What's up, guys?  Welcome to real time coverage of WWE Judgment Day.  So, all you judgmental people out there, go nuts.  It's your day.  Mock your neighbors.  WWE says it's okay...but just for today.

Video Package Hyping Judgment Day.  What did you expect?  Video package hyping "In Your House?"  It's Judgment Day, dopey.

Terminator - Salvation - The Video Game presents Judgment Day and it couldn't make Jim Ross any happier.  His Rossship welcomes us all to the show and by night's end, we'll have a list of winners and losers at our disposal.  Right now, all we can do is watch.

1. C.M. Punk vs. Umaga

It's surprising to see these two in a feud at this point.  You wouldn't normally expect Umaga and Punk to have a solid match, but they did here.  Umaga has so much more potential than many might realize.  It's not often that you get the savage beat with a wrestling repetoire.  Maga has it though.  Ever since his match with John Cena at the Royal Rumble, I've been sold.  Now, seeing him get reintroduced in the manner he is, says a lot.  In Punk's case, he always has the briefcase so even losses like this one can't really hurt him if they book him well in the future.  C.M. might not drink, but he could eat.  In this case, he ate a Samoan thumb and took the pinfall.  Tap your belly, the Bulldozer gets the win.

Winner: Umaga

Big Show and Vicki Guerrero meet up backstage.  After Chavo's announcement that John Cena is cleared to wrestle tonight, Show speaks about how it might be bad for business given John's poor track record.  The match is on anyway. 

Have you ever had someone tell you the same ridiculous story over and over again?   Maybe they had a good meal at a restaurant that they've talked about nine times in the last day.   You keep trying to stop them and say, "I've heard this story before.   It's boring."   But they keep telling you anyway…over and over again.

On a related note…John Cena vs. Big Show is on...tonight.

2. ECW Champion Christian Cage vs. Jack Swagger

You may not love Swagger, but no one is in as good a spot as he is right now.  Not only is he on ECW, free from too many picky eyes looking to play politics, but he's working with the best they have to offer on the brand right now.  In WWE's brands, it's better to be a big fish in a small pond than a big fish in a Hunter Hearst Helmsley Pond.  He doesn't have to worry about getting squashed for political purposes.  All he needs to do is hone his character while letting the WWE machine push him as a champion on the same level as their others.  Whether you feel that ECW is on the same plain as Smackdown and Raw is immaterial.  In the end, he's a former World Champion and that's how the sell it.  Christian is in a good spot too. You might not believe it, but given the way he left, they could have treated him a lot worse than they are.  After all, the guy's ECW Champ.  That's better than getting Braden Walkered out the door, right?  He also has his old tricks in his Canadian sleeve.  Swagger thought he could out-rulebreak the Peepmaster, but he was wrong.  With a handful of tights, Captain Charisma held Jack down and retained his strap.

Winner: Christian

3. Shelton Benjamin vs. John Morrison

The gimmick here is that Shelton is fighting John over the honor of being "WWE's best pure athlete."  Weird considering that most guys used to fight over titles.  So, you're the best pure athlete in WWE.  Congrats.  That and a quarter will get you 25 cents.  I guess when you're treading water like Shelly has been doing for months, it's better than twiddling your thumbs with Jimmy Wang Yang backstage -but still.  The biggest irony here is that with Benjamin being seconded by Charlie Hass, you'd hope they'd eventually square off against Morrison and Miz, but that's not happening anytime soon.  The fans are in luck with matches like this though.  With athleticsm being showcased as the focal point, both these guys get the chance to pull out all their amazing moves and show us what they have.  The announcers now have a lovefest going for Nitro too.  Not sure where that came from.  They must have something for guys who get beat up by their buddies.  Ever since Miz beat his butt, they love him.  They got to get all their gushing Johnny love out of their system here.  The former one half of a candy with a crunchy shell hit his split legged moonsault and got the pin.  Be jealous.

Winner: John Morrison

Speaking of Mike the Mizerable, he's up next.  Center ring, the Real World's gift to WWE has some things to say.  First, he insults the crowd.  Then he insults the Chicago Cubs.  Then he insults Chicago Cub Alfonso Soriano in the front row and challenges him to take John Cena's place...and face him tonight.

How very TNA of him.

Before Fonzie can get into the ring, Mike gets a phone call from "Lou Pinella."  Lou tells Mike that he'd rather Soriano get his "annual injury on the field than off."  Bam!  Take that, Alfie Baseballz.

With Cena no-showing, Mikey declares himself a 4-0 winner over Dr. Thuggy and tells the Cubbie fans to be jealous...

Cue Santino Marella.

Why?

We have almost two hours left. 

Oh.

Santino Marella hits the ring to defend his "fellow Italian" Alfonso Soriano.  We get all the expected Marella ha-ha's in (words spoken in plural when they don't have to, mistakenly calling Miz "Fiz," calling Vicki a pig.)  Even weirder, Santa seems to be speaking worse English every week.  It's more broken now than it was years ago. Aren't people supposed to get better with their speech over time?  Why is he regressing? 

Although I don't find it all that funny, it tickles Michael Cole's funny bone.  MC Coleslaw giggles like a schoolgirl watching the High School Musical blooper reel as Marella shows off his guns and funny photos comparing Vladimir Kozloff to an Eagle.  Apparently Mizzy doesn't like it either.  He wallops the Italian and takes him down.  The crowd boos.  SanMar is your hero once again.  At this point, it doesn't matter.  He doesn't feud with real people anyway.  Good or bad doesn't matter.  It's just a matter of whether he'll be harassing babyfaces while wearing a dress or heels...while wearing heels.

Chavo Guerrero came out after the beating and took his opportunity to land a Frog Splash on the man who called his little aunt a "pig."  Good for Chavo.  He seemed thrilled with his actions, but Lawler questioned the honor in beating a beaten opponent.  I didn't hear him complaining when CM Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank case on Edge.  Don't worry, Kerwin.  I'm on your side.  You show 'em, Hop-a-long.  You show the world.

In a backstage interview, Chris Jericho fumbles some large words and speaks his piece about being held down in WWE.  He talks about the conspiracy around him.  He doesn't mention that the conspiracy thing was his gimmick over ten years ago, though.  Guess he doesn't want to point that out.  He directs his anger at Rey Mysterio and his fans chanting "619."  He doesn't mention that the first time he did the conspiracy gimmick, Rey Rey was half the size he is now.  I guess he doesn't want to point that out either.  Strangely, he doesn't make any Swine Flu jokes about Mysterio.  Hunter would have.  That's what seperates the men from the boys.

4. Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho

Right off the bat, Rey went for the 619 but it didn't help.  Jericho slipped away.  J.R. claimed that Chris must be reading too many Oliver Stone novels because of his paranoia.  Movies...novels.  To-may-to...To-mah-to.  Whatever.  It's good to have Ross at ringside for this one though.  He has a knack of giving you historic highpoints without making it seem forced.  This bout featured the spots you might expect with Raymond Steerio hitting his highflying moves while Y2J played the chicken-heel for most of it.  Everytime the 619er geared up to run in, the King of Bling Bling backed away.  That didn't stop him though.  He kept coming back and for every shot he missed, he got one in.  Getting back to history, Good Ol' J.R. spoke about Lionheart's WWE debut years ago.  Now, in the same arena, he could win his ninth I.C. belt.  Wait...what?  Nine?  Yikes.  What happened to these belts?  Over the past ten years, everyone has had a title reign at one point or another.  (JG Note: I have two cats.  One of them is a former U.S. Champion.  Says a lot, right?  I didn't even realize it.  He came trotting in the house one day with the belt in his mouth.  I said, "Where'd you get that?"  He goes, "Meow."  So I said, "What?"  He then dropped the belt out of his mouth and said, "I'm sorry.  I won it from Kane."  I said, "oh, good boy" and gave him a treat.)  Speaking of Kane, CJ tried to take a page form the big red playbook and went after Rey's mask.  He tore at it, but failed to take it off.  When he followed up with the Walls of Jericho, the masked mini fought back and nearly pinned the former Unified Champ.  The fans cheered for their hero to continue the assualt and Todd Grisham said that it's no secret "who the WWE Universe want to see."  I guess that's the new buzzword for their audience.  Remember when they were called wrestling fans?  Neither do I.  In the end the people formerly known as pro wrestling fans did what they could, but it didn't seem to be enough.  The Highlight Reel host locked in his Walls of Jericho and looked ready to end thing...until he was rolled up.  After a near pin, the action went back to being even and both guys searched for a new way to outdo the other.  Grisham reminds us how Y2J once called Rey Rey a "miniscule piece of trash."  He wondered what Chris thought of him now.  My guess?  Miniscule piece of trash.  Why would fighting him change his opinion?  If I hate someone, I hate them more after they punch me in the face a few times.  Don't you?  Call him whatever you want, but that miniscule piece of trash can rassle.  He hit the 619 and pinned the Canadian Fan Puncher to retain his title.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Jerry Lawler says that the Judgment Day theme song is sung by "Buckcherry."  In an ironic twist, that's probably what Jerry wanted to do before they split Deuce and Domino and released her.

Up next: Randy Orton vs. Dave Batista.  Grab your popcorn.  Batista has some growling to do.

5. WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Dave Batista

This one goes back to Orton denying Batista the chance to go to WrestleMania 25.  Now it's Dave's turn for revenge by taking Randy's belt away and bringing it back to his animalistic lair...in Washinton D.C.  Cole reminds us that both of these guys are four time World Champs.  That beats my cat, but hey - he's a cat.  Cut him some slack. Things started off slowly with a headlock and the crowd responded with some muttered boos.  Dandy Randy eventualy escaped the hold and the ring itself.  After making his way back in, it was the same story again.  Tista, still being met with mixed boos, hit a suplex and went for the cover.  While Deacon Dave stayed in control, the announcers questioned his emotional responses to the Legend Killer. After all, it's been the Animal's emotion that has kept him from taking out Ort long ago.  He fell to it again here too.  When Batista went after the once-again escaping Randall, he found himself the victim of an outside attack.  The Champ went for some covers and his blank stare took centerstage over the action.  From ringside, King Lawler talked about the empty glare of the Legacy leader as the challenger found himself worn down.  With constant talk of Dave's refusal to join the RKO Kid's stable, Jerry and Michael tried to fill in the dead air of the restholds with backstories.  Did it distract?  A bit.  But in the end, it was still a "methodical" bout that kept finding itself back on the mat.  Even D.B.'s big comebacks were met with indifference from the Chi-Town crowd.  It seemed like the WWE Universe was out at the WWE Universal Snackbar.  In fact, it seemed like they popped bigger for Orton's offense than that of the good guy.  To be honest, if WWE was wondering whether or not to turn the Animal heel, this was the perfect example of why they should.  When Randy stalked the fallen Tista for his head punt and was hit with a Spear, they seemed to wake up.  Still not as riled up as they were for earlier bouts, the live audience was more into things than they were earlier in the contest, at least.  That's the time that Captain Head Kick ran to the outside and ordered the referee to count him out.  As we all know, championships can only change hands via pinfall or submission...or retrieving Judy Bagwell from the top of a pole.

The Champion held the ringpost for dear life as the count hit eight.  Leviathan chased him back in though and tried to get the elusive three count.  To counter this?  R.O. ran away again.  This time around, he grabbed a chair and Lawler guessed that he was trying for an intentional DQ.  Dave stopped him once again, but while doing so, found himself nearly counted out.  Again they returned to the squared circle and the Challenger nearly got another World Title victory.  When he finally went for his finisher, the Batista Bomb, Orton once again...you guessed it, ran away.

This time he grabbed his hat, coat, and belt before walking up the aisle.  Batty Tista  pulled him back in and tried to get the pin one more time. He raised him up for the Bomb, found himself punched down while the Champ was in the air, and it all fell apart.  That's when an "enraged" Randy did the punch-the-ground deal, stalked his groggy foe, and hit the R.K...No.  Dave reversed it.  Know how Ort responded? 

Did you guess "run away?" 

Nope.  He hit the referee.  Ding, ding, ding.  Cue Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase.

Winner: Dave Batista (DQ)

As Legacy pounded away on the Animal, we all wondered who could save him.  Who, you ask?  Who?  Whoooooooooooo? 

Whooooooo!  Ric Flair is here!  Naitch walks the ramp and hits the ring.  Slick Ric scratches his itch all over DiBiase and Rhodes.  He knocks them to and fro before standing tall with the man who calls him his "mentor."  Flair and Batista celebrate...Dave's failure to take the WWE title.  Here's to lowered expectations.  Drink up, kids. 

Up next: John Cena vs. Big Show.  Just in case, you know, you missed the first 3000 times they fought.

6. John Cena vs. Big Show

We get the mixed reaction to John Cena that we're all so used to.  Cole speaks about his strange relationship with the "WWE Universe."  He also pointed out the "overly exaggerated punches of the Big Show."  I thought I was the only one who noticed that.  The only real bad thing here is that WWE followed up a match where the hero wasn't all that popular with another one just like it.  That's fine when you have them in there with a cool heel, but not with guys like Orton and Show.  It just came off like another match that the Universe seemed to be sleepwalking through.  For what seemed like years, the Showster beat John to smither-marines.  While I understand the story they were telling, it still seemed like a time killer.  The goal seemed to be to have the Universarians cheer Thuggy's name - and they did for a brief time.  But, as I said, that was brief.  Lawler even mentioned the dreaded words that announcers hate to say - "the crowd is in stunned silence here."  Ah.  Good ol' stunned silence.  They should apply that to other things too.  Like if they have a ton of empty seats in the audience, the should say that the crowd is so stunned that they had to leave the building to seek treatment.  Apply it to TV ratings too.  If, nothing else, it would be funny.  The silent Universe made a bit more noise when J.C. tried to mount his sporadic comebacks.  Biggie tried everything to squash the Cena Train, but couldn't hold him down.  12 Round Charlie managed to attempt his STF, but couldn't lock it in.  So he chose to land a top rope Fame-Asser before locking it once again.  With The King screaming that it can't be done, you had to guess the comeback was coming.  Even when Vicki Guerrero's Gigantic Boy Toy hit his huge moves, you still knew it was coming.  B.S. backed up and sized up Johnny for his big punch.  Picture Orton lining up Batista for the kick.  John countered.  Picture Batista countering Orton with the Spear.  From there, we get the F-U Attitude Adjustment and 1,2,3.  A half-dead Cena gets the pin and the crowd comes to life. Your father, Andre, would be ashamed, Paul. 

Winner: John Cena

After the bell, John made friends with a Chicago Cub and tried on people's caps at ringside.  That's how you get lice, Cena.  With all your injuries, that's the last thing you need.

Cue Jeff Hardy.

Uh, dude.  You're Jeff Hardy.

Huh?  Oh yeah?  Cool.  Cool.  So, what's up?

You're up next.

Who?

You.

Uh....V?

Jeff, just go through that curtain please.  Leave the dead fish and crayons.  Your match is happening now.

7. World Champion Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

This match going on last seemed to serve as foreshadowing.  In this case, foreshadowing is good.  Knowing you'll probably see a title change is enticing.  It's how Gorilla Monsoon sold me WrestleMania IV.  It's why WWE's website announced Vince McMahon's World Title win before it made TV.  It's why Tony Shiavone is brought up by Mick Foley all the time.  Fans like title changes when the winner is someone they're intrigued by.  Jeff will always be that guy.  He's a great talent that people are all cheering for deep-down.  Ten years ago, you thought he'd be a God by now.  The stuff he did early on was mind-blowing.  Had he gone through a straight run without any TNA or demon-fighting, he'd be further up than he is now.  That said, he could have been a lot lower too.  Seeing him work hard to earn this spot is a true wrestling success story.  He deserves praise and given his desire to do things outside wrestling, you feel like he's truly working for his fans.  As for these fans, It felt like they were pretty burnt out at this point, but they still wanted to care about this match.  Like those before it, the bout started slow and remained that way for a bit.  There didn't seem to be that much energy in the arena as a whole.  Plus, Todd Grisham and Jim Ross got really hung up on this weird poker-playing analogy with Hardy for some reason.  J.R. wondered aloud if Jeffy's facepaint was meant to be good luck, but wasn't.  That should tell you how much downtime we had.  Things started to pick up when the Rainbow Headed Warrior started hitting some high-risk moves, but it was few and far between.  The stunned silence theme continued on, breaking for moments like Jeff's Sharpshooter and flying maneuvers.  That changed when we approached the end.  In an awesome spot, Hardy ran the barricade, only to be nailed by an Edge spear from the announce table.  Seemingly dead, Jeffery was outside until the count of nine.  When he returned, it was time for revenge.  Magical Facepaint Boy took it to the R-Rated Superstar with a barrage of moves.  Edge tried to escape and the action spilled to the ringside area.  The count went on as they tried to crawl back to the ring.  But out of nowhere, Matt Hardy showed up in the crowd and nailed his brother in the noggin with his cast.  It all looked over...

...but it wasn't.  Eff Matty and his broke-ass arm.  Jeff fought back in the ring.  He side-stepped the Spear, climbed the buckles, and went for a Swanton Bomb.  No go, pal.  Edgar Superstar caught him, suplexed him down, and got the pin.  So much for spoilers, folks.  It was a really good match, but also one that probably left a lot of people unhappy as the show ends.

Winner: Edge

Quick Notes:  This week, no Raw because I'll have an all new SMACKDOWN INSANITY on Friday.  Be sure to check back for it.  Plus, gear up.  A new uncut shoot is on the way...