Couture's Championship Profiles: King of the Ring Winner Billy Gunn

Folks, it's the greatest literary figure to come out of Lisbon High School since Stephen King (and that's a shoot!), me, James E. Couture! Well, after taking it sleazy for a few weeks, I'm back to MAKING HISTORY this week, as I present to you the FIRST EVER main site King of The Ring induction, William Mother F---ing GUNN!

Every once in a while, a wrestling company has a watershed moment, whether it be Ahmed Johnson winning the Intercontinental Title, or the formation of the Misfits In Action. One such occasion was the 1999 King of The Ring pay-per-view. In addition to the first ever ppv meeting of Edge 'N' Christian and The Hardy Boyz, this event also marked the near-collapse of the space-time continuum, as Steve Blackman came within a whisper of main-eventing a pay-per-view.

"I was so excited, my heart rate nearly hit 50 beats per minute."
-Steve Blackman, from "Chicken Soup for the Former Hardcore Champion's Soul", 2001

But the star of the evening was Billy Gunn, and really, why wouldn't it be?  Billy was rolling into the tournament with a full head of steam, usurping one of the Tag Team Title belts from the Acolytes by pinning X-Pac(foreshadowing alert!) in a 6-Man tag match, because that made plenty of sense.

"Damn"
-Ron "Faarooq" Simmons, from "Nation of Domination: The Animated Series", on Kids CW!, 2006

That fateful tournament kicked off with two former Tag Team championship partners squaring off, with X-"1-2-3-'Syxx'-Kid"-Pac facing Bob "Hardcore"(Spark Plugg) Holly, though that bit of histoire was lost on J.R. and The King. You'd think besting Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka would resonate more, but...Eitherhoo, an epic battle ensued, with X-Pizzle hitting his trademarked spin kicks and bronco buster, before Bob proved to be too "Extreme" for the crown and got himself DQ'd. Holly then cut a classic "out of breath" promo to capture that elusive asthmatic demographic.

Kane then took on The Big Show in possibly the fattest match of the night.  After some back and forth "action", including a legitimate 3 minute chokehold, the man of the hour, Bob Holly made his presence felt again, bringing a chair into the mix and costing Showster the match. I'm pretty sure you'll see THAT woven into a storyline some Tuesday real soon.

Road Dogg faced former DX stablemate and former woman Chyna, with Chyynna Doaull, or whatever the hell she's decided to go by today, dominating the match with great moves like a bodyslam, a clothesline, and some elbows. All was not lost though, as Jesse James (the Outlaw, not the outlaw) countered a low blow by wearing a STEEL cup (does any other metal exist in wrestling).  One pumphandle drop later, and oh, you should've known, Road Dogg didn't JOB to SOMEBODY!!!

Then, in the first main event of the evening, Billy Gunn took on Kenny "KenSham" Shamrock. The Sham was still reeling from a kendo stick beating on Heat (back when you could watch it on TV!), and Gunn went all Tito Ortiz on him, beating him until ref Thadius Long stopped the damn match.

"That match stoppage was bullsh-t! I could've gotten my ass whipped for at least three more minutes! I'm in my ZONE!!! Hide your ankles!!!"
-Ken Shamrock, from the weigh-in for Shamrock-Gunn 5: A New Beginning, 2006

In the semifinals, X-Pac took on best friend and bongbuddy Road Dogg. X-Pac showed his versatility, hitting his trademarked spin kicks and bronco buster, as well as the X-Factor for the 1-2-3, kid.

Kane fought Billy Gunn in a match than can only be described as "so good, fans dared not cheer or make any noise lest they miss a second of the great action". Somehow, namely via a chairshot from the Extreme Icon The Big Show, Gunn went all William Regal and pulled out the not quite big one.

"Oh, you uncouth tumbleberry. I ought to get the bobby on the tele and have him give you a browbeating at your flat, you blooming toerag!"
      -William Regal, from "The Keeping Up Appearances Reunion", BBC, 2000

The finals were set. X-Pac v. Billy Gunn. The winner, King of The Ring, a freight train to superstardom, or at least a guarantee you'll do SOMETHING that matters for a majority of the next year. In theory. X-Pac pulled out all the stops, hitting his trademarked spin kicks and bronco buster, as well as the X-Factor for the 1-2-just kicked out, kid. Somehow, namely X-Pac's small and stuff, Gunn weathered the storm and nailed the 2nd rope Fame Asser, or Super Ass Bomb (coincidentally the original name for "See No Evil") to garner that 3 count. Finally, the WWE had a King Ass, to reign alongside Vince McMahon, Lord Ass, and Viscera, Archduke Assula.

By winning the King of The Ring tournament, Billy had finally stepped out of the huge shadow of his brother, Brawl 4 All champion Bart Gunn. He would continue this roll, uh, facing the Rock at Summerslam in a Kiss My Ass match, which sounds stupid compared to today's standards, winning the all important Tag Team titles again, for real this time, and then ripping his arm out of socket in a match with the Dudleyz, probably due to excessive crotch chopping.

Ultimately, when all is said and done, of all the Kings of The Ring WWE has produced, Billy Gunn has to be, HAS TO BE, considered one of them.

Well, until Jakks releases Legends: The Fat Road Agents Series (grab your Steamboat while supplies last!), I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

And I'm an Ass Man! (Though a nice face really helps things along)