By "John Laurinaitis" WWE Head of Talent

What a crazy couple of years it has been for me. I've taken quite a lot of heat for some rather unpopular decisions during my tenure as head of WWE talent relations. Oh, you like you couldn't have possibly signed the wrong one legged guy. But I've also introduced some of wrestling's biggest superstars. Who could forget Mordecai? Or John Heidenreich? Or the Gymini? Or that new guy I had to sign after Vince saw The Longest Yard. I could go on and on, but we'd be here all day. The end result is this, when push comes to shove, I know how to deliver results. The last two WrestleMania’s were held under my watch and have been - without a doubt - the biggest events in the history of the company and possibly the wrestling industry itself.

Speaking of positive results, I'm also proud of my investment portfolio. With a base salary of $350,000 and cashing out on thousands of stock options, I have a lot of cash that needs to be protected, lest I end up out of the business and penniless like many of the WWE talent I've had to let go over the last couple years. Or even worse, like my brother, Road Warrior Animal. As a student of finance, I always have my ears open to potential opportunities and recently I came across what we in the industry call a can't miss prospect!

It all started in Phoenix, Arizona last year when I was recruiting TNA talent while at Eddie Guerrero's funeral. Don't give me that look. Do you realize how hard it is to get such an amazing pool of wrestlers in one place at the same time? It could have been six to eight weeks before another wrestler died and I got this type of chance! I had to strike while the iron is hot and I offer no apologies.

Anyway, while I was mourning, I happened to overhear Vickie Guerrero was going to be in financial straits thanks to Eddie's passing. This is exactly the type of situation I was referring to earlier. Action needed to be taken, and quick! Who knew if the McMahons were going to go soft and give the Guerrero family a piece of the revenue pie WWE has earned while callously marketing Eddie's death? I couldn't afford to take that chance considering this was a $600,000 home and I just wouldn't feel right leaving it in the hands of people who couldn't possibly understand its true value in the rapidly rising luxury home market.

Don't look at me like a monster, I'm not going to put Vickie Guerrero and her daughters out on the street. This home is big enough to require a small staff to run it, something Mexicans are uniquely skilled at. Someone has to cook the meals, clean the pool, mow the lawn, and  perform various other household duties and nothing would make me more proud than to offer these menial, low paying jobs to any member of the Guerrero family. Yes, even Chavo Guererro Sr.,as long as he promises to stay out of my liquor cabinet. After all, we have to take care of our own.