Couture's Championship Profiles: WWE Tag Champions Charlie Haas and Rico

Folks, there's only a few more weeks until Christmas, so you still have time to buy me that pack of irregular tube socks at the dollar store, cuz it's me, James E. Couture. Hey, speaking of "irregular", the "mismatch" tag team is a tried and true wrestling cliche. Whether it's Kane and X-Pac or Kane and The Hurricane, two guys who just don't match up seem to make great tag teams, at least in the short run. One such occasion is the tag team of Rico and Charlie Haas. We're pulling this week's Profile from the "Wait, that actually happened" folder and examining their illustriouls WWE (the SmackDown! one) Tag Team title reign!

The year was 2004. We were all enjoying Chappelle's Show and wondering how he could top it next season. More immediately, however, we were wondering how the first ever "Draft Lottery" would shake up the(WWE) wrestling world. The shifts were seismic. Top stars like Rhyno and Tajiri were sent to Raw, while SmackDown! recieved Rob Van Dam and Booker T. But, perhaps more important than the guys picked at random were the guys traded immediately after. SmackDown! mortgaged their future, sending future WrestleMania main event viewers A-Train and Chuck Palumbo to Raw, and in exchange got present mega-stars Rico and Miss Jackie. After being booed for being kind of effeminate, Rico earned the crowd's love by being a flaming homosexual androgynous face painter. Wait, did I say "flaming homosexual androgynous face painter?" I meant "bizarre". Sorry, I forgot the wrestling code. Let's see, "bizarre"=gay, "Cruiserweight Title"=fancy way to keep up pants. Got it. SmackDown! fans were wondering what Rico's first move would be.

Charlie Haas was as straight laced as a joint lined with PCP. Well, the "laced" part, not the "straight" part. Either way, after losing his interracial life partner, his "Carl", if you will, Shelton Benjamin to Raw in the Draft, Charlie set out to cut a niche for himself as a bland colorless heel. Unfortunately, he didn't have that "Jarrett magic" (running the company) and so he flopped like a live action sitcom on Fox. What was Chaz-nuts Haas to do?

After arriving on the show that Cole built, Rico actually began courting Chuck Haas. Charlie was none too pleased, and so the two settled their problems the old fashioned way...by forming a tag team. Also, because this was their first time teaming up, they immediately received a Tag Team Title shot. The current champs, Rikishi and Scotty Too Hotty, were rolling after sending Faarooq packing by retaining the Tag Titles over the APA.

"Damn!"
-Ron "Faarooq" Simmons, "How Raw Stole My Joke", James Couture, 2006

On April 22, 2004, a historical match took place between Scotty Too Hotty & Rikishi and Charlie Haas & Rico, later to be dubbed "Nameless Team Bowl '04" I call it historical because it marked the beginning of the perception that Charlie Haas ONLY works in tag team situations, a status he enjoys today as the Steve Urkel to Viscera's Carl Winslow. This match also marked the end of matches involving Scotty Too Hotty that meant anything to anyone.

"Hey now, I beat Jimmy Wang Yang's twin brother Akio to get into the 2005 Royal Rumble, and I almost actually entered the ring!"
-Scotty Too Hotty, "Greatest Wrestling Stars of Early to Mid 2000" DVD, WWE, 2006

Indeed, Rico and Charlie managed to win the match and titles (what are the odds!) and the team I like to call "Chirico Haasantino" began their wacky odd couple reign. They beat the Bashams. They beat Paul London and Billy Kidman. Heck, they even defied the odds and somehow managed to pick up a win over double tough veterans Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn a.k.a. Team Last-Cool-in-99. This reign lasted 55 days, roughly equivalent to a nine year reign in 1953, adjusted for inflation. Then, the team nobody expected to last, or exist, hit the wall known as the Dudley Boyz. When Rico and Haas stepped into the ring with the 325 time World Tag Team Champions, they made like a junkie with the shakes trying to light up and dropped the match, and thusly, the titles, to Buh Buh and D-Von.

Despite their losing effort, Rico and Charlie Haas would actually team together again after a brief split, but that would end after Rico was released to cut down the facepaint budget. Eventually, Charlie Haas, the co-dependent loser that he is, would latch onto another guy who doesn't mind "tagging out" in life, Hardcore Holly, and form a team so bland, it makes joking about it boring. Oh well, SOMEBODY needed to wrestle two cruiserweights paired up on Velocity.

Well, until Stone Cold returns to Raw to give a stunner to the Chanukah Zombie, I am in fact, James E. Couture

Hey, maybe one day Charlie Haas and Rob Conway will team up. Now that's money!