Couture's Championship Profiles: WWE Tag Champions John Heidenreich and Animal

Couture's Championship Profiles: WWE Tag Champions John Heidenreich and Animal

Folks, sometimes, some title reigns slip through the cracks, but me, dude, I come through, picking up the slack; there's no reign too big or small, if you want wackiness just call: me, J-J-J-James E. Couture, Championship Profiler.* It's been a pretty rough week, with the time to myself clocking in at several minutes, so I just don't have the energy to MAKE HISTORY this week. I can almost guarantee some HISTORY next week, almost. That being said, this week I've gone with the easy laugh, wrestling championship history's version of a fart joke, Road Warrior Animal and Heidenreich!

After being deemed unfit to play football for the New Orleans Disengenuous Sympathies---er, Saints, Heidenreich entered the WWE in 2003, and left several weeks later. After impressing talent scouts again in 2004 with his size, height, and bodily dimensions, he was thrust back onto the center stage in a feud with the Undertaker.

"Yeah, he reminded me a whole bunch of the Undertaker: tall, professional wrestler, had a face, the works!"
-Expert wrestling analyst Steve Romero, from "Late Late Night with Steve Romero", WWE 24/7, 2005

After that mess resolved itself with an entirely precedented casket match, "Big John" was at an impasse. Somehow, the combination of kidnapping and assaulting Michael Cole, combined with poorly read, worsely written poetry (iambic pentameter it lacked) had garnered him the support of this capacity crowd. After falling short against the great Orlando Jordan in an "Instant Classic", though, Heidenreich realized he was still missing something, besides ability, of course.

After being deemed unfit to be the mystery member of the Magnificent Seven in WCW, Road Warrior Animal returned to the WWE in 2005 to shill both the memory of Road Warrior Hawk and the new DVD about them in true LOD form. Then, for some reason, MNM to decided to insult the memory of the Late Great Road Warrior Hawk, saying slanderous things like that he used drugs (true) and molested Rocco (not as true).

"I gotta say, even a grizzled veteran like me could learn a thing or two from these young guys, especially when it comes to cutting promos on dead guys. Check this one out: George Washington was a wooden toothed bastard, and now he's.......in HELL!"
-Randy Orton, from "Abdullah The Butcher: An Oh! Oxygen Biography", 2006

Using the long standing "Revenge-for-insulting-my-dead-partner-so-I'll-just-get-some-other-guy-to-be-my-partner-even-though-I-haven't-competed-on-TV-in-years" precedent, Animal and Heidenreich secured themselves a title shot at the Great American Bash. In a match called by some as "okay", and "more aptly named the Bland American Bash", Animal's gut and Heidenreich's 4 move arsenal were too much for the young upstarts. Finally, after traveling up and down the roads for days, Animalenreich could hold that sweet, sweet tag title gold up high. After the match, Animal gave a shout out to his dead partner, LGRWH, in a scripted moment that brought tears even to the stoic Michael Cole's eyes.

"I can't wait for Shane Douglas to die so me and the Freakin' Deacon can win some gold as the New Dynamic Dudes!"
-Johnny "Ace" Lauerientieatias, article on modifications to the dress code, "Assless Chaps Back In", WWE.com, 2005

So began this legendary title reign. For 93 days, LOD2K5 fended off challenges from MNM, various jobbers, then MNM again. Unfortunately for the fans of Animal and Heidenreich, dubbed by some as "idiots", MNM took back the tag titles, despite Heidenreich rocking both the face paint AND some shoulder pads. Puke he was not. After they lost the titles, Heidenreich was released so he could pursue his dream of bringing jazz back to New Orleans, and Animal floated around for a while before he retired...or maybe he didn't, really don't care. Once again though, the internet rumor mill, known for their impeccable record for accuracy (Spirit Squad to be broken up immediately!) is reporting that Heidenreich could be given a third chance, as "Third" Heidenreich, the first ever babyface Nazi (second if you like Lethal Weapon or Braveheart).

Well, until UFC finally relents and recognizes Tank Abbot as the first ever Over-Weight Champion, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

Hei-den, Heidenreich! (pump arm)

*(inspired by Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers Theme Song)