"Well, that was before he met me, but I had been keeping an eye on him, what with the omniscience, and I was impressed by how much he had taken to heart Job 4:17, "Yea, whenst an enemy grappler casts stones upon thee, punish thine with a match, lest his pockets go empty."
                           -God, from his interview on The Colbert Report, 2005

And so began the 1999 Royal Rumble.  Austin fought McMahon, beat him soundly, and yet opted not to eliminate him.  After a timely distraction by Golga, McMahon slipped out of the ring.  Austin gave pursuit into a women's restroom, only to be ambushed by the combined weak offenses of the Corporate Team.  After a while, the shot "cut out", then "came back" with Austin laid out from a (non-existent) beatdown.  Some called it Test's best work.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, uh, in the ring, the fans thrilled to the exploits of quite possibly the greatest assemblage of talent ever, with high "profile" champions, past and present, such as the aforementioned Test, Shamrock, Mark Henry, the 1-2-6Pac-Kid, Dan "The Beast" Severn, and Mabel, sadly in his last match ever before being replaced by his devil worshipping man raping philandering twin brother, Viscera.  Other great talent in the Rumble included Billy Gunn, the Big Bossman, Chyna, Val Venis, D'Lo Brown, and Steve Blackman.  They punched, they kicked, they threw people over the top. It was truly a classic Rumble.  And the action was non stop too, except for the times it did stop, leaving Droz, Road Dogg, Kane, and Ken Shamrock alone in the ring at various times, with nothing to do.  Kane, in particular, decided chasing indy workers, uh, "white coats" from "The" asylum (cuz there's only one, y'know) was more important than winning the Rumble, although the question of why they didn't try to get him BEFORE THE EVENT STARTED is only important to me, I guess.

But where were McMahon and Austin.  Well, Steve had been taken to a "local medical facility", and McMahon disappeared to find a shirt before joining Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on commentary.  Some called it the best commentary ever provided by a current Royal Rumble entrant.  Then, as Mabel was being abducted, Stone Cold commondeered an ambulance, though he did not drive to the ring to spray the whole lot with medical waste.  Austin ran through the competition before we arrived at the final four: D-Lo Brown, The Big Bossman, McMahon, and Austin. It was pretty obvious D-Lo was going to WrestleMania.

"Oh, you better recognize that main event was mine, punk! 'Cause I'm real, deal, D-Lo Brown, realest deal in the whole damn town, could pin Bundy-comma-King Kong, and bludgeon the Junkyard Dog!"
                -D'Lo Brown, from "The Godfather Part IV: Kama's Revenge" , 2000



But alas, neither Brown nor Bossman could get the $100,000 bounty for eliminating Stone Cold.  I didn't mention that? But that's what made the whole thing work. Despite everyone being out to get him, Stone Cold managed to persevere while only missing 30 minutes of the match.  Stone Cold stood alone, and McMahon, drenched in ice water thrown on him in an "indignant" act by Stone Cold, was set to pay the piper. (Insert Roddy Piper reference here).  After some timely distraction by new champion The Rock, McMahon threw Stone Cold over the top.  Finally, after literally dozens of seconds in the ring, Vince McMahon had gone through heck and won the Royal Rumble. Of course, this would set the precedent of vastly underqualified people entering number two and winning the Royal Rumble, paving the way for Rey Mexterio. Vince celebrated in the ring with his Corporate Team, including son Shane.

"Off the ropes! Comin' off the ropes!  OH, IT CONNECTED! Hmm, I wonder why he's going outside?"
    -Shane McMahon, interview conducted via WWF Attitude, from Akklaim, 1999

So began the era of Mr. McMahon "playing wrestling". And yet somehow, he's always seemed about 600 times as credible as David Arquette.  I don't what it is. Could it be an actual connection to wrestling? No, Vince Russo had that. His impeccable committment to putting on quality matches? Nah.  I know, I know, it was his hilariously "juiced" chest that makes most of the wrestlers look scrawny.  There's just so many great things about Vince McMahon I sometimes forget some.

Well, until TNA hires Pete Gas to team with Petey Williams as a rough and tumble tag team known as the Black Eyed Petes, I am, in fact, James E.
Couture....

Future Rumble Alternate for Rob Conway.