Tales From The Insanity Universe: Evan and Yoshi Make a Movie

The Insanity Universe is not our Universe. It exists in the head of Mike Johns. Who lives there? Every wrestler you've ever known....

Hours until Monday Night RAW, the night of the 2010 WWE Draft, Evan Bourne and Yoshi Tatsu arrive at the arena, ready to compete in front of entire WWE Universe, live and in Prime Time. Their efforts as a tag team over the past several weeks have now earned them this, their one shot at the Undisputed Tag Team Titles. On top of the recent news that their pitch was successful, and that WWE Studios was, in fact, going to make a movie starring the two, this was a most wondrous time for the two young superstars. Soon, Yoshi would be earning enough money to afford his own apartment, and no longer have to live with the Twilight-obsessed Goldust, who, as of this moment, is counting down the days until Eclipse is released in theaters. And while Evan wasn’t too thrilled to learn that his movie was to be directed by the infamous Michael Bay, director of such classics as Armageddon and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, he eventually calmed down and accepted that, while he may be part of a potentially bad movie, the movie itself stood to make a killing in the DVD market, generating royalties enough for even the most cynical of film fan to forgive Bay’s tendency to focus more on explosions rather than story.

That, and even the worst Michael Bay film is still better than Impact.

Not only that, but, should they win their Undisputed Tag Title Match tonight, no matter how the Draft eventually plays out, Evan and Yoshi will still remain together as a team. It seemed that, for the moment, all was right in the world of Evan Bourne and Yoshi Tatsu.

Just as the two stars enter the arena, Big Show walks towards them. Meanwhile, in the distance, The Miz just glares at the two young contenders menacingly, enraged over the fact that he has to now defend the Undisputed Tag Team Titles again, after having barely survived the gauntlet match ShowMiz was in the night before at Extreme Rules. As Miz watched his partner, the man who was supposed to have his back, making nice with their opponents, Miz could not help but wonder just how strong his bond with the Big Show really was.

“Hey guys,” Big Show says to Evan and Yoshi, with a big smile on his face. “How’s it going? Heard your movie got the green light!”

“Yeah,” Evan said. “We’re supposed to hear back any day now about the filming schedule.”

“Sorry you’re stuck with Michael Bay,” Show continued.

“Eh, could be worse,” Evan sighed. “It could be Uwe Boll.”

Big Show, Evan, and Yoshi all shudder at the thought.

“So, looks like you guys are getting a shot against us for the Undisputed Tag Team Titles, tonight,” Show said.

“That’s what we’re being told,” Evan replied. “Kinda looking forward to it, you know?”

“Really?” Big Show laughed.

“Well, usually, if I was told I was in a match against the Big Show, I’d be panicked, you know? Sweating like crazy, wondering how I’d stand up to a 7-foot tall, 500-pound pissed-off giant. But, ever since we got this movie deal, it’s like nothing can go wrong, you know?” Evan replied.

“So… you’re thinking you guys have a chance against me and the Miz tonight?” Big Show asked.

“About as good a chance as we ever would, right Yoshi?” Evan said.

Yoshi just stares up at the large man standing before him, unsure of how to react.

“Yoshi?” Evan asked. “You okay, buddy?”

“I think I just realized just how huge this man is,” Yoshi answered.

Big Show just laughed. “It’s okay. Even I’m amazed at how big I am, sometimes.”

Suddenly, Evan looks over and sees the Miz, seething in anger in the distance, staring a hole into Evan’s chest.

“Hey, Show,” Evan said. “You sure you should be talking to us right now. Miz doesn’t look happy about it.”

Big Show laughs, “What’s he going to do about it?”

“Well…” Evan began.

“Look,” Big Show interrupted. “I know that, occasionally, I get angry, and can act like a jerk, but, honestly, I kinda like you guys. And, just between us, this whole thing with the Miz? I’m kinda hoping we lose tonight, and I get traded to SmackDown, you know what I’m saying?”

“Wait…” Evan paused. “Are you saying…?”

“I’m not saying anything, okay?” Big Show assured. “But, if, for whatever reason, I just happen to be lying on the mat, and one of you just happened to make a cover, I might think about whether its worth the effort to kick out, if you know what I mean?”

“So, you are to, as you say, take the dive?” Yoshi concluded.

“Whoa,” Big Show said, shocked by the accusation. “Nobody said anything about a ‘dive’! I’m just saying…”

“We understand what you’re saying, Show,” Evan interrupted. “And we appreciate it. Really, we do.” Evan then nudges Yoshi and whispers to him, “Ixnay on the Ive-day.”

Yoshi just looks at Evan, confused.

“You know, Show, it’s been nice talking to you, and all, but we really do have to get ready for our match tonight,” Evan said, trying to make a hasty exit.

“It’s cool,” Show said. “I understand. Good luck tonight!”

“Thanks,” Evan said as he walked away, pushing Yoshi along with him.

“What is going on? Big Show is going to throw the match?” Yoshi asks.

“Dude! Keep it down!” Evan chastises. “The last thing we need is for people to think this isn’t on the level, okay? I mean, think about it! If people thought that pro wrestling was fixed, then what? Next thing you know, wrestling shows would be parodies of themselves, filled with 40 year-old men bowling leprechauns, duct taped to a skateboard, down the hallway as a phony Italian guy and a bad karaoke singer sing Elton John duets!”

Just then, Hornswoggle, duct taped to a skateboard, comes rolling by as Triple H chases after him, followed by Santino Marella and Jillian Hall signing Elton John’s “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”.

“I swear to god, I’m living in an episode of Family Guy,” Evan Bourne sighs.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the hall, the Miz confronts the Big Show.

“So,” Miz began. “You going to tell me what all that’s about?”

“Jesus Christ, Miz,” Big Show sighed. “I was just talking to them, okay? Since I was the guy who gave them the idea for the movie, I thought, hey, maybe it’d be nice if I went over and congratulated them on getting the project green-lighted. The plan’s the same as it’s ever been.”

“Well, it better be,” Miz snapped. “If I find out you’re screwing me over, fat boy, you’re done for! You understand me? I’m an international superstar, god damn it, and I’m not about to be embarrassed on National TV during the Draft, especially by some Indy Nobody and his Japanese Buddy, Yoshi!”

As Miz walks off, angry and in a huff, Big Show mutters to himself, “I’m so looking forward to getting drafted off this damn show, you have no idea.”

A few minutes later, just outside of the WWE Locker Room, Evan Bourne’s cell phone goes off.

“Who is it?” Yoshi asked as Evan looked at his phone.

“It’s Michael Bay,” Evan said.

“Answer it!” Yoshi shouted in gleeful anticipation.

Evan answers, “Hello? Yeah, this is Evan… Yoshi’s here, too. We’re supposed to face Big Show and the Miz for the Undisputed Tag Titles during the Draft tonight… Uh-huh. You’re already in the building? Okay… You want us to meet you, right now, in the middle of the ring? You always wanted to say that, didn’t you? Sure, we can talk. We just need to set our stuff in the locker room, then we’ll be right out. Cool. See you in a few.”

As Evan hangs up, Yoshi can hardly wait to hear the news. “What did he say?”

“He’s here at the arena,” Evan answered. “He says he wants to talk to us in the ring. Says its important.”

“The ring?” Yoshi asked. “Why would he want to see us in the ring? He is not a wrestler, and the show does not begin for many hours yet.”

“He just wanted to check out the ring, I guess,” Evan said. “A lot of the Guest Hosts do, after all, so I guess we can’t be too surprised Michael Bay wanted to check it out, too.”

“I guess,” Yoshi said, not fully convinced.

“Come on, Yosh,” Evan said. “Let’s get our stuff put away, so we can meet up with Michael Bay…”

Several minutes later, Evan and Yoshi make their way out onto the entrance ramp and towards the RAW ring. As they look around at the large, empty arena, Michael Bay is in the ring with Mr. McMahon, talking.

“So, the ropes… you guys use actual rope for that,” Bay said to Mr. McMahon.

“Yep,” McMahon said.

“Because, you know, some people use cables,” Bay continued.

“And some people have 6-sided rings and confusing gimmick matches,” McMahon quipped.

“You know, they don’t use the 6-sided ring anymore,” Bay said.

“What?” McMahon asked, confused.

“TNA,” Bay answered. “You know, the company ran by that Dixie Carter chick you brought up when I mentioned the possibility of you making a Go-Bots movie.”

“Oh,” McMahon said. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Bay said. “Happened about 4 months ago, just before that Kazarian guy went crazy and attacked Hulk Hogan. You heard about that, right?”

“I..” McMahon stammered. “…I try not to concern myself with what other wrestling companies do. We’re in the business of Sports Entertainment, and…”

“Vince,” Bay interrupted. “It’s okay, I don’t need the hard sell. I already know WWE is more than just a ‘rasslin’ company!”

“Oh,” McMahon said, relieved. “Good. Because I had nothing to do with that, you know.”

“Nobody said you did,” Bay said, concerned.

Just then, Evan and Yoshi make their way inside the WWE ring.

“Ah, there they are! The men of the hour!” Bay said. “How are you two doing?”

“Pretty good,” Evan said.

“Excited about that big title match tonight?” Bay asked.

“Hell yeah!” Evan exclaimed.

“How about you?” Bay asked Yoshi. “You’re awfully quiet.”

“Good…” Yoshi said. “Why are we in ring?”

“Well, that’s actually Vince’s department,” Bay said, giving the floor to Vince McMahon.

“You see, boys,” Mr. McMahon began. “Now that you’re going to be movie stars, we need to figure out a way to write the two of you off of TV for a while.”

“What do you mean, ‘write us off of TV for a while’?” Evan asked.

“Well,” McMahon began. “I mean… well, this.”

Suddenly, Randy Orton slides into the ring and RKOs Yoshi Tatsu.

“What the hell…?” Evan exclaims, shocked at the recent turn of events.

Then, just as suddenly, Randy gives Evan an RKO as well.

“You’re going to want to back up for this one, Michael,” McMahon said, pulling Michael Bay away from the fray, allowing Randy Orton all the room he needs to work.

As Yoshi Tatsu struggles to his hand and knees, Randy Orton backs away, waiting for just the right moment. Then, with the quickness of a cat, Orton strikes again, blasting Yoshi Tatsu in the head with a devastating Punt Kick. Evan Bourne, only vaguely aware of what is happening, sees the impact of Orton’s kick to Yoshi’s head, and in his mind, he knows what’s coming next. Unfortunately, the RKO he took has left him woozy and unable to gain a steady footing. Orton now charges towards Evan, and while he can see it coming, he is helpless to stop it. Seconds later, Orton connects with the punt. Evan is helpless to stop it.

Just as Evan is falling into unconsciousness, he can hear Mr. McMahon say, sarcastically, “Yeah, like I was really going to make a movie starring these two losers…”

“At least he didn’t make us join the Kiss My Ass Club,” Evan thought as his consciousness slipped away.