Couture's Championship Profiles: Intercontinental Champion Rikishi

Folks, it's 168 pounds of twisted tin and pasty skin, me, James E. Couture.  Y'know, it's pretty hard to MAKE HISTORY every week, so the only thing I can come up with this week is to MAKE HISTORY by NOT MAKING HISTORY for the first time in a long time. It's not HBO, it's just regular ass Championship Profiles!

The year was 2000, and the World Wrestling Fendertainmention was blowing in the winds of cha-ange. After Stone Cold's "run-in" with a little attempted vehicular manslaughter*, the WWE was getting an "Attitude" adjustment. The rise of Triple H to main event status, as well as the arrival of fresh new stars like Perry Saturn and Essa Rios, was giving way to a new face of the #1 wrestling company in the world. But who, who would be the leader of this new New Generation? I'll give you a hint-he's Samoan, so it's not Steve Blackman, he's fat, so he's not the Rock, and he's alive, so he's not Yokozuna. No, in fact the man who would usher in a new golden age of wrestling would be-Rikishi.

"Damn, I thought it was me"
             -Jeff Jarrett, interview with jarrettisthegodofthenwachampionshipandajstylessucks.org, 2003

Entering the Ent circa 1993ish, Rikishi Phatu (roughly translated to "Fat Dancer Man") toiled for years, first as a Headshrinker, then became The Sultan, despite the fact he was not Persian at all.

"Brown is brown!"
-Vince McMahon, Sesame Street episode #1206, Today's Number: (pi+i/x!), 1997

The Quiche (a nickname earned for his 1st place trophy in a quiche eating contest) must have learned a thing or two from his ex-manager Bob Backlund, because despite these setbacks, as well as a run as the straight talking Fatu, Rikishi never threw in the towel.....nevermind. Anyway, after returning to TV in late 1999, the Phat Man (a nickname earned because he's fat) found a niche as the dancing pal of tag team powerhouse Too Cool.

"When they told us we we're gonna work with Rikishi, I told them we didn't mind flying and we didn't need this bus. Then I realized he WAS the bus.  Scared the HELL outta me. True story."
   -Scotty Too Hotty, from "Louis Sockalexis to Scotty Too Hotty: Both of Maine's Sports Heroes", 2001

Rikishi was gaining momentum. Though Billy Gunn was the Ass Man Rikishi was the ass, man, and fans nationwide thrilled to him rubbing his butt in various people's faces, like Pete Rose.

"I'm Sorry Rikishi Rubbed His Ass In My Face"
      -Message on a ball signed by Pete Rose, on eBay, bid: $1.34, 2006

By June, Rikishi's momentum was reaching a crescendo. After advancing in the 256-man King of the Ring Tournament, Rikishi met his KOTR PPV opponent five days early (three if you think SmackDown!'s live). They fought, hammer and tum, or whatever/. Though I only saw the match once, 6 years ago, on a 2 hour delay because of a Red Sox game, I'm pretty sure Benoit chopped and Rikishi used most of his moveset, like the belly to belly suplex and running butt bump, and...well, anyway, after some intense action, Rikishi nailed The Banzai Drop, in honor of the Late Great Yokozuna, and captured that sweet, sweet gold. Finally, people holding their breath since the IC Title screwjob at WrestleMania 13 could exhale.

"We go to da WressMania Turteen, and da no good sumna bish Rocky Johnson, he do da gay shuffle and punch my man. I will humble the f------- f------- until he's Squishy Johnson."
                    -Iron Sheik, from UN Symposium on Stereotypes in Wrestling, 2000

As Intercontinental Champion, Big Fat Quiche picked up big win after big win, defeating Chris Benoit (by DQ-way to get hit by a chair big man!) in the King of the Ring Tourney, and then upsetting the legend in his own lifetime, Val Venis, before succumbing to TNA star Kurt Angle in the finals.

"I look forward to a rematch with him in TNA. What the hell do you mean he doesn't work here?!? Then who rubbed their ass in my face?"
            -Kurt Angle, Neck Surgery Home Journal, 2006

Rikishi even picked up another win over Benoit...by DQ again. After 14 of the greatest days in the history of the world, though, the ass dried up.   Rikishi's arch rival, Val Venis, used inexplicable and unexplained assistance from Tazz and began HIS dyanasty on July 4, 2000. It was like the time Lex Luger slammed Yokozuna, except Val's Canadian.

Eventually, Rikishi would be revealed as the man who tried to run down Stone Cold, but, just like in real life, he was forgiven by the fans when he started rubbing his ass in the right people's faces again.

Until Verne Gagne releases "Crusty Old Wrestlers Kill Ca$h: Why I Love Baron Von Raschke", I am in fact, James E. Couture.

(*a pun AND foreshadowing-YES!!!)