Folks, somedays you're the bug, somedays you're me, James E. Couture, the windshield of life. Y'know, after the Raw Family Reunion, I got a hankering for some IRS. Of the five old men, uh, Legends* in the ring, Schyster looked to be the least delapitated, mostly because he looked near-50 and pudgy in 1994. With that in mind, plus, being an accounting major, the fact that I can appreciate the odd juxtaposition of accountancy and wrestling, I have brought to you the Irwin R. Schyster Profile. But I didn't want to profile Money Inc., at least not before securing an interview with a key man in their history, Wrestling Superstar Virgil, though I'll probably have to wait in line. No, no, I decided to MAKE HISTORY yet again and bring you the story of a title reign that didn't 100% happen, it's IRS as IC Champ!
Born Michael Irwin Rotundo Schyster, IRS first rose to prominence under his alias Mike Rotundo as one half of the U.S. Express with Barry Windham, trading the titles with NickelDime Volkoff and the Iron Sheik.
"In Russia, titles trade you!"
-Nikolia Volkoff, HBO's One Night Stand: Nikolia Volkoff, 1989
After moving on down to NWA/WCW, Mike became Cap'n Mike, known for his devestating Cap'n Crunch. Eventually, though, Irwin came home, to compete in the WWE under his real name as a vindictive accountant. With that key component, Schyster was able to deduct key expenses as business related, such as suspenders and steel breifcases.
"Section 10-B-Steel Deductions: If you're occupation on form W-2 is "professional wrestler", deduct any steel items purchased within the last 12 months. This may include: steel chair, steel stairs, steel shovel, steel trash can, steel tennis racket, steel branding iron, steel megaphone, steel aluminum siding. DO NOT include VHS Cassette of "Steel" starring Shaquille O'Neal or Steely Dan merchandise."
-Section 10-B, Schedule WBF, "Deductions for Foreign Object Income", 2007
After teaming with The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase in a lucrative championship tag team, Schyster was riding high, just sitting on the dock of the bay. DiBiase, however, felt compelled to retire from wrestling in order to achieve his life's goal, paying hobos to compete in potato sack races. Irwin was distraught. What was a lone tax specialist to do?
Draw the ire of a faux Cuban, of course. Schyster, bemused by the upset loss of Raz' to the 1-2-3 Kid, and indignant towards Ramon's toothpick flicking ways, began belittling the man who would be Hall. After Shawn Michaels vacated the Intercontinental Title to pursue God, or something, IRS was one of many top stars, including Giant Gonzales and MVP (the bad...worse one) to compete in a battle royal to determine two top contenders. IRS was gunning for Ramon, after Double R cost the TaxMan a match against complete loser PJ Credible. IRS didn't win though. No, after the battle royal and match against Rick Martel, Razor Ramon was Intercontinental Champion. Luckily, IRS had a shot at redemption: Irwin R. Schyster v Razor Ramon for the Intercontinental Championship at the 1994 Royal Rumble.
"It's on like a pot of neckbones in North Cackilackey so call yo fat mama and tell that fruit booty Vito to watch my show on Fox News!"
-The Yak Bak providing JBL's commentary, SmackDown!, 2006
What ensued was a legendary battle. There was punching. There was kicking. There was shoulderblocking. Heck, Irwin even dropped an Accountant's Elbow. But after the referee was inadvertently knocked out, the Self-Proclaimed World's Greatest Intercontinental Champion, Shawn Michaels, ran to the ring (what's HE doing here?!?!) and hit Razor in the back with his fake title belt (Replica Fake Intercontinental Title Belt available on WWEshop.com, $899), then, just for kicks, left the thing lying around. Irwin capitalized by draping the arm across, and the ref counted 1--3, and yes, YES, Irwin had done it! Schyster had put the IC back in ICPA. Jim Ross yelled that "Irwin R. Schyster is the new Intercontinental champion!" Good enough for me!
But it wasn't good enough for that Hebnerite, Earl Hebner, who decided to ver step his bounds and run to the ring and tell assigned ref Joey Morella bout the doings that had just been a-transpirin', as well as show him that here were two belts. Morella, in his infinite wisdom, restarted the match, as the bell had never rung, but didn't feel like telling Irwin, who was innocently celebrating on the turnbuckle. Ramon casually strolled up and delivered a Razor's Edge, and Joey counted the 1-2-3, and apparently THIS one counted more than the first one. Ramon was STILL Intercontinental Champion.
Still, for those few minutes, when IRS was holding aloft the Fake Intercontinental Title, pocket-protector wearing nerds everywhere said, "It could be ME!". Of course, it obviously couldn't, but hey, they had hope, right? Then it all came crashing down, and white guys pretending to be Cuban everywhere were like "Hey yo, das good, huh?" So though no title history recognizes the seconds long title reign of IRS, I will, so that means its pretty much a fact.
Well, until the Oakland Raiders lead the way in providing a positive role model for all NFL teams, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.
And I'm sorry if you don't think accounting humor is funny. It's probably
just me.
*Legends is a trademarked term of WWE
