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Couture's Championship Profiles: Cruiserweight Champion Chavo Classic
By James E. Couture
Aug 17, 2006 - 11:28 AM

Folks, it's your foremost authority on things you don't care about, me, James E. Couture.  Y'know, with the Rey-Chavo-Vickie thing having Eddie turning over in his grave so many times he's LITERALLY dizzy, I figured I'd play it classy, or class-IC, rather, with the man, the myth, the Cheech Marin impersonator, Chavo Guerrero, Sr.!

After feuding with the Late Great Eddie Guerrero in January, Chavo Guerrero, Jr., or New Chavo, procured the managerial services of his father (or something like that), Chavo Classic, for some (im)moral support and quality father-son rule breaking.  Despite living up to the family tradition of "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" in much the same way fan favorite L.G. Eddie did, Michael Cole was outraged.


"Dammit, that's not "Lying, Cheating, and Stealing", that's cheating to steal the damn match, then lying about it!  Not this way, not this way!"
                     -Michael Cole, from "The Michael Cole Show", Saturday afternoons on USA Network


Having regained  the Cruiserweight title from Jacqueline (another profile for another time), New Chavo had to defend his title on Smackdown in a triple threat match against Spike Dudley and Chavo Classic for "some reason", a favorite rationale here at the Profiles. After some double teaming from the Caffine Free Los Guerreros, Spudley fought back, but ended up succumbing to a fluke pin by Chavo Classic.  Finally, after climbing the ranks with no wins, losses, or matches, Chavo Sr. had the cruiserweight gold he may or may not have wanted.


"I hate WWE so much.  They're so dumb.  What?  Oh, Chavo's fine.  WWE's dumb though.  They couldn't even make a star out of a 150 pound guy whose best quality is getting beat the f--- up.  How stupid is that?"
                     -Brother Runt, from TNA.com's web show, "Ram This!", 2006


Chavo Classic defended his newly won crown against sure fire Hall of Famers (Japanese Jobber Wing) Akio and Funaki, who earned title shots with the same "some reason" Classic got his shot.


"Well, I felt Akio deserved a shot at some gold.  His snazzy black pants and the way he didn't speak English really connected with some of our key demographics, like my landscaper's masseuse."
-Vince McMahon, interview with "Honey Nut Cheerios Monthly" magazine, 2005


With each successful title defense, Chavo Classic celebrated with some old,
dumpy prostitutes, Big Vis-style.


"Aw, yeah. Wouldn't mind having me some sex with that, if you know what I mean."
-Former King of the Ring Viscera, referring to a sofa he found on the side of the road, "Hustler: 500 Pounders Edition", 2002


Sadly, the Chavo Classic Era was not to be long lived.  After missing some shows, Chavo Classic was "off his game" in a defense against Rey Mexterious, and future World (Heavyweight) Champion My Stereo took the gold.  Classic was released immediately afterward. Rey attempted to wear a color coordinated "CC" armband with each outfit every week to pay homage, and get New Chavo's mom in on the whole thing, but that plan was put in the "maybe later" file.

Well, until The Spirit Squad replaces Mikey with Paul Roma, I am, as always, James E. Couture

Always.

(A Reminder:  "Dammit", Late Great Eddie Guerrero, "Not This Way", and
inappropriate use of the word literally are trademarks owned my Michael Cole Corporation, LLC)