Worth Your Money? JCW's "Legends & Icons" Featuring Terry Funk vs. Roddy Piper For The First Time Ever, The Outsiders vs. The New Age Outlaws, A Legends Battle Royal, And More
By James Bullock Aug 27, 2011 - 10:37 AM
Similar to Mike Johns getting out of his comfort zone (which isn't too comfortable when watching TNA every week) to review some EVOLVE and CHIKARA, "World Wrestling Insanity's Resident ROHbot" is here with a look at Juggalo Championship Wrestling's latest iPPV, "Legends And Icons". As the show's name suggests, The Insane Clown Posse have gathered some of the biggest names in wrestling history for its annual "Gathering of the Juggalos" event.
For the first time ever in a one-on-one environment, Terry Funk and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper will clash in an I Quit match. That's not the only first time encounter here. After years of speculation, we'll finally find out what team was greater: The Outsiders or The New Age Outlaws. Also, two of wrestling's most legendary rivalries possibly comes to an end in the form of a Steel Cage match between Tito Santana and Greg Valentine, and a tag team battle involving The Rock N' Roll Express and The Midnight Express.
Who will make the other say, "I quit"? How will some of wrestling's classic rivalries conclude? What revolutionary team is really the greatest? Will I go insane before it's all said and done? All of these questions pale in comparison to this one: Is JCW's "Legends And Icons" Worth Your Money?
"Legends And Icons"
Inside of a steel cage surrounding the ring was Kevin Gill to give us a quick rundown about the main event between Terry Funk and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (both names garnering something close to boos - which we'll find out later what the crowd is really saying). To everyone's surprise, Mick Foley was introduced as Gill's fellow commentator; garnering some "Whoop whoop's" from the crowd. I'll just get this out of the way right now - the fans' need to "whoop whoop" instead of booing or cheering is already confusing. It's not as bad as "What" during promos, but close enough.
In the back stood a clean dressed, wrestling journalist hall of famer (if there were such a thing) Bill Apter to interview former WWF Intercontinental champion Tito Santana to talk about the upcoming cage match with Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. Santana still hasn't forgotten about how Valentine injured him and desecrated the I.C. belt all those years ago. Payback happens in front of the Juggalos.
Cage Match: Tito Santana vs. Greg Valentine
During Valentine's very slow entrance, Foley called "The Hammer", "A warm and cuddly guy." The way Valentine looks, I actually believe Mick. The way to win this one is by pin fall only.
Valentine unleashed a sick kick to Tito's knee. Sadly, I don't think Greg was aiming for that part of Santana's body. Both men traded attempts at throwing their opponent into the cage, but Santana and Valentine stopped the other. Using a right hand, Tito was able to slam Valentine into the steel mesh, cutting "The Hammer's" forehead some two minutes into this one. Somehow, Valentine fought back, almost locking in the figure four. A big bump from Valentine like an elderly person breaking their hip when Santana kicked his way out of the submission attempt. Tito cornered Valentine for some punches, only for "The Hammer" to trip and cradle Santana. Throwing his legs across the ropes, Valentine pinned Tito.
Afterwards, Tito smashed Greg's award trophy similar to what "The Hammer" did to Santana's I.C. title all those years ago.
We have some special guests in the audience including the Hulk Hogan look-a-like seen at such events as "Wrestlemania 7-9" and "Bash at the Beach 1994", and a kid who might be Pedro from "Napoleon Dynamite".
At the announce table, Mick Foley and Kevin Gill passed the time by sucking up to each while talking about some of card; including Bob Backlund's match against…. Well, they didn't say because we shoot to the back with The Headbangers and Bill Apter.
The Headbangers were so busy playing with Bill Apter's hair they didn't decide who's going to win the Battle Royal between them.
During the ring girl's walk through to show off her "Match 2" sign, someone threw some kind of liquid at her. She didn't miss a step because of the potential virgin for life's actions.
Battle Royal: "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka vs. Vicera vs. Brutus Beefcake vs. Disco Inferno vs. Rob Conway vs. Rakishi vs. Ronnie Garvin vs. Jim Duggan vs. U-Gene vs. Headbanger Mosh vs. Headbanger Thrasher vs. Tony Atlas vs. Carlito vs. Zach Gowen vs. Doink The Clown
Actually, this was more of a Royal Rumble than a regular battle royal as entries happen every minute instead of everyone being in the ring at the same time. Eliminations occur when someone is thrown over the top rope, and both feet touch the floor. Dear God, don't let someone die from the fall.
Duggan and Mosh kicked this one off with a collar & elbow tie up followed by some stalling and confusion. The next entrant was Ronnie Garvin - spelled "Garven" for some reason - in his street clothes. "Hands of Stone" tried to eliminate Mosh with the help of Duggan, but the mixture of Ronnie Garvin's body giving out and Thrasher being the next entrant saved Mosh. Foley noted that Garvin is more of a penny pincher than Foley himself! Don't say you never learned something from a Juggalo. Out next was a definitive icon and legend in Carlito. Yes, that Carlito. Garvin pulled a fast one on Mosh by not taking a kick to the stomach, catching Mosh's incoming foot before kicking him square in the nuts. That has to the baddest thing I've seen in quite some tiem outside of Youtube.
Carlito got double teamed by The Headbangers as "Hacksaw" dumped "Hands Of Stone" over the top for the first elimination.
Duggan found himself lost in the ring's center until he heard the music of the one, the only, the barely mobile Jimmy Snuka. WWE's Tamina should have great fear that her body will look like her father's in a few years. And don't think I'm exaggerating.
Poor Mosh fell for another trick as he, Thrasher and Duggan honored Snuka by giving him a standing ovation before Duggan unceremoniously pitched Mosh over the top for "Hacksaw's" second elimination. The next participant was none other than "Mr. USA" Tony Atlas. Atlas' basketball jersey read, "Orl ndo 1" How he the "a" vanished when all the other letters look perfectly fine is beyond me. A big clothesline from Atlas took down Thrasher to Duggan's approval following Gill's belief that, "…black don't crack." Trust me, if you've been around as many African Americans as I have, you'd know that that statement varies greatly.
Out next came a spandexed "Big Daddy V" Vicera (yes, that's how they spelled "viscera"). Thankfully, V's outfit isn't as bad as the one he wore during his WWECW run. V easily fought everyone off prior to eliminating the 1988 Royal Rumble winner, Duggan.
Sweet heavens to Murgatroyd, out next was Rob Conway! We have a pose down between an entering Conway and an exiting Atlas - who got eliminated off camera. On his way to the back, Atlas stopped by the announce table to say this is the greatest wrestling show on earth! Really, Tony? Does anyone else believe that? Rick James, what about you?
Absolutely nothing noteworthy happened until the next entrant, Zach Gowen, walked out … into a clothesline from Conway on the floor! For some sick reason, Conway took Zach's prosthetic leg. In a lapse of judgment to defend Zach's honor, Carlito pulled a Mil Mascaras at the 1997 Royal Rumble by diving over the top rope to take down Conway; thus eliminating himself.
As a referee ushered Carlito from ringside, Doink The Clown walked down the ramp looking like he just came off a five-day bender. Add that to the fact Doink doesn't have his fake hair cap, so he just dyed his actual hair green makes him one of the saddest sights on this show thus far (and that's saying something). While Doink ambled his way down the aisle while flipping people off (evil Doink lives!), Gowen back dropped Snuka over the top. Poor "Superfly" took a hard bump on the concrete butt first, but seemed to be okay.
Gowen didn't even have a chance to celebrate when Conway kicked his leg from behind. Gill informed us that Conway attack Zach's good leg. Wait, what?
In a great show of athleticism, Doink made a jump for Vicera's back, but barely got his feet off the mat. Out next was U-Gene, a.k.a. Eugene. According to Kevin Gill, U and Zach had a falling out at the last JCW show where Gene, and I quote, "crossed into the dark side of retarded." Yes, he did just say that.
Jimmy Snuka took Foley's headset to call Gowen a genius for wrestling with one leg. Snuka took his leave as Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake strutted down the aisle. Doink The Clown admitted that he raked Vicera's eyes because he wanted to, and could kick a whole slew of booty. The ramblings of a crazy man couldn't be better represented than through Doink.
Disco Inferno entered the "arena" next, making Foley correct Gill about Inferno being "great". At least Mick understands the difference between legends and Disco Infernos. When Disco entered the ring, Gowen kicked U-Gene out of the ring. I guess U-Gene's crossing into the shower-side of retarded now. "The Booty Daddy's" night ended quickly when Vicera pitched him to the floor. Right after Beefcake's elimination, Rakishi - spelled "Rikishi" on his waistband even though WWE copyright issues don't allow him to use that name - exited the back as the final entrant. Rakishi came in throwing punches and super kicks after coming face to face with Vicera. Disco was one of the recipients of a Rakishi super kick; putting Inferno in position for a stink face.
When the disgusting action concluded, Vicera grabbed his fellow big man, shoving him over the top for another elimination. The fans weren't pleased whatsoever about Rakishi's elimination. They were so busy being angry they didn't even notice Vicera also sending Disco and Conway over the top.
The final two were Vicera and Zach Gowen. Sadly, Gowen ran into a sit-out tree choke slam. Vicera waited for Gowen to get up with the help of the ropes before rushing him. Zach ducked, yanking the top rope down with him. Instead of tumbling over the top rope, Vicera got hung on the top rope. Instead of improvising, Gowen and Vicera redid the spot … only for it to fail again! It took another try before Gowen finally pulled the top rope low enough for Vicera to fall over the top rope like a sack of … well, I think you get the picture. Zach Gowen is your winner of the Legends & Icons battle royal Royal Rumble.
For his win, Gowen also earned a plaque and a chance to be interviewed by and suck up to Mick Foley.
Just an intermission note – I need to make a gif of Mick Foley fist pumping. You thought him dancing as Dude Love was awesome, wait until you see him do his best Mike "The Situation" impression.
We shoot to the back to find Bill Apter with his parents. Oh, my bad; it's The Rock N' Roll Express. Okay, that was wrong. I know I just angered a slew of old school fans with that comment. In an actual "coherent" promo, Ricky Morton says their feud with The Midnight Express is, "A blast from the past. Like fine wine, it never gets older with time." Wait, what?
The Rock N' Roll Express vs. The Midnight Express
The Midnight Express is in original form with Bobby Eaton and Dennis Condrey tonight, and they have their gigolo entrance theme.
The action is hot and heavy as everyone was throwing punches. Double dropkick by The R N' Rollers put Condrey down for the three count.
Yep, that possibly ends one of the greatest tag team rivalries in wrestling history - all in half a minute.
Bill Apter was in the back with none other than Terry Funk. Terry Funk informed us that his father taught him that if you breed two idiot horses, you get a idiot kid. According to Funk, Piper is the spawn of two idiots, with his mother being a whore. Funk followed up by insulting Piper's classic movie, "They Live", and blaming Piper for sabotaging Funk's movie career by telling producers everywhere how much Terry sucks. Well, you know what Piper? You're a faker! Yes, Funk called Piper a faker. I think the, "Your mom is a whore" comment is a tad bit worse than, "You're a faker." I was just waiting for the "You're a Big Fat Phony" guy from "Family Guy" to show up.
Sabu vs. Raven vs. Shane Douglas vs. Rhino vs. 2 Cold Scorpio vs. Balls Mahoney vs. Al Snow
I don't know what's going on in his life, but Mahoney looks absolutely horrible. What, no Shane Double promo full of F-bombs? I thought this show was hardcore?
Douglas, Sabu, and Snow started by doing the triple side headlock that led to an exchange of cradles between Douglas and Snow as Sabu grabbed a table; propping it in the corner. Double springboard back elbow by Sabu put down Snow and Douglas. Rhino ran in, only to get dropped by the aerial assault of Sabu and 2 Cold Scorpio's legs. As Rhino fought back, Mahoney used those Balls punches to stun Rhino and down Scorpio. Stopping the Gore, Balls executed the Nutcracker Suite. Before Balls could go for the pin, Scorpio super kicked him in position for a 450 Splash gone awry due to Scorpio landing knee first across Balls' abdomen.
Somehow, Mahoney kicked out of Scorpio's follow up pin. Douglas ran back in, Belly to Belly suplexing Scorpio. Turning around, Douglas walked into Raven's Evenflow DDT. Raven rose to pose, only to get clobbered by Head. Sabu stopped Al Snow's assault with Head by tossing a chair at his head. Sabu lay Snow across the table he brought in earlier, looking to leg drop Snow through that table. Snow moved in time to save himself, sending Sabu through the table. Rhino slid in, Goring Snow prior to pinning him to win this hardcore six way.
Balls Mahoney and Mick Foley spent so much time talking about a famous moment in WWECW history involving Vince McMahon's lack of balls in Madison Square Garden that the cameras didn't pick up Rhino Goring 2 Cold Scorpio on the ramp. Remember, Vince's balls are more important than someone busting their head on a ramp.
Bob Backlund vs. Ken Pantera
As great as Backlund still looks is as fat as Pantera is. I'd hate to be a McDonalds' worker serving Pantera now - Ken might not break a window, he might eat you.
An honorable handshake between the two old rivals. Backlund used his agility and speed advantage to get around the much slower and fatter Pantera, doing the Backlund bounce following every successful avoidance. The test of strength brought Backlund to his knees, but the former WWF champion rolled through the knuckle lock. A vicious bear hug by Pantera almost made Backlund tap, as did the full nelson. Backlund turned his failed Crossface Chicken Wing counter into a cradle to pin Pantera.
In a great moment, Backlund put a fan in the Crossface Chicken Wing when he heard a few words he didn't like. I think he may dead.
The Great Memphis Challenge: Koko B. Ware vs. Austin Idol vs. Dutch Mantel vs. Brickhouse Brown vs. Doug Gilbert
Brickhouse Mutha Flippin' Brown! If anyone wants to know why I hold Brown in such high regard, check out his a preview of his Internet show:
I hope you learned something today, pimps and … ladies of the night. Koko had on a bird shaped hat instead of having an actual bird. I know I've written this already, but sweet heavens to Murgatroyd, does Austin Idol look terrible in his stripped red and black singlet. Add that to the fact he did a few poses and a sexy strip tease like some drunk in a bar hitting on the only single girl in the room made it even worse.
Sadly, there are no single girls in the ring, and Idol got hit by everyone while stuck on his knees. Wow, that did not sound right at all. Idol mounted a comeback, punching everyone until Koko and Mantel started assaulting him together. That partnership didn't last long as Koko got tossed to the floor while Mick admitted Brickhouse knows all about Foley's pre-martial sexual escapades.
I've heard one from Brickhouse himself. It involved a well-known ring rat, a newspaper, and a chair with Foley in it. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. Brown found himself being shoved into Gilbert by Idol so Idol could put Gilbert in the figure four leg lock. Using his whip, Mantel broke up the submission. Gilbert stopped Mantel's illegal action by shoving him into a recovering Idol's cradle. For some reason, Gilbert stood dumbfounded over Mantel falling into Idol's clutches when he pushed him, allowing Idol to pick up the three count.
Never the one to disappoint, or let the people down, Brown grabbed a microphone at the announce table to promise he was knocking someone out before the night's end. Austin Idol made his way to the table to announce his incredible attire will become a Nike trademark in four to six months.
Tommy Rich vs. Tracey Smothers w/His Illegitimate Daughter, Isabella
The shocking thing is that's not Isabella's gimmick. She's actually Smothers' illegitimate daughter whom he met just a few years ago.
Rich's "rapid fire" attacks like the mid-high knee lift ended when Isabella distracted Rich long enough for Smothers to pull a Greg Valentine by using the ropes to hold Rich down with a roll up.
Kevin Nash & Sean Waltman w/Scott Hall vs. The New Age Outlaws
As bad as a lot of these guys look, former ClubWWI guest Billy Gunn and, hopefully, future guest Waltman still look fantastic. But for all that's good, there's something horribly sad, and that's Scott Hall limping his way down the aisle before taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R to get in the ring to do his survey. The fans doing that "whoop whoop" thing confused Scott Hall during his survey, but it still worked out for the bad guys. Out of nowhere, Vampiro was announced as the special guest referee while Mick Foley talked about Stacy Keibler dating George Clooney. You the man, G.C.!
Nash and Road Dogg represented their teams, with Vinnie Vegas using those vintage knees and back elbows in the corner. The Real Double J recovered, using some shucking and jiving before tagging out. Nash did the same, causing DX to collide in the form of Billy Gunn and X-Pac. The 1-2-3 Kid felt the power of Mr. "Doesn't Need An Introduction" early, getting shoulder blocked off his feet. Waltman turned a flapjack against Gunn, dropkicking the Outlaw prior to hitting a spin kick on Billy. Dogg ran in to help his partner, but ended up taking a spin kick for his trouble. With both men position, Waltman unleashed the bronco buster on Dogg. Waltman turned around for a buster on Gunn, only for Billy Gunn to explode out of the corner with a clothesline.Road Dogg returned as the legal man, trying to put Pac to sleep. The Lightning Kid fought through the submission, but got taken down before feeling Brian James' shaky leg knee drop; not to be confused with the stanky leg drop that Rashad Evans unconsciously performed a few years ago. Taking his time, Vampiro made a slow count that allowed Waltman to kick out of Jesse James' follow up pin. Gunn came in, looking for a double clothesline with his fellow Outlaw. Kid ducked the clothesline, using a pair of his own. Super Shredder got the tag to a nice ovation.
Oz was on fire, knocking Dogg out of the way before choke slamming the Smoking Gunn. Thankfully for Rockabilly, that other guy from the Voodoo Kin Mafia stopped the sure pin while arguing with a fast counting Vampiro. Vampiro's rebuttal? A super kick to Armstrong's jaw. With Road Dogg out, Vampiro dragged Nash on top a still horizontal Gunn so he could count Gunn down for a JWO victory.
Removing his referee shirt, Vampiro revealed a JWO shirt, joining the former NWO founders.
Nash made his way to the announce booth, commenting on the bounciness of the ring killing Nash's knees. On his way to the back, Waltman stopped by the announce table to get some kind words from Foley about X-Pac deserving another run with the big boys after performing better than anyone thus far. I completely agree with Foley's sentiments.
I Quit Match: Terry Funk vs. Roddy Piper w/ "Cowboy" Bob Orton
Terry Funk repeated his promo from earlier, calling Piper an idiot due to his parents being idiots.
Piper took the microphone to tell Funk, "Your funked. Your father was funked. Your brother was funked. And I funked your mother!"
We get into a spitting contest before Piper took off his belt to whip Funk after getting some help from Orton. Funk found himself being choked against the ringside barricade while taking punches to the head and testicles. When the action returned inside, Funk started unleashing Texas jabs that set up the sleeper. Before Piper could pass out, Orton attacked Funk from behind with his cast-covered arm. Yes, he's still wearing the cast. This two on one situation angered Mick Foley enough for him to leave the announce table, taking the fight with a now bloody Funk against Piper and Orton.
Orton cut Foley off at the pass, but the distraction gave Funk the chance to fight back. With some stiff right hands, Piper and Orton regained the advantage. On the floor, Piper slammed Foley's head into the steel ring post. In the ring, Funk pulled Orton into a small package. Orton couldn't kick out, but Piper saved him from losing. Pulling Orton on top of Funk, Piper watched as Orton held Funk down for the three count.
The fans chanted, "Bulls***!" I honestly don't know if that's directed at the match's finish or the entire show. Mick grabbed the microphone to express his enjoyment of being here, and a want to come back next year. Terry Funk admitted he didn't want to fight Mick Foley, but would love to have Mick as his partner next time.
Funk moved to the announce table to admit he didn't like Piper for making sly remarks about Funk's acting ability due to jealously. Funk and Foley joked about their wrecked bodies before Foley and Gill called it a night. All of a sudden, Brickhouse Brown returned to embrace his old friend. Sweet, the show ended with a smiling Brickhouse Brown - who must've knocked someone out as promised.
Is It Worth Your Money: For starters, don't think for a second I'm holding these matches up to the standards of an average ROH event. If I did, we could call it a day right now. No, I came in with expectations of seeing some wrestling legends putting on…. Actually, I don't know what my expectations were for the in-ring action. I just know they were pretty low (I guess I did know…). Sadly, this show exceeded my hopes in a negative way.
Outside of Nash, Waltman, and The NAO doing the best they could do with six minutes, Valentine and Santana putting together an admirable effort, the Extremists popping the crowd by doing their finishers back to back, and Piper fighting like it was his last day on Earth in an I Quit match that unexpectedly turned into a short tag match where someone was pinned to end it, there's not much else to see for anyone who has fond memories of these certifiable legends … and Disco Inferno. And don't get me started on that excruciatingly long battle royal that had me praying for a fast forward option. I'm still a little angry Brickhouse Brown didn't get a chance to truly showcase his still incredible abilities.
I could rag on this show all day, but the fact is it's a nostalgia trip. That's what it was promoted as, and that's what it was. There was no good reason for anyone to think this show would've had any true classic contests. But I think it wouldn't be out of the question to give some of the guys who could still go more time than half a minute time instead of spending a least an hour of a two and a half hour broadcast focusing on the announcers (who were marvelous, by the way).
Unless you're someone into wrestling nostalgia to an extreme measure, have the attention span of a squirrel with ADD, are up in years and need something like watching people your age looking and walking worse than you to make yourself feel better about life, or a little bit of all three, there's no real reason to see this event.