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If you didn't know that TNA had a pay-per-view tonight, you aren't alone. If you knew, but didn't care in the slightest because of the tv product presented since January 4th, you're even more not-alone. All the same, your Empress of "Impact," your Girly Parts Jesus, your reason for reading about anything TNA here at World Wrestling Insanity, is here tonight for the long haul, and your company is much appreciated. Tonight, Tara defends the Knockouts title against Daffney. Will we see a Gothic Goddess title reign? Will it matter, as long as we just see more of Daffney period, and both ladies prove Hulk Hogan an even bigger fool after his proclamation that the Knockouts "can't work?" An Ultimate X match between Generation Me and the greatest tag team in the history of the universe, the Motor City Machine Guns, promises to tear down the house and determine the #1 Contenders to the Tag Team titles. A ladder match between Daniels, Kazarian, Amazing Red, and Brian Kendrick (that determines the #1 Contender to the X-Division title) will not be far behind in awesomeness. For those three reasons alone, find a comfy place and join me as I bring you real-time goodness from "Destination X!"
[Joker voice/] And here we...go!
We open with a video package focusing on "change is happening." Go where there is no path, and leave a trail. Recaps of what led to the matches, accompanied by poetry of Ralph Waldo Emerson. Nice.
Ladder Match (to determine #1 Contender to the X-Division title): Brian Kendrick vs. Amazing Red vs. Daniels vs. Kazarian Wow! Opening with this will certainly get the audience going. Nice! Why is Daniels wearing bondage gear? Kaz clotheslines Daniels to the floor. Red hits a twisting corkscrew plancha over the top rope onto both of them. Kendrick puts a ladder in the ring, but Kazarian cuts him off. Daniels climbs the ladder, but Red pulls him down. Red punches Daniels. Red dropkicks the ladder into Daniels. Red climbs the ladder, but Kendrick pulls him down. Kendrick kicks Red in the corner. Kendrick flips Kaz into the ring onto the ladder, then targets Daniels. Daniels drops Kendrick with an STO takedown, places the ladder around his own neck, and uses it as a weapon on Kendrick an dKaz. Red hits Daniels with a drop toe hold. Red and Kendrick go in the ring. Kendrick and Kaz go on the floor, and Kendrick balances a ladder on the railing and the ring apron. Kaz hits a gutbuster on Kendrick across the ladder. Daniels drops Kaz on the same ladder, then hits him with a split-legged moonsault onto the ladder. Nice! As Daniels stands on the ladder, Red hits him with a hurricanrana to the floor. Cool! The chants of "Holy shit!" begin, as well as the "This is awesome!" chants. Red and Kaz climb the ladder. Kendrick tries to stop them, but gets tossed down. Kaz goes for a Flux Capacitor on Red from the top of it, but Kendrick shoves the ladder over. Daniels goes after Kendrick, then throws Kaz face-first into the ladder. Kaz lands a slingshot legdrop onto Daniels onto the ladder. Chants of "Brian Kendrick!" BK brings a second ladder into the ring, but gets his arm crushed in it. Red dodges one ladder shot from Kaz, and kicks the ladder into Kaz. Daniels takes over and wedges a ladder into the corner. Daniels slams Red onto the ladder. Kaz and Daniels go. Kendrick hits them with a ladder from behind. Kaz and Kendrick go, and Kaz gets thrown onto the ladder. Kendrick kicks Daniels in the face. Kendrick sets up a ladder. Daniels stops his climb. Daniels is stopped by Kaz, who pulls him off and powerbombs Daniels onto another ladder. OUCH! Kaz climbs a ladder, but Kendrick cuts him off. Chants of "X-Division!" Kendrick throws Kaz face-first from the ladder. Red stops Kendrick's climb. Kendrick elevates Red to the floor. Kaz charges Kendrick in the corner, but Kendrick kicks him in th eface. Red tries to leap into the ring, but Kaz catches him in a STunner. Kendrick hits Sliced Bread #2 on Kaz. Daniels drops Kendrick with a DVD. Daniels tries to climb a ladder, while Red brings in another ladder. Side by side, Daniels and Red climb th eladders. Daniels drops Red with a uranagi and both men hit the floor. Kaz leaps onto the ladder from the top rope. Kaz suplexes Daniels to the floor from the top of the ladder. Red is pinned beneath the ladder. Kendrick is knocked to the floor. Kazarian grabs the clipboard and gets the win. Great match!!! Winner (and #1 Contender to the X-Division title): Kazarian
Mike Tenay and Taz welcome us and run down the rest of the card. Cue Ric Flair's music. He is wheeled out in a wheelchair by Chelsea, the lovely valet of one Desmond Wolfe. The jokes write themselves, don't they? Flair shouts that he is not a happy camper. *snort* Flair does not want to be WOOOOOed. Flair lists off all the physical traumas he has experienced in his life, but he has never been in a wheelchair. He came to TNA for action, and at the moment, he isn't getting any action. Hulk Hogan and Abyss are to blame, and tonight, they'll pay. Some random babble yelling at a kid, "Ask your mother!" He orders Chelsea to take him backstage. To the back! Hulk Hogan talks to Abyss. Don't be afraid to use the ring, you have the power of all the Abyss-maniacs! This is embarrassing. Eric Bischoff enters, sporting a baseball cap over his shaved head. HH and Bischoff quibble over leaving personal issues out of business, but shake hands and act cool with each other. Tara vs. Daffney (Knockouts Championship title match): Daffney enters first, and OMG, is she stunning! I can't decide if I want to be her or have my way with her. Or both. Same with Tara, really. Anyway. Tara outpowers Daffney and tries to brawl with her. Daffney drops Tara face-down into the corner, climbs to the top rope, and lands a series of double foot stomps to the back. OW!!! Daffney scores a two-count. Stiff punches are exchanged. Daffney charges Tara, but Tara catches her in the Tarantuala. Tara breaks the hold at 4 1/2. Daffney uses the hair of Tara to snapmare her over. Two-count for Daffney. Daffney sits on Tara's forearms, then pulls her legs up into a modified Figure Four. Tara is totally neutralized at first, but fights back with elbows. Tara lands two roundhouse kicks. Daffney catches the third, but Tara counters with an enziguri. Tara plants Daffney with a slam, but only gets a two-count. Daffney throws Tara over in bridging Northern Lights suplex for a two-count. Tara kicks Daffney and hits her with a spinning slam, but Daffers kicks out at two. Daffney gets a two-count on Tara, then tosses her to the floor. Tara is thrown into the railing, then rolled back into the ring. Daffney grabs the title belt and tries to hit Tara with it. Tara dodges and grabs Daffney in the Widow's Peak. Tara covers Daffney for the win. Post-match, Tara looks around in concern. Daffney has spider-napped Poison! Daffney laughs and teases eating Poison. Winner (and STILL Knockouts Champion): Tara To the back! Brutus Magnus is now simply Magnus. He only needs one name to beat all of the one-trick ponies in this company. He brought Rob Terry into TNA to do his bidding, get him coffee, wash his boots, and so on. Then Terry had to go and win himself a belt. Like Dr. Frankenstein, Magnus must now destroy what he has created, but unlike the venerable doctor, Magnus will stand tall at the end. Excellent promo from Magnus! Rob Terry vs. Magnus (Global Championship match): Terry hits the ring in full "roid rage" mode, and outpowers Magnus at every turn. Terry plants Magnus and beats him in under a minute. Winner (and STILL Global Champion): Rob Terry To the back! Christy Hemme interviews the Motor City Machine Guns. The future Mr. Bulloch says that Generation Me are children trying to compete on a man's level. The line about "dry-humping your Spongebob Squarepants blanket" was gold! Alex Shelley says that the MCMG have been in TNA longer than Gen Me has owned their Hardy Boyz Starter Kits, and that nothing and no one will get in their way of achieving their destiny of winning tag team gold.
The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Generation Me (Ultimate X Match to determine #1 Contenders to the Tag Team titles): This match is why I spent money on this ppv, so I'm sitting back and enjoying it. Mike Tenay says that Chris Sabin has two singles wins in Ultimate X matches. WRONG! High-octane pinball action, with Gen Me getting the upper hand. Shelley wraps Max's hair around the post and pulls it. Massive double-teaming from both sides, and Shelley immobilizes both Max and Jeremy while Sabin climbs the ropes. HUGE chants of "Motor City!" Ok, this is just going too fast to call. Jeremy climbs the ropes, but Sabin cuts him off. Later, Jeremy gets double-teamed in the corner by the Guns. Max lands a dual dropkick from the top rope. Jeremy lands a huge twisting moonsault over the tope rope onto the Guns on the floor. Max climbs to the ropes. Sabin misses a springboard to bring him down. Jeremy faceplants Sabin from the top rope. Chants of "X-Division!" No review that you read anywhere will do this match justice. Jeremy inches across while Max fends off the Guns. Sabin uses Max as a springboard to spear Jeremy down. Shelley is down on the floor, the other three are down in the ring. Max goes to the top rope, Sabin tries to bring him down, but gets planted instead. Shelley climbs on Sabin's shoulders and takes down Max. I missed about a dozen moves typing this. Max and Shelley climb the ropes, followed by Jeremy and Sabin. All four guys hit the mat. Gen Me deals out some stiff kicks. Running powerbomb on Shelley into Jeremy's knees. Belly-to-belly suplex from Shelley throws Max into Jeremy. A "More Bang for your Buck" is missed, but the "Made in Detroit" hits. Sabin and Jeremy battle for the X. Jeremy is knocked down and CHRIS SABIN TAKES DOWN THE X!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, sweet mother of Christ, the MCMG win! They're the #1 Contenders to the Tag Team titles!!! It's about damn time! There is a Wrestling God! This match was nine levels of awesome, and you just have to see it. See it! Winners (and #1 Contenders to the Tag Team titles): Motor City Machine Guns To the back! Jeremy Borash interviews Hall and Waltman. Hall speaks the truth in ways he doesn't even understand when he says, "You know who cares? Nobody!" Scott Hall & Sean Waltman vs. Kevin Nash & Eric Young (TNA contracts for Hall and Waltman are on the line): The Band enters to no music, but do the same schtick of taking a survey that they did way back when. Jeebus, Scott Hall looks bad! Loud chants of "Eric Young!" Young and Waltman go, and the action isn't bad. Young knocks Hall off the apron with a punch. Hall tags in and works over Young's left arm and shoulder. Hall takes a very long time to throw Young over with a fallaway slam, and only gets a two-count. Waltman tags back in, and Young back body drops him to the mat. They fight to the floor, and Young throws Waltman crotch-first into the ringpost. Hall is on hand to take a shot at Young, however. The Band double-teams Young in the ring, and now it's Hall and Young. Hall traps Young in a sleeper rear choke. Young fights out and applies the same hold on Hall. Hall fights out. Young tags Nash, but the referee didn't see it and won't allow the change. Waltman sprays Young in the face with green spray paint found beneath the ring. Nash tags in. Nash powerbombs Young and rolls him out of the ring so that he can make a proper tag. The Wolfpac mocks Young, and Hall needs help to get Young up for a Razor's Edge. Pathetic. Hall and Waltman pin Young at the same time, and Nash enters the ring with them. Just like the NWO days, the three of them spray Young with paint, this time outlining his body like a crime scene. The actual Wolfpac music starts to play, and the three celebrate. This was crap. Winners (and now official big money contract holders in TNA): Scott Hall and Sean Waltman To the back! JB starts to interview Kurt Angle. Angle says that he has a problem with people who hold mics in their hands, and with all due respect to JB, he wants to do this one solo. In complete silence, Angle holds up his honor tag, covered in his own blood. He holds up a picture of Mr. Anderson, and sets it on fire. Very softly, he says, "Oh, it's real. It's damn real." Nice! Doug Williams vs. Shannon Moore (X-Division title match): I like Moore's entrance music. Tenay and Taz talk up Bischoff as a huge supporter of the WCW Cruiserweights, and by extension, of the X-Division in TNA. Really? Ok. Eric Young's outline is still on the mat, which is weird. Taz points this out. Pretty even action at first, with Williams using power and technical prowess and Moore relying on speed and agility. Moore lands a top rope hurricanrana, but Williams kicks out at two. Williams ducks a leaping move by Moore, and Moore gets caught up on the ropes. Williams takes over, and wears Moore down with a headlock and knees to the face. A high knee drops Moore, but Williams only scores a two-count. Williams continues to ground Moore and outpower him. Gutwrench suplex from Williams. Moore blocks an attempt at the Chaos Theory suplexes. Stiff knees from Williams. Punches and elbows follow. Williams chokes Moore in the corner. Moore fights back with right hands. Moore drops Williams with a bulldog, followed by a leg lariat and a drop kick. Duelling chants. Baseball slide dropkick from Moore. Williams leans on the railing. Moore climbs to the top rope and lands a moonsault to the floor on Williams. Williams goes under the ring just long enough to grab something. Moore has to be held off by the referee, which allows Williams to clock Moore in the head with a brick. A frigging brick! Moore is busted open. Williams gets the win. Post-match, Williams cuts a blistering promo denouncing Moore and all the others like him as jumped-up acrobats and clowns who call themselves wrestlers. They belong in the circus. They represent everything that Williams despises about the X-Division. Williams is the epitome of what an X-Division wrestler should be, with technical prowess and actual wrestling ability. Williams doesn't like Moore's make-up, and actually grabs a fan's purse. He covers Moore's face in lipstick, and gloats over it. Winner (and STILL X-Division Champion): Doug Williams Beer Money vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez (Tag Team title match): The champs enter to Morgan's music, but the body language is hostile. Morgan and Roode start. Actually, no, they don't. Morgan tags in Hernandez and makes him start. Hernandez drives Roode into a corner, but Roode kicks him in the gut. Hernandez catches Roode, but Roode fights out before a powerbomb can happen. Lots of rope-running and dodging, but Roode drops Hernandez. Morgan tags in. Roode looks to tag, but Storm drops to the floor and chugs his beer. Morgan plays the "THIS is how it's done" attitude. Morgan tags in Hernandez, and orders him to take out Roode. Storm tags in during all this, and Beer Money double-teams Hernandez while Morgan talks to the fans. Hernandez holds Storm upside down in a never-ending inverted suplex. Hernandez tries to tag Morgan, but Morgan says that he'll tag in when he wants to. "When he wants to" proves to be about ten seconds later. Morgan throws Storm face-first into the corner. "One move!" Morgan shouts at Hernendez. Double crossbody on Beer Money by Morgan. Morgan tags in Hernandez. Hernandez goes to fly, but Morgan stops him. Beer Money double-teams Hernandez again. Loud chants of "Morgan sucks!" Storm and Hernandez go. Storm works over the neck of Hernandez. Roode tags in. Loud chants of "Hernandez Yay! Morgan Boo!" Funny! Roode gets the referee in the way so that Storm can crotch Hernandez on the top turnbuckle. Double-team from Beer Money again. Storm covers Hernandez, but only gets a two-count. Storm locks in a rear choke, but Hernandez fights out. Storm gets a two-count on Hernandez. Hernandez shoulder blocks Storm from the apron, then slingshots into the ring. Morgan wants the tag, and gets it. "You still suck!" chants. Discus clothesline takes down Roode. Morgan tags in a dazed Hernandez, who goes airborne and takes out Roode on the floor. Morgan shouts, "Are you that dumb? You can't win it out here!" He rolls Hernandez into the ring. Storm spits beer in Morgan's eyes by mistake, and Hernandez gets the pin. Post-match, Morgan hits Hernandez with a Carbon Footprint. Morgan holds up both title belts and struts around before leaving the ring. Winners (and STILL Tag Team Champions): Matt Morgan & Hernandez Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson (Grudge Match/Special Challenge Match): I don't like Mr. Anderson as a wrestler, and I never have, but his shirt is awesome. "Pro Wrestling is Real" on the front, "People are fake" on the back. I want one. Slow and deliberate pacing to start. Angle has control, and keeps Anderson grounded with a series of side headlocks. Angle gestures at Anderson to try his own headlock. Anderson complies, but Angle almost immediately fights out of it. Another invitation from Angle. Anderson tries again, and Angle throws him down. It's all about Angle showing up and embarrassing Anderson now. Anderson boots Angle in the gut and locks in a side headlock. Angle explodes with a back suplex. Back body drop for Anderson. Still a slow, deliberate pace. Corner mount, and ten punches from Angle. Snap suplex from Angle. Two-count only. Angle has been totally dominant so far. Anderson yanks Angle's arm across the top rope as he drops to the floor, and the momentum shifts. Anderson targets Angle's arm and shoulder. Anderson holds the feet and stomps Angle's midsection. More working over of Angle's shoulder and arm. Angle punches with the good arm. Running shoulder block by Anderson into the injured shoulder of Angle. Modified key lock from Anderson into a pinning position. Nice! Anderson throws Angle shoulder-first into the corner ringpost. Two-count for Anderson from a rather aggressive schoolboy. That just looks odd to write. Series of short clotheslines from Angle using the good arm. Anderson kicks out at two. Angle Slam countered into a Samoan Drop and a two-count for Anderson. Angle dodges a clothesline and hits Anderson with one, two, three German suplexes. The straps come down! Angle Slam! Two and a half count! Angle really favors the injured left arm. Angle Lock on Anderson. Low blow from Anderson that the ref doesn't see. Mic Check and pulling the tights! Angle kicks out at 2 1/2! Anderson drives Angle back-first into the corner, and positions him up top. Top rope Mic Check??? Angle shoves Anderson down. Frog splash from Angle. Two-count only. Arm drag from Anderson counters the Angle Slam. Ref bump #73! Anderson hits his own version of the Angle Slam, but there is no referee to make the count. Anderson rolls to the floor and takes a folding chair from the audience. Anderson prepares to smash Angle with the chair, but tosses it to the floor and takes the warrior medal instead. He brandishes it like a set of brass knuckles, but Angle instantly dodges and suplexes Anderson instead. Angle cuts open Anderson's forehead with the warrior medal. Angle punches Anderson ten times with the medal. Angle Lock on Anderson. Anderson bleeds a lot. In the center of the ring, Anderson taps out. Angle leaves the ring, with a bloody mess of Mr. Anderson still on the mat. Anderson raises his hand, and the mic drops. The music stops. Anderson says that, as his shirt says, people are fake. Angle isn't a real hero. Probably isn't a real gold medalist. Anderson tried to have a straight-up wrestling match tonight, and Angle had to resort to cheap tactics to win. While all of these people think that Angle will go home and sleep well after this match, both Anderson and Angle know that Angle will be awake, eyes opened, and one word going through his head over and over again. Anderson. Anderson. Anderson. That was weird. Winner: Kurt Angle To the back! Christy Hemme asks AJ Styles how Ric Flair's confinement to a wheelchair will affect his game plan. AJ says that he doesn't care if Abyss has Hogan's ring, Superman's cape, Sampsonb's hair, or Batman's... uh, whatever it is that makes Batman tough! LOL! That was brilliant. To the back! JB interviews Abyss. Abyss says that AJ has Ric Flair, or what's left of him. Flair practically begged to be put in that wheelchair. Those were the good parts of the promo. The high-pitched giggling, the hair-pulling, and the Hogan kissing-up were not as good. AJ Styles vs. Abyss (World Heavyweight Championship title match): Please let us have a decent match between these two. Run-ins and interference by Sting, Flair, Desmond Wolfe, and the like will not help the World title scene. The only thing that I would accept is an appearance by Samoa Joe, Master Ninja. AJ enters alone. He can be a smarmy heel on his own, without being Flair's personal bitch. Oh, I spoke too soon! The lovely Chelsea wheels Ric Flair down to ringside after AJ hits the ring. JB makes the official in-ring introductions. I love that part, it really gives the main event a big sport event feel. As JB starts to introduce Flair, Abyss attacks AJ and the match is on! AJ dodges Abyss's strikes, but Abyss catches him and drops him. AJ chops Abyss, to no effect. An Abyss shoulder block sends AJ out onto the ramp. Abyss walks toward Flair. Flair backs the wheelchair up. Abyss drags AJ toward Flair and attempts a chokeslam. AJ fights back, but returns to slap hands with Flair. As he returns to the ring, Abyss throws AJ across the ring. AJ lands a dropkick to Abyss's knees. More kicks to the knees follow. AJ dropkicks Abyss off the apron to the floor. AJ lands a beautiful flip dive over the top rope onto Abyss on the floor. Flair dances in the wheelchair and WHOOOOs a lot. AJ brings a chair into the ring. The referee stops him as he wedges the chair in the corner. As the referee tries to move the chair, AJ chokes Abyss. AJ tries to bodyslam Abyss, to no avail. A dropkick flattens Abyss. AJ takes control, and deals out the punches. Abyss fights back. AJ gets Abyss in the corner, wrapping his leg in the ropes. AJ pulls on the ankle, earning a rebuke from the referee. More chops from AJ. AJ springboards into a chokeslam, but kicks his way out. Abyss drops AJ with a clothesline. Abyss goes for the Shock Treatment, but AJ counters with the Pele. Springboard clothesline from AJ, but only a two-count. A Styles Clash attempt is countered by a huge catapult from Abyss, throwing AJ head-first into the very chair that AJ wedged into the corner earlier. Abyss hits the Shock Treatment and covers AJ. AJ barely kicks out at 2 3/4. Abyss positions AJ on the top rope, but AJ bites Abyss and shoves him down. AJ hits a beautiful Spiral Tap and covers him. Abyss kicks out at 2 1/2. Loud chants of "That was awesome!" AJ charges Abyss, and runs into a Black Hole Slam. AJ barely kicks out at 2 9/10. Flair has Chelsea roll him up to ringside and sprays something in the referee's eyes. The referee screams and rolls out to the floor. Flair tosses the title belt in to AJ. AJ hits Abyss with it. Cue HH's music. He brings referee Earl Hebner out to finish the match. HH orders Chelsea to the back, and takes Flair's wheelchair himself. HH wheels Flair out of the arena. AJ objects most vociferously, but lands a splash onto Abyss anyway. Abyss kicks out with great force at two. AJ's chops have no effect. Abyss Hulks up. AJ's punches have no effect. Finger Point of Doom! "YOU!" Massively HUGE chokeslam through the ring!!! Chants of "Holy shit!" AJ went all the way through the ring! The bell rings. Hogan says that since AJ can't continue, Abyss is the winner. Hebner takes the belt from Hogan and tries to argue the point. Flair and Chelsea return to ringside, Flair screaming about "Not so fast!" Abyss grabs Flair from the chair and goes to chokeslam him. Chelsea tries to spray whatever Flair used before, but Hogan grabs her arms and directs the spray at Flair instead. Desmond Wolfe runs down, and gets pinballed between Abyss and Hogan before being tossed into the hole in the ring. Weak. I guess all the Wolfe/Angle matches mean nothing now. Wolfe also gets some spray to the eyes. Hebner throws out the match, so AJ retains the title due to interference. Match thrown out due to interference STILL World Heavyweight Champion: AJ Styles That's it for me, peeps. Check back tomorrow for my real-time of Monday night "Impact" and the fall-out from tonight's event. Peace out, Jana
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