(JG Note: This column marks James Couture's debut as a regular World Wrestling Insanity columnist. James has been doing his championship profiles in our "Other Columns" section for the last few weeks and was posting them on The Insanity Forums before that. James will also be taking over Heat reviews from Kevin Peel - who's now handling TNA's Impact shows. We're very happy to have Jim on board. You can check out his Championship Profiles right here on WorldWrestlingInsanity.com every Thursday. So, without further ado, whoomp...here it is...)
Folks, some call me "The", some call me "Slim", some call me "Fake", but you can just call me Jim, cuz it's me, James E. Couture. Y'know, with rusty pipes in Alaska setting up a price spike in gasoline (in the U.S. at least), I'll do my best to try and bring you back to a time when gas flowed freely and life was good: 1994.
With rap music having entered mainstream pop culture roughly ten years prior, in 1994 Vince McMahon decided to get with the times. In much the way The Rockers represented the spirit of Poison, Warrant, and Damn Yankees with hard livin', spandex and fringe jumpsuits, and outrageous amounts of hair spray, WWE Creative realized they needed a young athletic tag team to be The Rockers of the New Generation(tm), with a new style of music. After an attempt to team Marty Jannetty and Koko B. Ware as The Rappers failed (for obvious reasons), WWE found the next most athletic tag team they could find: two big fat black guys with a combined weight of approximately 800 pounds.
"Yeah, I was real glad when -------- and -------- decided to -------- my -------- after I had --------ed and --------- Maury Povich."
-Marty Jannetty, Personal Letter (This letter was censored by the Haugland County, AK, Department of Corrections), 1999
Indeed, the 500 pound Mabel (his name derived from his tendency to order extra food at restraunts: "Mayb'll have a rack of lamb, but just one.") and Mo (from his proclivity to order "Mo' mashed potatoes" with every meal)teamed up with some guy named Oscar (probably grouchy) as Men On a Mission, or MOM, because everyone loves Mom. (Aww)
"They were a big inspiration, for me to rap loudly, and wrestle too, and I'm about to get rowdy!"
-Ron "The Truth-Kwik" Killings, from his new album, "The Jobbing", TNA Records
This tag team ripped off their awesome catchphrase/name of finisher, ironically enough, from the rappers Tag Team, and one of their MANY hits,
"Whoomp, there it is!". Using the "Whoomp", a piggyback splash, MOM climbed the tag team ranks (when that meant beating more than one team), facing The Quebecers at WrestleMania 10.
"Je finit ce deux idiotes en le huit minutes."
-Jacques Rougeau, "From The Mountie to Due South: Fake Mounties in the Media", 2000
After several minutes of "action", The Quebecers got themselves counted out. Fans cried foul. Surely if not for the no-finish, this would have surpassed the Michaels-Ramon Ladder Match as Match of the Night, and possibly the Year. Men On a Mission and their several dozen fans worldwide wanted a rematch. They got it, nine days later in London, England. Using their cunning and fatness, MOM pulled one out and became champions. Finally, some could make the claim that, in terms of championships, Mo was better than Jake Roberts, Jimmy Snuka, and Paul Orndorff combined. Unfortunately, The Quebecers regained the titles two days later. Of course, that raises an interesting philosophical note, as The Quebecers often do: if a title switches from one person to another and back, and no one can watch it on TV, does anybody care that it happened?
Well, until The Ultimate Warrior wins the Ring of Honor Championship in 34 seconds, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.
Whoomp!
