Other Promotions
Justin Henry's Dinner with Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Matt Striker
By Justin Henry
May 2, 2010 - 8:10 AM

(At a posh, exclusive restaurant in lower Manhattan, a waiter shows four men to their seats at a round, corner table. They are World Wrestling Insanity writer Justin Henry, Monday Night Raw announcers Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler, and Friday Night Smackdown’s color analyst Matt Striker. We begin with our tale as the four men are settled.)

Cole: You are eating at the longest running five-star eatery in history, ladies and gentlemen.

Striker: Gentlemen, the pleasant pungency of this bustling bistro is enough to dredge out the savory senses of one’s cerebrum, and make one’s pallet pine for pleasure!

Cole: ….that it does.

Lawler (aghast at having to speak): But you know….uh….the food might not um, be that….good?

Striker: Jerry, I selected this smorgasbord for its culinary curiosities and dining diligence!

Lawler (still hardened): Well, you have to figure that you….um, could be….wrong.

Henry: Guys, listen. I asked you here for dinner tonight to discuss your commentary endeavors.

Striker (frightened): I’ve been callously canned?!?

Henry: No, not THAT kind of endeavored. I’m referring to the way in which you three men commentate on pay per views as a trio. This past week, I had to sit back and listen to you three bungle your way through Extreme Rules, and then I was put through three more hours of Hell the following night during the Raw Draft special.

Cole: Did you know…..that Raw drew more male viewers on Monday night than Oxygen and Home and Garden TV combined?

Henry: ……

Cole: Wait, I didn’t do it right. Can somebody hum Raw’s theme song while I restate that fact?

Lawler: You mean “We’re All Together Now”?

Cole: That was 1999, King.

Striker: Actually, “We’re All Together Now” was briefly used in 1997 before giving way to “Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson. “We’re All Together Now” can be found as the leadoff track on the WWE Music CD “Full Metal”, released in 1996. Michael, do you do any research at all?

Lawler: Yeah well…who does umm, your research….uh…Carol Burnett?

(Cole laughs so hard that he spits water into his lap)

Henry: This is what I mean. None of you are on the same page. One is outdated and uncool, one is an ill-informed puppet, and the other sounds like a laid off English teacher who’s desperately seeking acceptance. It doesn’t sound like a commentary TEAM at all.

Lawler: Yeah, well, the only team you’d be any good on is, uh….the….ummm….

Henry: The A-Team?

Lawler: Yeah, you should be on the A-Team.

(Cole almost falls out of his chair from laughing so hard)

Cole: He really zinged you THERE, Justin!

(A waiter comes out with his notepad, prepared to take the orders of the four patrons)

Waiter: Hello, my name is Craig, I’ll be your server tonight. I just want to let you know that our specials tonight are a seared ahi tuna with tempura vegetables and apple fried rice, which is $34.99. We also have mussels and linguine; the mussels are Prince Edward Island mussels, and they are served with a spicy marinara sauce, and that’s $32.99. Can I start you off with an appetizer?

Cole: Nah, we’re WWE employees. We ignore the “appetizers” completely.

Lawler: Yeah, even if we DID order appetizers, we’d just be talking about how great the main course is while eating said appetizers.

Waiter: Oh, um, in that case, are you gentl—

Striker: The ambient atmosphere lends credence to the quaint quality of this establishment!

(Awkward silence)

Henry: What does that even mean?

Striker: Sorry, if I haven’t talked for ninety seconds, I’m lawfully required to remind the people that I’m still here. I have four sisters, gentlemen, and I’m used to having to fight for a word edgewise.

Waiter (undaunted): Anywho, are you guys ready to order your entrees?

Cole: Well, since you pushed the seared ahi tuna so hard onto me with that hard sell, I’ll have that please.

Lawler: I trust Michael’s judgment since he pays more attention than me, so I’ll have that as well.

Striker: Gentlemen, the malevolent musk of garlic potatoes musters my moniker from the kitchen! I will have the New York strip steak with said garlic potatoes!

Henry (kinda sheepishly): I’ll have the seafood fra diablo over fettuccine, please.

(The waiter ambles off, leaving the four men to resume their conversation)

Henry: So anyway, I was just saying that I think three men with your level of experience could certainly produce a better output on commentary than what the fans are hearing.

Cole: Really, and who says that?

Henry: Geez, just look around the internet a bit and—

Cole: The internet?!? HA HA HA!

(Cole continues laughing and nearly has a seizure that could power a small boat. Lawler and Striker ease slowly out of their chairs, in case one of them has to perform CPR on the over-laughing Cole.)

Cole: The internet is full of NERDS. Only a nerd would cheer somebody that doesn’t get any hype, and boo somebody who DOES get hype and coverage! If this kind of independent thought ruled the world, why, wrestling would be stuck in the dark ages of 1986 when someone like Diesel as champion!

Henry: Diesel wasn’t—

Striker (springing into action, excitedly cutting Justin off): Diesel, while an imposing figure, a “Leather-Clad Leviathan”, as it were, was World Champion for a period of one year, and, although he was a terrible draw as you intimated, Michael, his period of putridness was actually stretched over from 1994 to 1995.

Cole: ….must you always correct me? I don’t need you to make me look dumb.

Striker: Sorry, Michael, but my intellectual integrity knows no bounds!

Lawler: Matt, you’re about as interesting as uh…..after-school specials on ABC.

(Awkward silence)

Cole: King, even I thought that was lame.

Henry: Jerry, the problem is that it’s clear you make zero effort. First of all, it’s bad enough that Cole and Striker go to the trouble of putting on suits for their job while you show up in jeans and some hideous random print t-shirt, but then you do it as the restaurant also?

Lawler: I’m not sure where you’re going with this....

Henry: I’m saying that you’re unprofessional. At least Michael and Matt buy into the product and attempt to immerse themselves in it, but you can’t even tell me THREE storylines that are on Smackdown right now. And that’s because if you’re not directly involved, you don’t care.

Lawler: Sorry, but I’m busy on Fridays! I have to keep things going down in Memphis with my fifteen year old….

(Lawler coughs, while everyone else’s ears prick up)

Lawler: ….feud with Brickhouse Brown.

Henry: Well, at least make the effort to study pop culture in 2010 a bit more. Even Jim Ross, who’s about your age, is adroit when it comes to MMA, movies, TV, politics, etc.

Lawler: What are you talking about? I AM working on it! Look, I even got an iPhone!

(Lawler pulls out an iPhone, to the amazement of his colleagues)

Striker: Jerry Lawler, once a Paleolithic peon, is now a Titan of Technology!

Henry: Well, that’s definitely progress there, Jerry.

Lawler: I told you! See, check out my ringtone! It’ll sound familiar!

(Lawler activates the ringtone, which is “The Time is Now” by John Cena. Suddenly, Michael Cole stiffens upright in his chair and stares straight ahead robotically)

Cole: You are watching the longest running episodic weekly television show in history! You are watching the longest running episodic weekly television show in history! You are watching—

Henry and Striker: TURN IT OFF!

(Lawler slides his iPhone shut, and Cole snaps back to reality)

Cole: Wha—er---where AM I?

Henry: You’re having dinner with us, we’re in Manhattan.

Cole: Oh, right.

Henry: Michael, you have talent. You proved it on Smackdown when you were paired with both Tazz and JBL that you’re capable of being witty, as well as informative. At your best, you came off as a prepared journalist who volleyed points for Tazz and JBL, two veterans, to expound upon. But now, on Raw, with an out-of-touch and uninterested Lawler, your game has diminished.

Cole: Well, what can I do? I have Vince McMahon screaming in my ear about what points to make, and I can’t focus on using my natural instincts.

Henry: Perhaps you should buck the system a bit. You know, make your own points and get over the product in your own, unique way. Marv Albert and Pat Summerall are two of the best sportscasters that have ever lived. Do you think they had to follow a script?

Cole: No….

Henry: No, because they let their emotions tell the story. Take a chance. Displease Vince. At worst, you’d get fired, but Hell, you’re a credible journalist. Your resume speaks for itself, covering the War in Bosnia, as well as the tragedies in Waco and Oklahoma City. You’d find work in this media savvy world.

Lawler: Yeah, that worthless Jonathan Coachman did….

Striker: You know, that’s just like you to demonstrate denial toward a man who worked hard as a journalist, Jerry. His vivid voice and stellar storytelling have made him a Sporting Speaker, Jerry!

Henry: And Matt? The constant alliteration?

Striker: I know, I know, just trying to balance Michael and Jerry’s dry banter….

Henry: Good, work on that.

(The waiter arrives with the food and places the plates in front of each man. The waiter then grabs Lawler’s crown and begins to walk off with it.)

Lawler: Uh, pardon me, where are you going?

Waiter: I’ve been told about how stingy you are with payoffs and tips, so I’m taking this to the bathroom with me. Want me to bring it back when I’m done?

Lawler: …..no, that’s fine, just keep it.

(Cole, Striker, and Henry bust out laughing at Lawler’s expense. Lawler turns to Cole.)

Lawler: What’s with you, I’ve never heard you laugh like that.

Cole (through the laughter): BECAUSE IT’S GENUINE!

Striker: That’s right, Michael, ever the merry mister, the modern day Red Skelton, whose genuine mirth serves as---

Henry: *ahem*

Striker: Oh, right! Sorry.

(The four men chow down as the scene draws to a close.)

Justin Henry is a freelance writer who enjoys putting his thoughts and opinions into text. His love of professional wrestling, as well as enjoyment of writing, has led to the creation of the Cynical Examination, his personal writing haven. Justin can be found on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Cynical-Examination/257452252539?ref=ts), Twitter (http://twitter.com/cynnerjrh), his website portfolio (http://cynex.webs.com/apps/links/), or he can be e-mailed at cynnerjrh@gmail.com