and said, "Screw 'em, let's get some sausage!"
So we went up to the counter and the waitress asked, "Table for 3?" To which New Jack replied," No, a table for 5."
"5?" she asked.
He said "Yeah, us 3 and those 2 big ol' soppy melons of yours!
Hahahaha! Stupid ass bitch!"
We just stood there in silence for a minute and I'm thinking in my head, uh, WTF! At this point, Jim tried to apologize to the waitress, because he didn't want her spitting in our food. We sat and checked menu. When the waitress came over, I ordered, then Jim , then New Jack..and it went like this.
"Lady listen up, I want 6 sausages, and they betta be longer then my d**k … 5 panty cakes, 3 eggs, grits with some cheddar cheese, coke, and a sprite".
Confused, she said, "You want a coke and a sprite?"
New Jack simply stared at her and said, "Bitch is you stupid? I want some coke as in cocaine and a funky ass sprite! In fact, cocaine for everyone in the dining room! It's on us!"
Shocked, she answered, "Sir we don't have cocaine…"
The shit hit the fan.
"Oh you gonna get some cocaine for everybody or else…!"
That's about when he pulled a staple gun from his pants and they asked us to leave.
Jack wasn't stopping. "We ain't goin nowhere til we get them grits, eggs, pancakes and most importantly the cocaine!"
She shouted to her manager, "Drew! Call the cops!"
Hillbilly looks at me and we both get up and leave just as the police cars pulled up. New Jacks starts to call us bitches for leaving.
But whatever. We watch the cops go in. Jack's standing there with a staple gun, and a stop sign and a cookie sheet…Don't know where those items came from but he had them.
The cops finally tackle him, put him in cuffs, and drag him out kicking and screaming! Me and Jim went and got food at a drive thru and he dropped me off back home. I told him have a good holiday. He said "You do the same, Jay."
Fast Forward 14 hours...I get a call from an unknown number, I pick it up and its New Jack calling collect from jail saying my bitch ass better come and get him out. I told him I'll call a few people and see what
I can do. He said " F**kin hurry up, I think my order should be ready by now at Denny's."
I haven't heard from New Jack since then. I heard he got extra time in jail for sneaking barbed wire in. Then again, I'm pretty sure nothing I said here is true because, as I told you, I'm pretty sick and jacked up on Nyquil. So there's about a 100% chance that I dreamed all this. I don't know for sure. The only thing I do know for sure…I'm now in the mood for Denny's.