Folks, it's the man who's double handedly changing Thursdays (try typing with one hand and tell me how it goes), James E. Couture.
Y'know, there's a lot of truculence and tribulation in the world today, but I'm pretty sure the entire world can agree on one thing: the WWE European Championship was one of the ten best inventions ever created by humans, somewhere behind Eggo Waffles. From it's bevy of European flags to its rockin' red banner on the front, the European Championship served as a springboard for nine future world champions. Well, actually, DDP used it as a parachute for his sinking career, but that's a whole different profile. So then, let us regale at the tale of the man who made xenophobic rants cool again, Bradshaw.
The year was 2001, back when JBL stood for Just Bradshaw, Loser. The Alliance, consisting of Stone Cold Steve Austin, Shawn Stasiak, and some other guys were close to wiping WWE off the map. While The Rock led the charge against guys people cared about, someone had to keep Sunday Night Heat, Jakked, and pointless PPV mid-card matches safe from threats like Justin Credible and Kanyon. Leading the charge against "ground level" Alliance forces were the APA and Bob Holly, who all felt a deep sense of loyalty to WWE for opportunities for stardom like Sparky Plugg and the New Blackjacks.
"If it weren't for the WWE, I'd just be poor white trash. Luckily, the
McMahons have graciously paid me to hit people in the face!"
-Bob Holly, from an interview with JobberShoot.com, 2002
One of the unlikely leaders of the Alliance Level One Scouts for Effective Reconnaissance (L.O.S.E.R. for short) was "Sugar" Shane Gregory "Hurricane" Helms, who at this point was just The Hurricane. 'Cane had secured the European title for the Alliance, a gigantic blow to the WWE, by doing what few people have ever done, pin Matt Hardy.
"When Hardy came in to tell me he had lost the European Championship, I was shocked. I mean, I figured he'd lose the belt, obviously, but I was shocked he was looking me in the eye and speaking to me directly, which I had told him never to do."
-Vince McMahon, from his spoken word album, "Rappin' with Vinnie Mac", 2003
Hurricane managed to fend off the challenge of Spike Dudley, despite outweighing him by only 50 pounds. Little did The Hurricane know the real storm was on the horizon.
Bradshaw had entered the WWE in 1996 as Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw (or JHB) and eventually switched to Blackjack Bradshaw. Why would he be saddled (pun intended) with two consecutive cowboy gimmicks? Well, my trusty "Big Book O' Wrestling Stereotypes" states that a wrestler from Texas is legally required to be either a cowboy or a rough and tumble redneck. After the New Blackjacks split up, so Barry Windham could lead the memorable NWA invasion of early 1998, Bradshaw surprisingly flopped as a singles guy with a big giant mustache. Luckily, he eventually teamed up with former WCW Champion Ron "Faarooq" Simmons to form the Acolytes in the Ministry of Darkness.
"Damn"
-Ron "Faarooq" Simmons, from his financial advice book, "Get Some Damn Money Now, Dammit!"
By 2001, the APA had been teaming for close to three years, and is often the case, wanderlust had set in. After losing the tag titles to DDP and Kanyon in a two-star classic, the APA had fallen out of contention for tag gold behind Kronic. Bradshaw saw that if he was going to take on the Alliance, he may have to go it alone. So, after the Hurricane wrecked the APA's office, Bradshaw got himself a title shot, and, in a match hailed as "championship caliber" (because it was for a title), nailed some Punches from Hell, a Fallaway Slam from Hell, and finished him off with a Clothesline from Hell and a Pinfall from Hell. Finally, after minutes of buildup, Bradshaw was European Champion (from Hell).
"It hurt to see Helms drop the strap, but, hey, I know how that goes.
Remember 3Count and "Nasty" Knobbs back in the day? Good times."
-Evan Karagias, "Who Cares Where They Are Now?", 2004
Still, Bradshaw would prove he's no Val Venis, dropping the European title to Christian 8 days later. The match was originally taped for Smackdown, but never shown, as some felt the match was so good showing it for free would be tantamount to wiping your butt with a psalm book. Announcers just said he won it last Tuesday. Fans of the European Championship: American League (or F.E.C.A.L. for short) were outraged. No one cared.
Though it was only eight days (700% more than Chris Jericho), Bradshaw had his first taste of singles gold, and he liked it. He'd go on to win the Hardcore title 987 times (10th most title reigns ever), the U.S. title, and the WWE Championship, spontaneously "getting good" in 2004 after years of mediocrity. He'd also prove to be the best Smackdown announcer since Tazz, literally.
"Yo! Me and Joey numbers invented that suplex back in Red Hook, and it gets me fustrated when these paisons grab their yambags!"
-Tazz, from "Conversational Brooklynese: Unit 1", 2002
Well, until WWE Films licenses Matlock: The Motion Picture, starring Ric Flair, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.
Damn.
