High within Titan Towers, the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment looks out upon the world below, contemplating the words he intends to speak.   And while the writers and staff of WWE have been expressly told not to use the Mr. McMahon character in any more stories, we here in the Insanity Universe don’t work for WWE, and therefore, don’t care about any such mandates.

We are willing to accept job offers, though, if you choose to rectify this situation, Mr. McMahon.  

Okay… guess we’re just going to have to go on with our little tale, aren’t we?

So, anyway, we’re in Mr. McMahon’s office as he’s standing by his window, looking out onto the world below.   As he watches the world, the voice of a very important man in the world of Entertainment discusses a plan to help Mr. McMahon dominate the one field of entertainment he has yet to gain a footing in… Feature Films.

“So, I know that you’ve produced features in the past to some rather mixed results.   Want to tell me about them?” the man asked Mr. McMahon.

“I don’t know what to say.   The first one seemed like a good idea.   Put a real-life monster in the role of a psychopathic killer in a horror film.   Everyone said it ‘can’t miss’.   I mean, the Saw movies were all hits, everyone was remaking the classic slasher flicks.   How was I supposed to know a horror movie would bomb?” Mr. McMahon ranted.   “Then, there was The Marine.   Sure, the script was bad, and the story made no sense, but it was an action film, damn it!   A summer blockbuster!   Nobody goes to those expecting a decent story!”

“That’s true,” the man said.   “I would know.   I’ve made a few of those myself.”

“What did you say your name was again?” Mr. McMahon asked as he turned from his window, and faced the man to whom he was speaking.  

“Bay,” the man answered, with a smile.   “Michael Bay.”

“Ah, yeah.   The guy who made Will Smith a star,” Mr. McMahon replied.

“The one and only,” Michael Bay said, not-so-humbly.   “So, let’s go back to your past features.   What about…” Bay pauses for a moment and looks down on some papers in his hand, “…The Condemned.”

“You see, that was supposed to be a remake of The Running Man.   Problem was, we couldn’t get the rights, so we had to fudge a few things to get it past legal, you know?” McMahon continued.

“Been there,” Bay sighed.

“So, we put out The Condemned thinking the fans would know, just from seeing the ads, that it was a remake of a Schwarzenegger film.   And hell, if Tim Burton and that Ron Zobby guy can get away with remakes, why can’t we?” McMahon lamented.

“It makes perfect sense to me,” Bay agreed.

“Yeah, but guess what?   Because we didn’t call it Running Man, people started saying that it was a rip-off, and a month later, we’re kicked out of theaters with a mere $7 Million Domestic Gross!” McMahon shouted.

“How much did you spend on it?” Bay asked.

“…$37 million…” McMahon mumbled.

“Ouch!” Bay said.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” McMahon grumbled.   “You know, before I got into this movie business, I was a Billionaire.   Nowadays, I’m only worth several hundred million or so…”

“I know the feeling.   I thought my career was over for sure after The Island,” Bay sympathized.

“What the hell was that movie even about, anyway?” McMahon asked.

“You know,” Bay paused.   “Now that I think of it, I don’t have the slightest idea.   Now, what about this 12 Rounds?   I see you went with this John Cena fellow again.”

“Ah yeah, Cena,” McMahon smiled.   “God, I love that guy.   You know, he’s our biggest drawing star right now.”

“I see,” Bay smiled.   “That explains why his movies seem to do better than all the others.”

“Yeah, well, one night, me, John, and Hunter, we were all over at my house, watching Die Hard with a Vengeance, and Hunter’s like, ‘we should do this’, and I’m like, ‘what do you mean?’   So, Hunter’s like, ‘we should totally do Die Hard 3 for WWE Studios’.   So John chimes in with, ‘but we can’t do Die Hard 3 because there already IS a Die Hard 3, and besides, they’re up to Die Hard 6 now, and we can’t afford Bruce Willis anyway!’   So then I had my daughter book them in a match for Cena’s WWE Title, where the loser had to star in a movie of the winner’s choosing, and, as it turns out, Hunter won, and Cena had to be in Die Hard 3,” Mr. McMahon explained.

“But, because you couldn’t get the rights…” Bay began.

“Rights?    Aw, f*ck that!   We just changed the name and made Die Hard 3, and it was AWESOME!!!   Much like my ass,” Vince smiled.

“Well, Die Hard 3 was awesome, but it only made $17 Million Worldwide.   Meanwhile, the REAL Die Hard 3 made around $360 Million,” Bay said.

“That’s just because they had Bruce Willis!   Hell, I had to make mine with John Cena!   I bet you, if I had Bruce Willis, my Die Hard 3 would have kicked the sh*t out of every other Die Hard movie out there!” Vince boasted.

“But, you see, that’s the problem, Vince,” Bay began.   “You don’t have any stars to work with.   You keep casting these no-name wrestlers in lead roles, and the only people who go out and see your movies are dumbsh*t wrestling fans who think these guys can act!”

“Now you wait one minute here, Mr. ‘I Think I Made Will Smith a Star’...” Vince boomed.

“Oh, come on, Vince, you don’t really think these guys are on the same level as Bruce Willis or Tom Hanks, do you?” Bay asked.

“Well…” McMahon stammered.

“Look, I know that you mean well.   You want to make your guys stars.   Hell, that’s what guys like us do,” Michael continued, “but if you’re ever going to make any real money as a film producer, you either got to stop casting these John Cenas and Ted Diabetes…”

“DiBiase,” McMahon corrected.

“Whatever,” Bay shrugged off.   “Either way, you either have to stop casting your wrestlers in lead roles, or…”

“Or what?!” McMahon asked, excitedly.

“…or, you could look into producing movies based on licensed properties,” Bay suggested.

“What do you mean, ‘licensed properties’?” Vince asked.

“TV Shows… Toy Lines… Comic Books… pretty much anything that’s already out there that hasn’t had a movie made about it in the last ten years is fair game,” Bay explained.   “I’ve done it, and, believe me, as long as the property itself if popular enough, you can cast absolute nobodies in lead roles, and no one gives a sh*t.”

“Really?” Vince asked.

“Hell yeah!” Bay exclaimed.   “You think anyone knew who the hell Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox were before Transformers?   Of course not!   I could have cast my mom and a migrant worker in those roles, and the nerds wouldn’t have known the difference!”

“So, what kind of licensed properties should I be looking for, exactly?” Vince asked.

“Sci-Fi and Fantasy Fiction usually work best.   Nerds tend to have the most disposable cash and are willing to spend it out the ass on their favorite franchises,” Bay suggested.   “Oh, and you probably want to go with something from the 80’s, because most of the movie going public were kids back then, and they just love movies about the stuff they grew up with.”

“I see,” Vince said.   “Hmmm… how about G.I. Joe?”

“Um… it’s already been done,” Bay said.

“Transformers?” Vince asked.

“I already did that.   Twice!” Bay answered.

“He-Man?” Vince added.

“Already in production,” Bay said.

“Hmmm… ThunderCats!” Vince threw out.

“Already in production, man,” Bay shot down.

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?”

“Nope.   They did a CGI sequel a few years back,” Bay answered.

“Damn it!” Vince said, frustrated.   “Is there anything that hasn’t already been done?”

“Well, you are getting on this train kind of late, man,” Bay said.

“I got it… Power Rangers!   I know it’s from the 90’s, but maybe we can get ahead of the trend a little, you know?   Do it before someone thinks of it first,” Vince suggested.

“That could be a problem,” Bay said.

“God damn it!   Who’s doing it?   Is it Ted Turner?   That bastard!   I bet you it’s Ted, doing this just to screw me over!” Vince ranted.

“No, it’s not him.   It’s Disney,” Bay explained.   “They own the Power Ranger franchise.   If anyone’s going to do the remake, it’ll be them.”

“Figures,” McMahon grumbled.   “Leave it to Disney to ruin a perfectly good franchise.   So, who’s left?”

“I think you’re going to have to think outside of the box on this one,” Bay said.   “Most of the good 80’s franchises are already taken.   I mean, you could do Go-Bots…”

“Do I look like Dixie Carter to you?” Vince barked at Bay.

“Um… since I have no idea who the hell that is, I’ll assume that’s a bad thing, and move on,” Bay said.

“Where the hell am I going to find a franchise to exploit?” Vince shouted.

Just then, a voice came over Mr. McMahon’s intercom, saying, “Mr. McMahon, there’s a Mr. Bourne and a Mr. Tatsu here to see you.”

“What the hell do they want?” Vince barked.

“They’re here to pitch a movie, sir.   Something about a comic book?”   At that moment, Michael Bay and Vince McMahon looked at each other, knowing that the other was thinking the exact same thought.

“Let them in,” Mr. McMahon said calmly.

“This is perfect!” Bay announced.   “A comic book movie?   That’ll make millions at the box office!”

“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Mr. Bay,” Vince said, with a cool head.   “They don’t all do well.   Let’s hold up and see what we got before we jump to any conclusions.   After all, we don’t want another Ghost Rider on our hands.”

“True,” Bay agreed.

A nervous Evan Bourn and Yoshi Tatsu slowly walk into Mr. McMahon’s office, as if they were about to be executed on the spot.   Mr. McMahon did not generally take meetings with undercard talent, and, even when he did, he tended to have them do demeaning, humiliating things, such as kiss his exposed backside.   Knowing that there was a very good possibility that they could soon be forced to join a ‘very special club’, Evan and Yoshi approached Mr. McMahon’s desk.

“How can I help you boys, today?” Mr. McMahon said to Evan and Yoshi.

“Well, sir,” Evan began.   “We’re here today because we wanted to pitch an idea for a movie to WWE Studios.”

“Okay,” McMahon said.   “So… who are you?”

“I’m Evan Bourne, and this is Yoshi Tatsu,” Evan said.  

“Uh-huh… and I know you… how, exactly?” Vince asked.

“We, uh… we work for you,” Evan answered.   “In WWE.   We’re both on RAW.”

Vince McMahon looked down for a moment to ponder, then suddenly looked back up and said, “Really?!”

“Yeah,” Evan said.   “I’ve been here for over three years, and Yoshi’s been here nearly two!”

“I could have sworn I just fired one of you,” Vince pondered.   “You, the Asian guy.   What’s your name?”

“Yoshi Tatsu, sir,” Yoshi answered.

“Yo-She-Tat-Soo,” Vince said slowly.   “You sure your name isn’t Funaki?”

“Pretty sure,” Yoshi answered.

“You wouldn’t lie to me now, would you?   One call to Immigration’s all I’d need to have your ass deported!” McMahon said.

“You need to see ID?” Yoshi said, pulling his ID out of his pocket.   He hands it to Vince, who looks it over carefully.

“Well, it’s legit,” McMahon said, handing the ID card back to Yoshi.   “So, you two say you have a movie to pitch me?”

“Yeah, we do,” Evan said, handing Mr. McMahon a comic book.   “It’s called Saints of Los Angeles, and its about this guy, who gets in a motorcycle accident and goes into a coma for five years, just to wake and realize he’s got superpowers, right?   So, while he’s in the coma, Los Angeles goes crazy, right, and gangs and corrupt cops and sh*t take over the city.   Meanwhile, people just start randomly sprouting up super powers.   Some can glow, some can move at the speed of sound, some can control fire, and other people turn invisible and no one knows why everyone’s developing powers, just that it has something to do with air pollution or something.   Anyway, all the gangs gather up everyone with superpowers and whatever and, like, take over the whole city while this dude’s in the coma, right?   And then, one day, he wakes up, and finds out the whole world’s gone to sh*t, right?   So he finds out he has these powers and decides that he’s going to fight back against all the gangs and corrupt cops and whatnot and take the city back for the people, which just starts this huge gang war, so he has to go and find other people like him who aren’t with the gangs or working for the cops, and together, they wage a war to save Los Angeles from the gangs and corruption.”

“Wow,” McMahon said, impressed.

“And, like, it all takes place in the 90’s, just after the Rodney King beatings, too, so you have all of that wrapped up into it,” Evan continued.

“Nice,” McMahon smiled.   “So, this comic… is it popular?”

“Kind of.   It’s still relatively new, practically self-published.   But it’s outselling some of more well-known DC and Marvel titles out there right now,” Evan said.   “At least, it is according to Wikipedia.”

Looking over to Michael Bay, Vince tosses him the comic and asks, “What do you think?”

Evan and Yoshi turn to see Transformers director, Michael Bay, sitting in a chair beside them, looking over the comic Vince just tossed to him.

“I like it,” Bay said.   “You boys get the rights?”

“We already talked to the creator,” Evan said.   “He’s a huge WWE fan, and he’d be glad to let WWE Studios make this movie.   He just has one request…”

“What’s that?” Mr. McMahon asked.

“He wants Hayden Panettiere to play The Shooting Star,” Evan said.  

“Who?” McMahon asked.

“The chick from Heroes,” Michael Bay said.   Looking to Evan, Bay continued, “Tell him, ‘no problem’.   I’ll get her.”

“Really?” Evan said.

“Dude, I’m Michael Bay.   I can get any woman I want,” he said.

“Well, if that’s all, then, heck… let’s make a movie!” Mr. McMahon announced.

“So, you’re going to do it?” Evan asked.

Vince shrugged and said, “Sure.   Sounds good.”

“Um… cool.   Thanks,” Evan said, trying his hardest to keep his cool.   “We should probably get going now.   You and, um… Mr. Bay must have an awful lot to talk about and… we’ll just be going now.”

“I’ll call you once we get the ball rolling, guys,” Michael Bay said as Evan and Yoshi left the room.   Once outside McMahon’s office and safely down the hall, the excitement of their recent accomplishment finally overwhelms them.

“We did it!   We got the movie!   I can’t believe it!” Evan shouted.

“They are actually going to do this!   I am actually going to be a movie star!   I can finally move out of apartment with Goldust!” Yoshi added.

“Can you believe it?   We’re actually going to make a movie!   We’re going to be stars, Yoshi!” Evan exclaimed.   Then, just as sudden, Evan realized, “We’re going to be in a movie… directed by Michael Bay.”

Yoshi, seeing the sudden change in demeanor, asks, “What is the matter?   We are going to make the movie, so why are you now sad instead of happy?”

“Yoshi,” Evan began, “have you ever seen Independence Day?”

“That is the one where Will Smith fight the giant metal spider, right?” Yoshi asked.

“No, that was Wild, Wild West.   I’m talking about the one with the aliens,” Evan said.

“The one with Tommy Lee Jones? “ Yoshi asked.

“No, the one where aliens blow up the White House,” Evan said.

“Oh.   Yes.   I have seen that movie,” Yoshi said, sadly.

“Okay, well, the guy in Mr. McMahon’s office just now was the guy who directed Independence Day,” Evan explained.   “And Transformers.”

“Transformers?” Yoshi asked, concerned.   “The sequel, too?”

“Yep,” Evan said.   “And Armageddon.”

“Oh sh*t,” Yoshi said.

“Yeah,” Evan agreed.   “Exactly what I was thinking.”

“But, but… his movies, they make money, right?” Yoshi asked.

“Well, yeah, but not because they’re any good or anything,” Evan answered.   “They just make money because he casts hot chicks and the movies tend to have a lot of explosions and stuff.”

“I am failing to see problem here,” Yoshi said.

“The problem is that we’re almost guaranteed to be in a bad movie, Yoshi,” Evan explained.   “Comic Books + Michael Bay = Really, Really Bad Movie.   You understand what I’m saying?”

“Bad movie, perhaps,” Yoshi said, “but we still make money, right?”

“You know how you’re always bitching about how bad the Twilight movies are?” Evan asked.

“Yes,” he answered.

“Okay,” Evan began.   “Well, we’re about to be in a movie that’s going to make Twilight look like Batman Begins.”

“Oh,” Yoshi said, finally understanding his predicament.   “That is bad.”

“And it’s only going to get worse from here,” Evan said.