Folks, it’s living proof you don’t need popularity to be popular, me, James E. Couture. Now, since Triple H’s quadriceps blew up faster than Randy Orton’s last date (crotch chop now), and since I’ve read my fair share of “get well soon” gushing in and around the IWC (Wait, the smarks’ griping is…a work? What? Only in wrestling) , I’ve decided to do a tribute to the first title reign of the greatest team in wrestling history. The Four Horsemen? No. The now? Almost. The Secret Defenders? Now you’re just not trying. No, the group of which I speak is D-Generation X (crotch chop), and the reign Shawn Michaels as Urine-Peeing (three rapid crotch chops) [European] Champion!

In 1997, a storm was brewing. The war between Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart was straddling the line of storyline and reality like Sunny was straddling Bret circa 1997 (big crotch chop). Comments had flown back and forth, with Shawn Michaels, in my opinion, playing the Rosie O’Donnell role (dumb immature mocking a staple of the Michaels repertoire). In addition, the Heartbreak Kid inadvertently cost the Undertaker the WWE Title by “accidentally” (wink) hitting him with a chair meant for Bret. It was truly a tumultuous time.

“Shawn Michaels cost me the World Championship, so I comforted myself by eating my favorite candy, REES….ES…..PIECE!…es”
   -Undertaker,  “Michaels: ‘I Blew It’, How ‘Taker Got Screwed” (four small crotch chops), Death Valley Deathvallian, 1998

But, like so many conflicts, the real victim was an innocent bystander. The British Bulldog, David Boysano Smith, was the reigning European Champion during this conflict. As many of you know, the European Championship was originally intended to be defended only in Europe, but the WWE realized that would result in roughly 1-2 televised defenses per year, and Bulldog wasn’t even a cruiserweight. Thusly, it became the championship Bulldog defended against guys with not much else to do.

“You got that right.”
-Goldust, “Dustin Runnells: I’m Not Eminem’s Fat Older Cousin, So Stop Asking For His Autograph!”, WWE 24/7, 2005

At WWE One Night Only (replays available all week long) in Birmingham, England, according to the box (small crotch chop), “The pride of Manchester, England comes home to defend his honor and his European Championship against a brash American looking for a ‘Grand Slam’”. Sadly, Shawn would find that Denny’s in England are few and far between. So, instead, Bulldog partied like it was 1992 and main-evented a Pay Per View in front of a largely partisan crowd, in a Championship match that would otherwise be hard pressed to main event Raw. This time, however, there would be no triumphant victory for the ‘Dog. Indeed, while Shawn locked Smith in the Figure 4 Leg Lock, the ref, without a submission by Bulldog, rang the f’n bell. Shawn Michaels had won a dubious decision by referee stoppage in front of a hostile international crowd over their hero. Perhaps it would have been better to call it “WWE In Your House: The Practice”.

And so, HBK reigned supreme as European Champion, defending it against UFC Hall of Famer, and KFC Honorary Colonel, Ken Shamrock, and possibly others. Luckily, he still had enough time to make snarkastic remarks about how coveted the title was, as all the best champions belittle the title they’re holding. It was as European Champion that the first Grand Slam Champion made it all the Grand Slammier by winning the WWE Title in precedented fashion from Bret Hart (remember how he beat Bulldog). Michaels managed to beat off all of the Canadians that meant him harm (huge crotch chop). Confident he now had a title people gave a rats ass about, Shawn gave his European Championship to Hunter Hearst Helmsley via a bogus title match Kevin Nash called, “a good idea”. It was a veritable “golden shower” for the duo (leaping 1-2-Syxx-PacKid crotch chop).

In all seriousness, I do hope Triple H returns for a nice heel run somewhere down the line, since I’ve missed the real “Game” since he’s been away chopping crotch. However, one can’t overlook how wide open the main event of WrestleMania has become, something I find downright exciting.

Well, until WWE.com produces a new original flash cartoon based on the doomed plans for world conquest of Bret Hart and Matt Stryker, tentatively named “Pinky and The Brain”, I am in fact, James E. Couture.

And though you hate to see me go, you know I’ll be coming next week! (Billy Gunn air hump)