Couture's Championship Profiles: NWA Champion Rhino

Folks, it's the man who strikes fear into the heart of former European Champions everywhere, me, James E. Couture. Y'know fellas, and ladies (yeah, right), here at Profile HQ, we (the royal "we") are always looking for ways to MAKE HISTORY, since former WCW Champion Vince Russo proved as innovation goes, viewers follow. With that in mind, this week, we're breaking new ground and making it bleed like my last name was Flair. Yes, now is the time. Time to acknowledge the wrestling company that easily cracks the top 5 in wrestling programs each and every week. That's right, for the FIRST TIME, in history, just about half past ten, for the first time, I gonna profile a TNA reign, and men, it's gonna be a doozy.

When TNA "went mainstream" and debuted on Spike TV, they pushed themselves as the new face of professional wrestling, based on athleticism, competition, and a product more than just rehashed WWE. One man symbolized those ideals more than any man on the roster. That man was AJ Styles. But screw him. We all know people from Georgia can't draw.

"Dammit, I knew I should've stayed Canadian!"
-Atlanta's own Chris Benoit, from "A Tres Joyeaux Sylvan Grenier Noel", that French station you never watch, 2004

Anyway, after Jeff Jarrett won his 34th NWA Title by dethroning longtime TNA kingpin and former Quebecers manager Raven, he was on a collision course, for some reason, with Scott Hall's life coach, Kevin Nash. Nash, though, was hospitalized the day before Bound For Glory 2005, reportedly due to chest pains caused by tearing his pectorial muscles while eating a bowl of cereal.

"Hey now, that's just not true. I just had too many pancake and gravy sandwiches."
-Kevin Nash, from "TNA's Bound For Gravy Country Cookbook", 2006

And so, a new challenger was needed. What proceeded was one of the most memorable battle royals to take place in TNA that month, as legendary combatants like Lance Hoyt and Kip James, bitch, duked it out for #1 contendership. Ultimately though, they would fall to the wayside in the wake of the War Machine, Rhyno.

Rhyno had burst onto the scene in ECW Classic and garnered noteriety for goring women and for his massive thighs and short, stubby arms, much akin to a real rhino. After moving on up to the WWE, he impressed fans with his vast array of moves, such as the Gore, the "Shades of Arn Anderson" Spinebuster, uh, a body scissors, and the Gore again. Unfortunately, the Rhyno Dynasty, or "Rhynasty" was cut short when he violated the WWE's strict Vase Wellness Program.

"Yes, his conduct was extremely unprofessional. Lowering your pants and parading your naked ass around in front of 18,000 people is entertaining, but arguing in public? And compromising the safety of nearby breakables? No, no, I gotta be a man, I can't let that slide."
-Vince McMahon, Cosby Mysteries DVD Featurette "Cos' CAW's", 2006

After entering TNA as a house of fire, this title shot was his first opportunity to grab the brass ring, or gold belt. Probably the belt. Anyway, he grabbed all right, and in one of Rhyno's top 3 matches that night, defeated Jeff Jarrett. We had a new NWA Champion.

Thus began the latest chapter in the Rhynasty. He fought valiantly against Jeff Jarrett and America's Most Wanted (the tag team, not criminals) for 11 days, on TV, but at TNA's pimetime 2 hour spectacular, the Rhynasty proved to be no match for The Jarrettol Era, and, after an unprecedented guitar shot, Double J was NWA Champion for the 56th time.

Of course, that was just the beginning for Rhyno, as he would go on to compete in...matches over the course of the next year. Oh, and because of the taping schedule, his title reign was actually only two days long, the shortest ever, if you count only people that actually wanted the belt (the Shane Douglas Hypothesis). Loser.

Well, until SmackDown runs out of crusty old European wrestlers to add to the roster (where are you, Les Thornton?), I am in fact, James E. Couture.

GORE!!!!!!