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Justin Henry's 40 Questions For Dixie Carter
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May 9, 2010 - 6:29 AM

So TNA’s moving back to Thursday nights, after two months of being picked apart and dominated by the relative Gossamer known as WWE.

I can’t say I’m all too surprised, since TNA really jumped the gun. They thought they had a chance at this stage? Really? REALLY?

Look, I’m pulling for TNA to at least create a competitive atmosphere between them and WWE, because then the fans win. But TNA has to be competitive first, which hasn’t happened. It’s become a laughingstock, a source of endless mirth and mockery by a lot of fans who aren’t willing to catch what TNA is throwing.

Since Dixie Carter is apparently internet-savvy, and since she seems like a nice person who’s willing to deal with criticism and hard questions, I’ve compiled this list that I would honestly love to hear her answers to. Some of them are going to sound insulting, but I mean them with the utmost honesty. Because since TNA has been so jaw-droppingly short sighted on so many things, I think it’s time to get answers.

So without further ado, here are forty questions for TNA’s reigning queen.

1. After acquiring Jeff Hardy in 2004, Team 3D and Christian in 2005, Kurt Angle in 2006, Booker T in 2007, Mick Foley in 2008, Hulk Hogan in 2009, and Ric Flair, Rob Van Dam, and Mr. Anderson in 2010, and watching as the ratings haven’t moved at all, has it yet occurred to you that the secret to building interest in a company is not big names, but rather a compelling product?

2. Have you ever checked the trade papers for people who have marketing degrees? You’d be amazed at how valuable these people can be….

3. When the other Dixie Carter, the one from Designing Women, recently passed, was it a nice change of pace to get sympathetic phone calls and letters, as opposed to the usual “I hope you die for letting Christopher Daniels go” barraging?

4. Would you wager your life on Rob Terry passing a blood test for HGH? Or at least a million dollars? Because I’d take that bet. I could use a million dollars.

5. Is your faith in music producer Dale Oliver so deep that you would listen to an iPod filled with nothing except for his crummy rip-offs of contemporary songs for the rest of your life?

6. Following up the previous question, is Rob Van Dam’s generic theme really the best you can give him? Has it occurred to you that there are plenty of starving, unknown hard rock bands that would take a measly $2000 to put together a really catchy, riff-centric theme for him? Imagine, a theme so catchy that fans would spend day and night on the internet looking for a complete version of it! WWE fans can’t rest until they find complete versions of THEIR themes, so why not spend more time honing TNA’s music?

7. How long have Sean Waltman and Raven been embroiled in this “Who can have the most separate TNA stints” contest?

8. Have you taken time to read Eric Bischoff’s autobiography “Controversy Creates Cash”? If so, do you notice the staggering amount of times Bischoff was unable to even remember the names of people he worked with? Do you suppose this is because he’s lying through these anecdotes and is trying to avoid leaving a paper trail? Was THAT enough of a red flag for you?

9. Have you actually SEEN John Cena perform? Following that up, do you honestly consider him and Abyss equals when it comes to booking, presentation, and usage?

10. I understand there’s a writer on TNA’s staff named “Matt Conway”, and that he’s been with TNA for quite some time. However, very little is known about this man. Can we have some confirmation that this is a real person? Because honestly, I’m starting to believe that “Matt Conway” is a pseudonym for “moldy Pee-Wee Herman doll that Vince Russo pulls the string of for writing ideas”.

11. Do you smile proudly when you see ODB perform?

12. Would you like to borrow some of my WWE DVDs from 2000-2001? Because you’d be amazed to see Brother Ray do little things like “try”, “give a damn”, and “look relatively svelte”.

13. Working off of the previous two questions, do ODB and Brother Ray get their sports bras from the same place?

14. I know that you would like to be the “anti-WWE” when it comes to some of WWE’s more annoying practices, especially in the case of having somebody on headset to tell the commentators what to say. However, given that Taz has the attention span of a dung beetle, and laughs when he’s supposed to convey gravitas, can you at least have someone standing behind him with a cattle prod when he’s shirking the duties that he’s paid to perform?

15. If I told you that I was a former WWE wrestler that was released from his contract 88 days ago, would you be excitedly and breathlessly calling me at 12:01 AM two days from now?

16. Do you have a fetish for people with bug-eyes who try to put themselves over when they’re supposed to be peripheral performers? Because I’m trying to comprehend Jeremy Borash’s continued employment.

17. Speaking of bad ring announcers, does David Penzer have a phobia of scales? Because in the fifteen years I’ve seen him ring announce, I don’t believe he’s ever announced anyone’s weight.

18. Did it ever occur to you just why, exactly, WWE would let a prime talent like Jeff Hardy go? I mean, even once?

19. Will you ever announce the terms and conditions of TNA’s drug testing policy? With Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, Brian Kendrick, and others running around, I’m curious as to what it all entails of.

20. When WWE released Braden Walker in 2008, did you invite him in for a job interview, and then, upon meeting him, exclaim, “Wow, you look just like Wildcat Chris Harris!”?

21. You once had one of your producers tell TNA’s audience that they’re “cast members” and are supposed to cheer or boo who they’re told to cheer or boo. So, since they’re “cast members”, do you plan on paying them? Will the fans get SAG cards? Will they be credited as extras on IMDb’s website? These things keep me awake, they really do.

22. Just how many times during production meetings has Hulk Hogan uttered some variance of “You know, if you wanna hire Brutus Beefcake, I can give you his home phone number”? I’m setting the over/under at 12.5 times.

23. If I were an employer who had to mediate an issue between two of my workers, and I had to fire one of them, which one do I cut: a pompous radio personality who makes abrasive remarks about suffering natives of an earthquake-stricken nation, or a respected female employee who puts him in his place regarding his brazen insensitivity?

24. Following THAT question up, if I knew that firing the woman was going to drive wedges into the collective morale of my workforce, especially those who have been loyal for years, whereas firing the radio guy was only going to upset a fifty-six year old has-been who’s only out for himself, I…uhh….I fire the woman, right?

25. What’s the magic number of times that Homicide’s allowed to rip the company publicly and on Twitter before he’s dealt with?

26. Who had final say over Sheik Abdul Bashir’s original theme song? You know, the one that had the sounds of the planes crashing? Also, isn’t TNA the company that shows compassion for America and its troops in tasteful fashion? I’m confused.

27. Given that you run your promotion out of Universal Studios, that you have obnoxiously-loud announcers, and have enough gimmick matches for pointless titles and accolades, do you ever get the impression that TNA resembles a really bad Nickelodeon game show? (This negative image can be salvaged by hiring Olmec from “Legends of the Hidden Temple” and having him commentate solo, I think.)

28. Have you actually seen the "Abyss created a Dangerous Pit" video on YouTube? Wasn't it hilarious?

29. Sometimes, really late at night, when you’re laying in bed, unable to sleep, do you stare at the ceiling fan while the nagging voice in the cockles of your heart wells up, enough to float up your vocal chords, with the magical sentence finally coming out of your mouth: “I don’t think Vince Russo is the answer.”?

30. Is there a sign hanging outside your office that reads “Number of Shows in a Row Without a Production Gaffe”, and how many times have you had to change it from “1” to “0”, while sighing painfully?

31. Samoa Joe being kidnapped by ninjas: great TV or AWESOME TV? C’mon, defend your product.

32. It's one thing to employ Ric Flair, but do you realize that it upsets long time fans to see him used and abused week after week after he got a saintly send-off in WWE in 2008? I mean, personally, I hate Flair , but still, a lot of your fanbase seems to respect his career, which is fine. So, yeah, do you think letting Hogan piss on him is really a bright idea in terms of winning over fans?

33. Have you, even once, feared for Kurt Angle’s life? If not, then do you even watch the shows?

34. I can’t remember; was 2005 the year that TNA said it was going to focus more on its X Division, or was it 2006?

35. Remember the days of the weekly PPV’s when storylines progressed week to week, the roster was made up mostly of hungry unknowns, and the product didn’t resemble WWE lite? What changed?

36. If you have enough money to have signed Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Jeff Hardy in the same time period, couldn't you have splurged SOME of that windfall on buying AJ Styles a personality? Or do you enjoy his unique brand of "screaming monotone" promos?

37. Do you plan to hire Mickie James after her ninety days are up? Because if you fire her, some nutjob will threaten to blow up TNA Headquarters, and since terrorism incidents garner attention, people would actually pay attention to your company and not see it as an afterthought.

38. When Jeff Jarrett cuts a promo, does he remind you of some rambling combination of Joe Dirt and Jimmy Stewart? Also, when Jeff Jarrett picks out the casual clothes he’s going to wear on the broadcasts, do you ever have the urge to just say “It’s bad enough that your boring heel run from 2003-2006 was a blight on TNA, but I will not allow you to walk out there dressed like someone’s out of touch aunt”?

39. When are you going to wake up and realize that in the wrestling business, you need to be a prick? I’m talking about ruling over the locker room with more authority, showcasing an iron fist? If someone’s bad news, let them go to WWE. If WWE won’t deal with them, then let them languish in the indies. TNA has to be a team. Everyone has to understand the mission statement, and commiserate maybe not as friends, but as colleagues. You guys have to want to win. Anyone not about TNA, throw them the Hell out. Work together. Develop chemistry. Encourage each other to put forth new ideas. Don’t rely on what worked 10-15 years ago, because it’s not 10-15 years ago. It’s 2010, a modernized and more digital age. Whatever reeks of ancient, get rid of it. Whoever’s not a team player, dump them. Create a new image. You have the talent on the roster and opportunity to do something special. The question is, are you willing to do it the smart way?

40. Hiring Bubba the Love Sponge. My only question is…..why?!?