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Couture's Championship Profiles: Intercontinental Champion Ken Shamrock
By James E. Couture
Jul 13, 2006 - 4:08 PM

Folks, it's the greatest thing to hit wrestling since the hypodermic needle,
me, James E. Couture

Now, my more loyal viewers may have checked out the discussion board and found my post in regards to last weeks profile alluded to my next one being of Bradshaw.  Well, call me Monday Nitro, 'cause I pulled the old bait and switch.  I actually have a write-up of Bradshaw ready, however some of the jokes (see Simmons, Ron "Faarooq"), are too similar to last week's, so I'll save it for another couple of weeks, again, like a Nitro main event.  Besides, when I saw the UFC PPV last weekend, seeing Ken Shamrock be decimated so easily (again), I figured it would be more topical to pay tribute to the last time Ken Shamrock was good, at anything really, namely 1998.

Years before he was "The World's Most Oldest Fighter", Ken Shamrock was considered by some (marketers) to be the "World's Most Dangerous Man".  What made him the MOST DANGEROUS man in the WORLD? Nuclear stockpile? Nah.  A simple handgun? Nope.  A sharpened stick? Funk, no.  Ankle lock? Absolutely! 

  Shamrock was SO dangerous because he lost his temper and grabbed people's feet.  After success in the world of mixed martial arts, Shamrock decided he could probably make more money in pro wrestling, with only a slightly higher risk of breaking his neck.  Bursting onto the WWE scene in 1997, Shamrock first appeared as the referee in the infamous "Submission Match" between Bret Hart and Steve Austin.

"What? Lookatchya...Yeah, I saw that mealy mouthed Ken Shamrock, trying to ref a match with ol' Stone Cold.  Eh-Uh!  What? My watch is telling me 'Don't trust anybody', because Stone Cold's Watch said so!"
-Steve Austin, from the Book of Austin, Austin 6:11

After Scamrock began actually, y'know, wrestling for WWE, fans began to take notice of his unique combination of yelling and hitting himself in the head, an act that earned him a large following of 8 year olds with tantrums and self esteem issues, a highly coveted demographic for WWE advertisers.

In January 1998, it was evident that the Year of Shamrock had begun.  Kenny S. had defeated the Rock bor the Intercontinental title at the Royal Rumble, but the decision was reversed after a ref found brass knucks on Shammy during the post-match patdown that happens all the time. Shamrock was outraged.  He got another shot at WrestleMania 14, but again lost by reverse decision. Shamrock was outraged.  Shamwad finally gained a measure of revenge, defeating the Rock to become the King of the Ring that June, but, oddly, was still outraged.

Then, on October 12, 1998, fans of Shamrock were able to hit themselves in the head with sheer joy.  A one night tournament, with what some called the greatest assemblage of talent since WrestleMania 4, was held to determine a new Intercontinental champion, after reigning champ Triple H blew out his knee, probably playing with his sledgehammer, or possibly a freak jump rope accident.

In the first round, Ken Shamrock defeated Steve Blackman.

"I'm Steve Blackman, and this is a blurb."
-From his best selling self-help book, "Cutting Promos the Steve Blackman Way"

Meanwhile, Val Venis proved his stock was on the rise, pinning former Intercontinental champion and legend in his own lifetime, Marc Mero, Mankind beat Mark Henry in a match for the ages, and X-Pac beat internet darling Jeff Jarrett in a match called "definitely main event material", and "not crummy at all" by TNA management in a 2003 interview.

In some scary foreshadowing, Shamwad beat Venis in the 2nd round, putting him on a pedestal beside big names like Tyson Tomko and Lance Cade, while X-Pac beat Mankind.  It was all down to the main event.  Would Shamrock finally take the gold he had stripped from him twice before this year?  Would X-Pac suck?  The answer to both questions was a resounding "yes".  In a moment called by some wrestling journalists "as big as the time Elvis landed on the moon", Shamrock grabbed the hell out of X-Pac's foot, garnering the submission and the Intercontinental title.

With the aid of the Corporation, Shamrock would keep the gold for 4 months, while winning and losing the tag team titles with Big Bubba Bossman, before succumbing, ironically, to the man he beat in the 2nd round of the now fabled tournament, Val Venis, thanks to a fast count by third ballot Hall of Fame-asser Billy Gunn.

"Are you sure that was me?  I'm not sure what this 'winning' you speak of means, I mean, is it a special way of jobbing?"
-Val Venis, from the "Chief Morley Fan Club Newsletter"

After the loss, Kenny drifted around before feuding with the WWE-debuting Chris Jericho. He had to pull out of their match at Unforgiven, and just kept pulling, as he left the WWE as well.  Though he did win the NWA title in TNA's "dark ages" (before Jeff Jarrett won his first title), he eventually found his way back to the world of MMA, most notably UFC, where he portrays the lovable loser, except that he's an idiot and no one likes him. Still, UFC officials know that when you book Ken Shamrock, you're going to get one spectacular beating from his opponent, whether it be from Sheetrock falling down, or just being too old and getting beat nearly blind.

There were unsubstantiated rumors floating around (from me) that Ken would face fellow crossover megastar Tank Abbott in a fight, but both parties had to pull out because of "a Diagnosis Murder marathon" and "a Philly cheese steak, dripping with mayo", respectively.

Well, until Dan "The Beast" Severn steamrolls Senshi en route to the X-Division gold, I am, in fact, James E. Couture

Shamrock's old.