Folks, I am the terror that flaps in the night, I am the bread crumbs on the butter stick of evil, I am James E. Couture. Since I’m getting all geared up tonight to watch some AWA World Championship action featuring the King of Old School, Steve Corino, I don’t really have time to be creative, so I present to you some classic-format Championship Profile, it’s D-Lo Brown, European Champion.

Let me take you back to a wondrous time in wrestling, 1998. The Monday Night Wars were hitting a fever pitch, and one of the reasons was The Rock. His bombastic dissing and elbow drop captivated the country, like Dusty Rhodes, but without the fat (so nothing like Dusty Rhodes). But part of the reasons the Rock seemed important was the fact that he was the leader of the Nation. Originally the Nation of Domination, Rock changed the fetish-store name after usurping the group from Ron “Faarooq” Simmons and manager extraordinaire Clarence Mason.

“That proclamation was a degradation of the real Nation of Domination. Now, I must do some meditation during my urination and flatulation.” -Clarence Mason, BET’s “Why Borack Obama Makes Bryant Gumble Look Like Malcolm X” Special, 2006

Among Rock’s troupe were the Godfather, with villainous black vest, World’s Hungriest Man Mark Henry, and D-Lo Brown, whose “You better recognize!” catchphrase and bobblehead leg drop reminded some of Hulk Hogan. During the summer of 1998, the Nation entered into a feud with D-Generation X, who donned some black face to mock the Nation, because that’s not grossly offensive at all. During said feud, Triple H held the European title, a title long associated with DX. Even though he was scheduled to defend the strap in a title-for-title 2-out-of-3 falls match at Fully Loaded, the powers that be decided Trips needed to defend the gold against D-Lo, using the “patsies for bigger feuds get title shots while the important guy does commentary” ruling of 1988. Indeed, thanks to a Rock Bottom, or uranage to you internet nerds, or “orange” to guys who don’t know what I’m talking about, D-Lo was champion of Lithuania.

But he of the chest protector would protect his title like it was a torn pectoral muscle. At the aforementioned Fully Loaded PPV, the stakes were non-existent as D-Lo fended off X-Pac in a non-title hyphenation match, then defended against Val Venis at SummerSlam in a match that won PWI’s coveted “Most Likely to Be on Heat in a Year” match (other winners include Big Bossman v Mideon at St. Valentines Day Massacre). But, like life itself, D-Lo’s run as European Champion was ashes to ashes, crotch chop to crotch chop, as he lost the gold to a man he ironically beat when the title wasn’t on the line, X-Pac. Though I’ve never seen the match, I’m guessing X-Pac’s offense was a spin kick, a different kind of spin kick, a bronco buster, and an X-factor. Just guessing.

Hey, it’s time for Jakked-ing Off!

It’s the first part of our multipart series, Great Moments in Jobber History!

Kai en tai v. Jason Lee and Danny Holiday

Jobber Facts: Jason Lee looks like and/or possibly is a skinny Danny Basham, and Danny Holiday looks like Daniel Puder, and probably had just as long of a WWE career.

Starting off, arm wringer by Holiday, Taka reverses, but Danny rolls through, sweeps the legs, standoff. Danny scores a drop toehold, rolls through into a headlock, Taka just kind of gets up, arm wringer again by DH, jobber #1 whips Taka, Michinoku reverse, but Dan counters with a tilt a whirl, nails a shoulder block, Taka’s up, attempts the hiptoss, Danny reverses with a backslide, 1-2-oh, so close. Danny smashes Michinoclue’s head off the buckle, takes time to flex his lack of a bicep, giving Taka time to reverse a whip out of the corner, goes for a monkey flip, Danny reverses and places Michi up on the top rope, nails the top rope Frankensteiner, or Supercanrana. He takes more time to taunt though, probably trying to fill his momentum meter, and allows Taka to kick out of a pin. Tag in the corner to the long lost Basham, but Taka surprises him by taking him right into Funaki’s knee, tag to the ‘Naki, who rakes the eyes, but runs into a shoulder block. Jason Lee (the jobber, not “My Name Is” Earl) misses a back elbow, but rocks Fu Manchu with a clothesline. Lee nails the big time vertical suplex, tags in Holiday, Fu reverses a whip, Taka buries the knee, allowing Funaki to nail a clothesline, or, more accurately, a running punch to the throat. Tag to Taka, double whip, drop toehold by Taka, camel clutch by F’naki, and Taka nails the dropkick to the face. Another double whip (Gorilla Monsoon Note: “Get’em outta there, ref!”), but Holiday avoids a charging Taka, but Fuanki grabs him, just in time to lose control as Taka charges, leading to a miscommunication, schoolboy on Taka, and we almost have the jobber upset of a lifetime. One double clothesline and double tag later, we have Shoichi v Jason. Mini-Danny Basham cleans house, power bombing Taka and powerslamming Funaki. Tag to Holiday, who nails the Spinning Fisherman’s Suplex, aka the Holiday Clearance Event, but misses the Holidaysault. Tag to Taka, who nails a missle dropkick and the Taka Chauffeur, aka the Michinoku Driver, 1-2-3! Kai en tai wins! Kai en tai wins!

Rating: 5/10- Solid outing, with the jobbers getting in a ridiculous amount of quality offense. However, with neary a wrestling hold applied, this felt less like a wrestling match and more like they were just taking turns doing moves to each other, like kids on their trampoline in the backyard.

Well, until the first ever Monopoly Money in a Piggy Bank midget stepladder match, featuring the debut of “Little Khali”, whose just Daivari with a wig, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.