Not to mention hundreds more big stars only at
The Home of Wrestling's Top Stars in Uncut Shoots since 2005!
LESS THAN SIX BUCKS!
Hey everyone! Welcome to tonight's coverage of the Royal Rumble PPV, the first big step on the road to Wrestlemania. Check back at the top of the hour for the show!
And here we go!
The opening video is about the Elimination Chamber. Sorry, That's next month's PPV Real Time Covergae opening line. No, this one is about the Rumble and how a bunch of dudes want to win it, and in the process win the hardest match in all of WWE. Orton gets to suggest he wants to win a lot. Indeed. the Smackdown roster gets a lot to say. Oh look, they just put up a shot of Drew McIntyre. Still not f**king fired then...
Simple stage tonight, focusing on the entrance way, as you'd expect when they're asking the crowd to look at the stage 30 times in a hour. your announcers are Michael Cole's favourite people, Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole, and The World Title is curtain jerking.
Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry (possibly) in a "Good idea not wrestling on that knee/Stupid bastard going and wrestling on that knee (delete as appropriate)" Triple Threat Cage match for the World Title
Daniel Bryan is the first man out, doing the full "YES!" celebrating, and getting in Cole's face a little. He gets in the ring and climbs to the top of the cage to hold up his belt. Mark Henry is next out, so he is working this, it seems. He is clearly limping a little, but his knees don't seem any more stabilised than normal.
If you thought WWE was done with Twitter, well, tyhink again, they just mentioned it.
Big Show goes to give a tiny girl his hat, but she hides from the giant. She clealy saw what he did to the tiny AJ. Indeed so do we as we see a replay. Apparently, Twitter is ablaze that the girl is Alanna Orton, Randy's little girl.
The giants take out Bryan early, but once he's dead off a spear, they fight each other. Show squashes Henry against the cage wall a few times. Behind them, Bryan tries to sneak out, but Show catches him and pulls him back in. Big puts some shots in while Bryan tried to create separation and espace. He loads up the WMD, but it missed and Show punched the cage. Bryan got some shots in, but Show stayed on top. Or he did until the second I finished typing the last sentence when he took out Big Show's knee with a low dropkick.
Bryan uses his educated feet to keep the big men off their feet. Bryan goes for the door, but Henry cuts him off to beat on the midget. Big Show decides he wants some of this goodness and beats Bryan from pillar to post. As Henry gets up, he clotheslines Big Show down and stands on Bryan's chest. Henry goes to squash Bryan in the cage, but he ducks, and Show hits Henry with a spear, allowing Bryan to pick up a 2 count. Show works over Bryan some more before wanting a chokeslam. Danny boy kicks at a knee and then hits a Tornado DDT out of the corner for a 2 count..
The LeBell Lock is put on, but there's another guy in the match and Henry breaks it up before Show can start beating out a rhythm. As Henry has Bryan, Show hits Henry with the WMD, but Bryan breaks the count and flees the cage. Show catches him up top , but Bryan keeps fighting Bryan off. He gets over the cage, and despite Big Show climbing up to the top, Bryan manages to break Show's grasp of him and drops to the floor for the win.
WINNER & STILL WORLD CHAMPION: DANIEL BRYAN
They're playing it up as if Big Show was so close to winning the title again, only for Bryan to survive. Possible. Show wasn't THAT close though. Finish kinda came outta nowhere. I expected Big Show to pull Bryan back in there in a power display.
BAGPIPES?!?! Unfortunately, this Elimination Chamber PPV ad isn't by Drew McIntyre, but Sheamus as the pipes are playing "Danny Boy".
The announcers talk about Wrestlemania and the main event of Rock & Cena, sending it to a profile on John Cena. Kinda UFC 24/7 like video.
Beth Pheonix, Natalya & The Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly, Eve, Tamina & Alicia Fox in a "Time Bumper" match
Booker says he's been looking forward to this match all night. HOW?!?!?! It's unannounced!!!
Natalya & Tamina start things off. Thankfully, the match lasts longer than a minute. But tamina does take control, headbutts Nattie before bringing Eve in for the bogaling moonsault. Beth manages to tag in, but Eve hits a flying clothesline. A flipping senton however is met with knees and Beth manages to take control. Brie Bella tags in and works Eve over. At some point Alicia makes a hot tag, stomping away on Brie in the corner. However, Mikki swithces with her sister and takes control. Alicia gets out of a hold with an armdrag utilising the splits, before tagging Kelly with a long headscissor spin and bulldog out of the corner. The match breaks down on the outside. Kelly goes up top and crossbodies the whole lot of them. She picks a Bella up and rolls her back in the ring, but gets tripped into the ropes. Beth makes a VIOLENT blind tag in and hits the Glam Slam for the win.
WINNERS: BETH, NATALYA & THE BELLA TWINS
The announcers ponder John Cena's condition going into Wrestlemania aftewr what could happen in his match with Kane later on, sending us back to RAW and Zack Ryder pulling a Muhammad Hassan.
We go backstage and Zack Ryder is being wheeled backstage in a back brace. Johnny Ace comes up to him and smugly tells him he's got Ryder set up in his own dressing room with TV and service. Eve comes up to them and chews Johnny out, saying she hopes he's fired on RAW. Ace is all "That's gratitude for you". Eve wheels them into the dressing room.
John Cena vs. Kane in a "If Cena is Luke Skywalker and Kane is Darth Vader, then who is the wookie?" match
Apparently, precisely at 12:01 this afternoon, Cena passed a million fans on Facebook. What happenstance! They delay Kane's entrance to let the crowd get some good booing time in. They also delay Kane's entrance by being late on the music, tron and lighting, as he starts coming out in the dark.
Cena starts throwing bombs at the bell, but Kane takes over. Cena clotheslines Kane out over the top like he may do in about 90 minutes time, but Kane pulls Cena right out. Cena whips Kane into and over the steel steps. Back in the ring, Cena goes for the AA, but Kane is remarkably too heavy for him despite having taken the move a ton of times, allowing Kane to re-take control of things.
Kane wins a slugfest and picks up a 2 count. The demented Kane hits a suplex for another 2 count and puts on a chinlock as the announcers trade "Johnny Ace sucked up to me today" stories, each more bizarre than the last. Out of the chinlock, Kane hit a corner clothesline, but missed on another. Cena wanted a bulldog, but Kane pushed Cena off with authority. And then he ran into a big Kane clothesline.
Kane went for the move RDLee calls the "rape choke" (and I'm afraid as to how that comes about...) but even after getting it on, when they got to the mat, Cena looks for a Crossface. However, Kane powers out and hits the side slam. The flying clothesline connected, but Cena ducked the chokslam and hit some shoulderblocks to set up his comeback offence. However, the Five Knuckle Shuffle was blocked early, and Kane hit a boot for 2.
Cnea wasput on top and Kane went looking for a superplex. Cena fought him off and hit a super-Five Knuckle Shuffle off the top. The Atttitude Adjustment was blocked, but Cena dropkicked the leg. The STF was kicked off of and Cena ended up on the outside. They head to the foot of the aisle as the referee counts them both out.
They carry on regardless, as Cena uses a fake light on Kane's head. They brawl their way backstage, and Kane meets with some garbage. Kane grabs a spare chair and hits Cena in the back with it a few times. Kane suddenly spies that they've addicentally managed to fight right at Zack Ryder's room. Kane busts the door down and mauls Ryder, putting him out. Kane wheels Zack right by Cena (as some random dudes just walk past the whole thing without a care in the world!) back into the arena, tipping ryder out at ringside. He rolls Ryder into the ring as Eve comes out to beg for her BF's life. But Kane isn't down with the begging and gleefully hits a Tombstone on Zackory. And now he turns his attention to Eve. UNdsurprisingly, Cena runs back down, but he eats a chokeslam. Kane suddenly decides he doesn't want any of Eve afterall and leaves.
We spend some more time on WWE TV this week watching Zack ryder being put on a back board. Then in a nice twist of Socratic irony, we get a Be A Show Tolerance And Respect promo.
You know that pretty awesome video of Cena earlier to build Rock vs. Cena? Rock's turn this time.
Drew McIntyre vs.Brodus Clay in a "Well, us Scots can't dance. Or that may just be me..." match
So, he's not even fired, but getting a PPV payoff. Apparently, Drew was unhappy at not being in the Rumble, so Teddy gave him this match. And Brodus is sporting Green tonight. now if only THA could be assed to make this version of Clay rather than just release the one they thought he'd be, Superstar Threads would make some useful sense finally.
So yeah, this goes about as well for Drew as you'd expect. Well, after getting an initial flurry of clubbing blows that is. Big this just gets Brodus jiggling before hitting the T-Bone suplex, avalanche and the What The Funk. And Cole laid inot the "n" sound tonight, lest it seem like he says a swear...
WINNER: BRODUS CLAY
Slim Jim/Army advert
Promo for tomorrow night's job evalulation. It'd be funny if HHH went "Great job!" The announcers then send it to a hype video for out non-30 man main event.
CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler in a "Well, if Johnny Ace thinks he's getting fired tomorrow, he may as well screw Punk..." match for the WWE Title with John Laurinaitis as Special Guest Referee
Johnny Ace comes otu and introduces himself. He says even though he's been assigned as the referee, that he was now going to oversee the officiating from outside the ring and leave the actual reffing to a WWE referee. Dolph comes out in a vest that he seems to have fashioned from John Morrison's ring gear. And we see Johnny Ace is texting from ringside.
Lauranaitis gets into the ring and points out that Vickie was banned from ringside and so he ejects her. Ziggler goes for an early Fameasser while Punk goes for an early GTS, but neither happen. Punk hits some kicks, but misses one, whcih allows Ziggler to do the Jarrett strut. Punk looked for the Anaconda Vice, but Ziggler managed to avoid it. He does lock on an abdominal stretch however, taking time to mock Dolph in the process. Ziggler ended up on the outside, and Punk hit a suicide dive onto him. Punk went up top, but Ziggler got up and swept the leg to take over as Punk crashed down, beginning to focus on the neck.
Ziggler looked for the Sleeper, but Punk turned it into a Anaconda Vice attempt. Ziggler escaped that and put on a chinlock, but Punk escaped that, only to take a dropkick for 2. Ziggler wanted the Fameasser, but Punk countered with a spinning sitout powerbomb for a 2 count. Punk began to build some momentum, hitting the high knee and bulldog. The GTS was blocked however. Ziggler hit a catapult into the corner, but Punk caught himself with a crossbody for 2. Punk hit a roundhouse kick to the head for a 2 count. Punk hit a scoop slam before heading up top for the Savage elbow. Again, this only picked up a 2 count.
The GTS was again countered, only this time, Ziggler choved Punk into the referee. Ace checked on the ref as Punk countered Dolph and locked on the Anaconda Vice. Only Johnny Ace wasn't looking as Ziggler started beating out a Bossa Nova. Punk then rolled through a roll up for a 4 count as Ace was still tending to the downed referee.Punk grabbed Ziggler for the GTS, but in spinning him round, Ziggler's legs hit Johnny Ace. Punk hit the move but again there was no count as Ace complained on the outside. Another GTS was countered into the Fameasser for a close 2 count. You could tell that was going to happen because Punk was holding Ziggler the wrong way round.
Ziggler started mauling Punk with shpots, but Punk caught another Fameasser and hit another GTS. However, as the referee made a count, Johnny Ace got in the ring and counted a stereo three count of his own for some apparent reason. Lawler reasons that Ace wanted to show himself counting a 3 for Punk.
WINNER & STILL CHAMPION: CM PUNK
WWE & YouTube hook up with exclusives starting on Wednesday. What are the odds these will be blocked outside the US like 95% of their other videos?
The "Royal Rumble By The Numbers" video.
Now time for my favourite match of the year, but the dirt worst when it comes to covering in these things...
The 2012 Royal Rumble match
#1 - THE MIZ
Mizward Tizward gets the inflatable "Awesome" entrance, entirely validating him being first out. Cole thinks he had a big shot of winning. Miz gets himself a mic, saying everyoine had been sniggering at him all day, thinking he was bothered by being first in the match. But they were the same people who didn't think he'd never main event Wrestlemania or be WWE Champion. He proved them wrong then and he'd prove them wrong now. He may be first in, but he'd be the last man standing.
#2 - ALEX RILEY
It has to be said, Miz's tan is comically shitty. They start with a slugfest, before Riley scores with a flying clothesline. But Miz comes back with a big boot. Riley tosses Miz, but he hangs on and then low bridges Riley out.
ALEX RILEY IS ELIMINATED
Miz kicks back while he waits for number 3.
#3 - R-TRUTH
Winning on RAW sure helped Truth out...
Truth tackles Miz down before hitting the jumping heel kick. Again, Miz meets the apron, but Truth doesn't charge. They tease finishers, but both fail. Truth hits a powerslam.
#4 - CODY RHODES
Truth goes for a DDT on Miz, but Cody hits the Beautiful Disaster to break it up. Cody & Miz decide to start teaming up on Truth, taking turns on him. cody finally completes ripping off Bob Holly with the kick to the gut in the ropes. Truth send Cody to the apron and starts fighting the off.
#5 - JUSTIN GABRIEL
Gabriel comes in with a crossbody to Cody, before hitting a sitout powerbomb. He then takes down Miz and Truth. However Cody blindsides him and tries to eliminate him, but Justin hangs on. The feuding pairs pair off as you'd expect.
#6 - PRIMO
Primo goes after everyone moving. He hits a nice headscissors on Gabriel as Miz tosses Truth
R-TRUTH IS ELIMINATED
Truth pulls Miz out of the ring and hits the Lie Detector on the floor. Watch him stay out until the very end or something.
#7 - MICK FOLEY
Foley goes to work on Primo before elevating him out.
PRIMO IS ELIMINATED
Rhodes goes for Foley, but Foley is in Cactus Jack mode, even hitting the Bang Bang, running knee and double-arm DDT. Gabriel and Cody try to get Rhodes out.
#8 - RICARDO RODRIGUEZ!!!
Ricardo does Alberto's full entrance with a car, but it's a really shitty car. And it's utterly hilarious.
Ricardo goes for Cody upon Foley's suggestion, but then Gabriel hits a dropkick. Foley & Rciardo then toss Gabriel
JUSTIN GABRIEL IS ELIMINATED
#9 - SANTINO MARELLA
Ricardo and Santino pair off, as they do some comedy spots. Santino wedgies Ricardo and tosses him out.
RICARDO RODRIGUEZ IS ELIMINATED
This leaves Foley & Marella as they both go for their socks. We have a stand off.
As you'd expect, Epico gets the Cobra and Socko out seconds after going in.
EPICO IS ELIMINATED
They finally have a sock fight, but Miz & Cody finally revive to break up this comedy. Cody tosses Santino and then saves Miz by tossing Foley out too.
SANTINO MARELLA & MICK FOLEY ARE ELIMINATED.
#11 - KOFI KINGSTON
Kofi works both heels over and hits a Boom drop tothe pair while on top of each other. Miz goes over, but he hangs on until Cody saves.
#12 - JERRY LAWLER
Jerry's music kicks in and he leaps up. Cole & Booker didn't twig that he was in his tights all night. Lawler works over Miz & Cody.
He hits the fist drop to Miz, but gets tossed right after by Cody.
JERRY LAWLER IS ELIMINATED
#13 - EZEKIEL JACKSON
Jackson works over everyone in the ring as Lawler rejoins the commentary team. Zeke hits a big side slam on Kofi before wailing on Cody in the corner.
#14 - JINDER MAHAL
Mahal takes his sweet-ass time in getting in. But then again, Jackson is entirely waiting for him. However, Miz & Kofi distract Jackson and he gets in safely.
#15 - THE GREAK KHALI
Mahal shits himself. Khali chops for everyone who dares. Bye Bye Jinder.
JINDER MAHAL IS ELIMINATED
Zeke gets a chop and clotheslined out.
EZEKIEL JACKSON IS ELIMINATED
#16 - HUNICO
Hunico comes out, along with Camacho on the low-rider bike. he hits a springboard crossbody on Kofi and the Angle Slam on Cody, but then walks into the Khali Chop. Khali works over Miz in the corner but he fights back.
#17 - BOOKER T
And suddenly, Booker isn't wearing any trousers all night, and Cold didn't notice this either!
Booker goes for everyone (Cody first), but then things don't go too well when he's left with Khali. He's saved when Cody decides to get too close and Khali elects to get him instead.
MIRACLE! Kofi gets bumped from the ring, but he WALKS ON HIS HANDS over to the corner and on the steps, so he's not out! John Morrison just got punked...
#18 - DOLPH ZIGGLER
Cole says since he's not champion, he could get in here. So don't expect Bryan or Punk then.
Guys are just randomly doing stuff right now as the ring fills up.
#19 - HACKSW JIM DUGGAN
Everyone bumps for Duggan other than Khali & Kofi doing their thing in the corner. Noggin' knocker for Miz & Cody. Duggan misses a corner charge and Cody clotheslines him out.
JIM DUGGAN IS ELIMINATED
Khali, Cody & Ziggler get Booker out. Cody gets Khali out as well.
#20 - MICHAEL COLE!
Cole strips down to his singlet! He's in! Hilarity. Suddenly Lawler & Booker are incredulous.
Cole mucks about while everyone else is working in the corners.
#21 - KHARMA?!?!?!
IT IS! When did she deliver?!?!?!
She kills Cole with a clothesline, so he jumps out to the apron and Lawler & Booker pull him off the apron to eliminate him.
MICHAEL COLE IS ELIMINATED
Dolph gets in her face and takes the Implant Buster.
Hunico Charges and is gone
HUNICO IS ELIMINATED
Dolph levers Kharma out.
KHARMA IS ELIMINATED
#22 - SHEAMUS
We'#re now getting down to the mear of the roster.
Sheamus goes after everyone with success. He dumps Kingston out.
KOFI KINGSTON IS ELIMINATED
Sheamus with the clubbing blows in the ropes. Miz gets some himself. he blocks the ZigZag.
#23 - ROAD DOGG
R O A D D O Double-G hits the Shake-Rattle & Roll on Cody & the Pumphandle Slam on Miz. "You Still got It" chants for Jesse James.
#24 - JEY USO
He comes out with Jimmy in formal dress. He goes for Road Dogg first, but then gives Miz a superkick, then the running ass splash to Dogg.
#25 - JACK SWAGGER
Much like evryone right now, Swagger hits anything that moves before homing in, first on Sheamus and then Uso.
#26 - WADE BARRETT
Wade has new music, so it's the end of days for "End Of Days". Road Dogg is tossed by Wade.
ROAD DOGG IS ELIMINATED
Wade and Sheamus pair off in the corner.
And lucky Number 27 is...
#27 - DAVID OTUNGA
Yeah, I don't think it's the lucky number this year... He just seems to join the random melee. Could so with a Randy orton doling out RKO's soon...
#28 - RANDY ORTON
Honestly, I typed that last sentence before Orton came out. Can I call them or what? Orton puts everyone down, but as he waits for Wade, Cody gets involved. As does Ziggler, so it's stereo Elevated DDTs for them.
JEY USO IS ELIMINATED
WADE BARRETT IS ELIMINATED
Both by Orton, Wade after a RKO
#29 - CHRIS JERICHO
He actually gets involved right away. No procrastination tonight, tossing Otunga.
DAVID OTUNGA IS ELIMINATED
And our final man in is...
#30 - BIG SHOW
And so Big Show wants another go. He pulled Swagger out the ring as Sheamus had him over the top rope and hits the WMD.
JACK SWAGGER IS ELIMINATED
Big Show shoves both Miz & Cody out in stereo.
THE MIZ IS ELIMINATED
CODY RHODES IS ELIMINATED
He tosses Ziggler.
DOLPH ZIGGLER IS ELIMINATED
We have out final four! Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, Big Show & Sheamus.
They all go for Big Show, but that doesn't work and indeed, Show pounds everyone. Chokeslam for Jericho, but he eats a RKO. Orton & Sheamus pick him up, and Orton manages to get him out. But Jericho shoves Orton out!
BIG SHOW IS ELIMINATED
RANDY ORTON IS ELIMINATED
We're left with Sheamus & Jericho.
Jericho points at the Mania sign as they slowly circle. They eventually get to it, and Sheamus gets the better of it. Jericho's bulldog is block and is nearly launches out, but Jericho hangs on and fights him off. Jericho with a missile dropkick from the second rope. Jericho however, runs into the irish Curse. Sheamus wants the Celtic Cross, but Jericho sl;ips out. Jericho clotheslines him to the apron. Jericho's double jump dropkick puts Sheamus down, but he remains on the apron. Jericho tires to push Sheamus off, but he kicks him away and hits the slingshot Battering Ram.
Sheamus tries to get Jericho over, but Jericho elbows out. The Brogue Kick misses and Jericho looks for the Walls Of Jericho, which he gets on, like it matters. Jericho lets the hold go when Sheamus gets to the ropes. Jericho charges, but gets elevated out. He hangs on though, and sends Sheamus into the corner. They fight up and they end up crotched on the apron. Jericho hits the Codebreaker and forgets there's no pinfalls in the match, going for one. Jericho gets Sheamus teetering, but can't get him over. Jericho's shots only anger Sheamus and he catches a Codebreaker, dumping Jericho. Jericho hangs on, but Sheamus waits and hits a Brogue Kick to knock Sheamus off. Sheamus is going to Mania!
A crapload of pyro goes off as Sheamus points at the Wrestlemania sign as the show ends.