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LESS THAN SIX BUCKS!
Hey everyone! Welcome to tonight's coverage of the final WWE PPV of the year, TLC with me AJW here at WWI. Man, that's some over-use of initials. LOL
Do keep checking back periodically, as per usual, for some of the finest WWE PVV coverage this side of...well...whichever side I'm on. Hey, it's friggin' freezing here right now. I'm not so good with the A-material in these working conditions. Anyway, the PPV is not long from starting, so I'll see you when it does!
I always love it when Sky Sports starts the feed early enough to see FBI piracy warning.
Our opening video is a Xmas tale with rhyming and everything. Good stuff actually. Funny and imaginative.
KASABIAN rock the theme this month. Don't know why it's the version of LL Cool J doing one short verse of rap. But I appreciate the class. At least it's not Downstrait. Cole & Lawler are your announcers, so I'm guessing Booker is doing nothing. This will upset our new TNA guy, Corey Letson. But hey, he's reviewing TNA. He'll have to get used to being upset.
Vickie Guerrero comes out and introduces Dolph Ziggler for out opener. Some dude at the corner of the aisle is very much anti-Ziggler and pro-Ryder.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder in a "Ryder better win, otherwise Cena will be within his rights to kick Ryder's ass, not a bad guy..." match for the US Title
Ziggler, naturally decides to shot off on every single offensive move early going, but Ryder catches a dropkick, catapults Ziggler into the corner and then send him out. He hits a somersualt splash to Ziggler on the outside, the same that injured Sin Cara. However, Ziggler hit a DDT of sorts on the apron, forcing Ryder to beat the count. This does establish Ziggler's control of the match though.
"Woo Woo Woo! Let's Go Ryder!" chants.
Ziggler downed Ryder and rather than do ANYTHING to win, he uses Ryder to anchor his feet in some press ups. Awesome. Ryder gets placed on top, but he slaps Dolph away and hits a missile dropkick for a 2 count. Ryder begins to build some momentum with forearms and then a facebuster. Forearm in the corner sets up the Broski Boot. That picks up 2 when Vickie puts Ziggler's foot on the rope. The referee promptly ejects Vickie. And Zack is the one confused.
They exchange rollups for 2 counts before Dolph hotshots Ryder off the ropes. Fameasser misses and Ryder gets a roll up for 2. The Fameasser connects and Ziggler gets 2. The Sleeper is blocked, but Ryder runs into a dropkick. Dolph bests the standing 10 first and heads up top, but Ryder cuts him off and hits a Frankensteiner out of the corner. It only picks up a close 2 count however. He sets up for the Rough Ryder, but Ziggler launches him into the corner for a 2 count.
Ryder blocks a charge and hits the Rough Ryder...THREE COUNT! NEW CHAMPION!
WINNER & NEW US CHAMPION - ZACK RYDER
We see a shot of his father and The Big O in the crowd marking out like mofo's! Cole isn't quite so happy. Ryder goes over and hugs it out with his dad.
That was a really fun opener with a lively crowd. Time for Ziggler to move on up.
Backstage, Booker T is with Alicia, who is standing in for Sharmell as they get hyped, but he gets jumped from behind by Cody Rhodes who puts the boots to him before he gets pulled off.
Rey, Big Show & Eve hawk Slim Jims for the troops.
Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston vs. Epico & Primo in a "I really should have seen this match coming and had a line here for it" match for the WWE Tag Titles
Epico gets a quick roll up on Evan to start. Evan gets one back. Evan ducks Epico's swings and hits a headscissors before making the tag. Kofi hits a dropkick for a 2 count.Primo gets a tag in, but both Colons each a dropkick from Kofi. they mention Primo is Carlos Colon's kid and one half of the first ever unified tag champions. Not one word on his brother who held them with him. Evan comes in and gets a headscissors on Primo, but get catches Bourne with a shot and tags in Epico. The catch Evan off a crossbody and dump him out the ring.
The cousins start working over Bourne in their corner making quick tags. Epico hits some rolling back suplexes for a 2 count, before Evan begins a comeback after getting out the Gory Special submission with the double knees. Kofi gets the hot tag as Primo comes in as well. He goes to work on the pair, knocking Epico down before hitting Primo with the Boom Drop. He set to finish, but Primo was wise to it. He was hit, however, with a crossbody. Things broke down with Evan hitting a dive to Epico on the floor while in the ring, Kingston hit Trouble In Paradise for the win.
WINNERS & STILL WWE TAG CHAMPIONS - EVAN BOURNE & KOFI KINGSTON
They send it TO THE BACK as Josh Mathews is outside the doctor's room, as he reports Booker is being looked over, but Cody was sporting a huge smile, so Josh was guessing the match was off.
We to backstage to see Teddy Claus Thuggin' & Buggin' as Hornswoggle showed up in an elf costume. Long called him a good little boy, but Horny pointed out that he had a beard, mature testees and he looked ridiculous. Long had a present for him, since his attempts to talk jive on RAW sucked. It was a Rosetta Stone course in Ebonics, in a cute visual gag. He stomped on Long's foot and the announcers laughed it up. It was funny, but it wasn't THAT funny.
Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett in a "I suppose you could say one of them is getting wood tonight..." Tables match
We kick things off with a slugfest, which Orton wins by hitting an early backbreaker. He goes for a table, but Barrett kicks the table into Orton's face. Wade gets the table, but as he tries to work it into the ring, Orton kicks it into Wade and then twangs it up in his face. Orton opens the table out at ringside before going to the aisle and the entrance, where there are TONS of tables set up there. Wade wants a pumphandle slam through one. However, Orton slipped out and they headed back down to the ring. Orton got an idea and climbed the steel steps. He wanted a suplkex from there to the set up table, but Wade blocked and rammed him into the ringpost. Wade with a big boot. Wade's temple is bleeding, but he's in control and setting up tables. He slides one in the ring and then opens one out at ringside. He lays Orton out on it, and climbed up the corner, but Orton rolled off the table.
Wade drove Orton into the side of the ring a couple of times before hitting an elbow out of the corner in the ring. He knees Orton a bunch in the ropes, right by the open table. Wade hits a big boot, but Orton managed to stay on the apron. Wade takes the in-ring table and props it in the corner. He goes for a powerslam, but Orton slips out and begins his comeback. The elevated DDT is blocked, and they both end up on the apron. Wade teases Wasteland through the table, but Orton slips out and hits the elevated DDT this time. Orton wants the RKO, but Wade pushes off, and as Orton stops short of the table, Wade hits the Bossman Slam.
Wade takes the table out of the corner and drops it on Orton's body. He places it to jump off the corner before laying Orton face-down on it. However, as he jumps, Orton slips off and hits the RKO through the table for the sudden victory.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
As Orton celebrates, Wade is selling his ribs. Which is fine, except that it was his legs that went through the table.
WWEshop.com touting for some last minute gift sales.
The Bellas argue it out with Teddy Claus as to who deserves a gift. Teddy rules they've both been bad, but screw that. he had a present for both. His phone number. Did Brie Bella ever use her misteltoe that she won? They leave digusted when Jack Swagger walks in. He complains about Mark Henry smacking him with the chair on Smackdown. Teddy didn't care, as Swagger pissed Henry off in the first place. Swagger continues to complain as Sheamus walks in. Sheamus said that Swagger reminded him of his cousin Cillian, who was, frankly, mentally deficient. Teddy Long does the inevitable. Sheamus vs. Swagger.
Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly in a "How many friggin' extra matches are we getting tonight???" match for the WWE Divas Title
We go back to Monday as Lita presented Kelly Kelly with a Slammy, only for Pin-Up Strong to try and steal it, hence this match. Cole notes that Kelly won the title in Baltimore, which is where they are tonight.
Beth BEGS Kelly to slap her again. Beth goes for one, but misses and Kelly scores. She then low-bridges Beth out the ring and hits a bulldog, jumping off the apron. She the drove Beth's face into the apron. She put on the headscissors hold in the ropes. However, as she charged the corner, she caught Kelly and dropped her on the top rope.
This allows Beth to work over Kelly, before locking on a camel clutch. She didn't give up, so Beth let the hold go, but she was caught with a cradle for 2. Kelly slipped out of a powerslam and hit a bulldog. K2 blocked a charge, but Beth caught the jump out of the corner, dumping Kelly down for a trio of 2 counts.
Beth headed up top, but missed a leg drop as Kelly rolled out of the way. The K2 was blocked and turned into a Glam Slam attempt. Kelly rolled through for 2, but then so did Beth. Beth then hit hit Big Show's old Alley Oop for the three count.
WINNER & STILL DIVAS CHAMPION - BETH PHOENIX
Alberto Del Rio is already berating Ricardo Rodriguez backstage. Something to do with his car. He tells Ricardo to get him some food as Miz comes up to him. Miz said that them taking Punk out was for the greater good, but when the bell rings... Del Rio said there was never an alliance in the first place. Miz said that Del Rio's reign was as uneventful as the Raven's Superbowl run. Miz compared Wrestlemania results with Del Rio. He beat Cena, while Del Rio lost to Edge and his shitty neck. Alberto said that Miz was nothing more than a Reality TV star who couldn't take either Ricardo or his pool boy. Ricardo returned and ended up with the food in his face and knocked on his ass by both men.
Santino is the Great Gazoo in the Rumble advert. Herpes is funnier.
We talk politics a little as Cole notes that all the troops are out of Iraq, sending it to a message from some troops.
Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T in a "Well, suffice to say that Booker isn't announcing this..." match for the Intercontinental Title
Booker T comes out, looking none the worse for wear, but once again, Cody Rhodes came out right behind him and attacked Booker from behind, laying in the shots and stomps to Booker in the aisle before officials get there to break it up. I guess the match really is off, hence the three extra ones. They take Booker to the back to check on him anyway.
Which is going to happen first. This match, or Brodus Clay's debut?
The announcers send it to a hype video for our next real match.
Triple H vs. Kevin Nash in a "I'd imagine Maffew at Botchamania is frankly tumescent right now..." Sledgehammer Ladder Match
FO' LIFE! FO' LIFE! FO' LIFE! If Kevin Nash's return here is positive for one solitary thing, it's the return of the nWo theme. And that probably is the only positive really.
I have a theory. Last time Kevin Nash was in a company that did ladder matches, it was TNA, where he'd witness the thing hung in the air just fall down at the slightest breeze, so he's agreed to this assuming the hammer will fall off at some point and thusly, he doesn't have to climb...
They start throwing bombs early on. HHH goes for a ladder, but Nash boots Hunter in the back before battering HHH into the timekeeper's position. Nash slowly heads back to the ring, but HHH leaps off the announce table like he's Jeff firggin' Hardy with the drug addiction and jail time onto Nash, before sending him over into the front row.
However, as Hunter charged, Nash hit a back elbow. Vinnie Vegas with Snake Eyes on the guardrail. However, HHH reverses a whip and sends Nash into the ringpost.
Earlier, Cole said JR wasn't making sense on Twitter. I thought this was heel schtick. However, JR is saying HHH& Nash are in top shape here. Cole's clearly right.
Back in the ring, HHH gets a standard ladder and starts using it to target Big Kev's famously weak knees. He sandwiches Nash's leg in a ladder and stomps on it a bt. He then puts Nash's leg through the ladder and locks on the Figure Four Leg Lock! Now that's gotta hurt...
@PeterDawson on Twitter: 4 match changes, 3 blown quads, 2 old men and a sledgehammer hanging like a tree!
Anyway, this literal torture ends with Nash whipping HHH into a ladder in the corner, HHH spilling to the floor. Nash set up the ladder horizontally on the second rope, before bringing HHH back in and hitting a side slam onto another ladder. He works HHH over some more, including a catapult into the ladder in the corner before clearing the announce desk. The Jacknife through it is blocked with a shitty backdrop.
HHH goes for a climb, but Nash cuts him off. He elects not to go for the sledgehammer, but instead sets up the ladder in the corner, sends HHH into it and then hits a chokeslam. Nash decides to pull out a table. I guess it's now a SLC match. He sets it up in the ring, pulls down the straps, but HHH drives Nash into the ladder. HHH uses the ladder to jab Nash out of the ring before setting it up and going for a climb, ominously right by the table in the ring.
Nash gets in the ring and meets HHH up top. HHH swings the sledgehammer into Nash, and sends him down through the table. HHH unhooks the sledgehammer, but Lawler asks "what more can he do?". HHH goes wild jabbing ol' Sledgy into Nash's knees and ribs. HHH drops the hammer and looks for the Pedigree, which he gets the second time of asking when Nash's leg just gave out on the first go. The crowd wants another. I just want this to end. HHH interprets this as using the hammer. Nash throws up the Wolfpac signal, but HHH tells him where to go, hits him in the head and pins Nash for the win.
This felt like it went forever. The crowd seemed to enjoy it, but without Hogan/Sting and Flair/Sting this year, this would be worst "major" match of the year, in all likelihood. At least for me. HHH mouths to Nash "You're Fired" before Nash is carted away.
In the back, Matt Striker is with CM Punk, as they shoot it back to Monday night and Punk's beating. Punk said he had six days to watch it over and over. It was painful, but he saw something even more painful. It was more painful than Alberto butchering the language and Miz trying to be a tough guy. No, more painful was Johnny Ace was accepting his Superstar Of The Year award on his behalf. He hasn't even been Superstar Of The Last 30 Seconds. He hasn't even gotten the trophy. Johnny Ace came up and they exchanged bon mots. Ace said, he'd be the bigger man tonight, since he's taller and wished Punk good luck. Punk said luck was for losers. Punk left and Johnny got out his phone.
Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger in a "You'd think I'd have thought of something by now for this..." match
Swagger gets some shots in, but all this did was et Sheamus to tell him to bring it. Sheamus fought back and took control. Swagger ducked a clothesline, but the abdominal stretch was denied, and he set up the Unreastra before clotheslining Swagger out. A suplex back into the ring was blocked, so Swagger punched him back down. However, a Vickie distraction allowed Swagger to drive Sheamus into the ringpost and take control.
The Swagger Bomb picked up a 2 count. Swagger put in some kidney shots, but this annoyed Sheamus into a comeback. Axe ahndles and clubs to the back in the corner ended with a powerslam for 2. Sheamus went to head up top for the Battering Ram, but Swagger knocked him to the floor. Sheamus returned the ringpost driving and guardrail ramming favours from earlier before rolling Jack back in and hitting the Battering Ram this time. That picked up a close 2 count. Sheamus called for the Brogue Kick, but Swagger ducked and took out the leg. Swagger hit a Swagger Bomb variatn, dropping an elbow on the leg before locking on the ankle lock. Sheamus managed to get Swagger off of him. Swagger leg clip missed and he got up into Sheamus's Brogue Kick for the win.
WINNER - SHEAMUS
Josh Mathews was with Big Show for some final thoughts. Big Show was hyped up as Henry hadn't beaten him since he came back and he had chairs to get his hands on. He was feeling his 9-year drought was over, and it would end in a giant way.
Don't try this at home. Unless you're home contains a regularion ring and you're trained in professional wrestling. Then fill your boots.
Mark Henry vs. Big Show in a "I assume they are having a chairs match so that they can not only brutalise each other, but also take a seat should they get gassed..." Chairs match for the World Title
Big Show's attire had army camo on it. Lillian Garcia gives it the main event introductions. Big Show ducks out the ring right away and goes all Terry Funk on us, tossing every chair available into the ring. After tossing at least a dozen in, Show grabs one and gets in the ring himself. Henry decides that discretion is the better part of valour and decides he's going to take his leave for the evening. Big Show gives chance and ducks a belt shot to wail on Henry with a chair before laying in the gut shots. Henry gets the drop on Show and manages to use a chair on the back of show. He rammed the hand of Show onto the steel steps before they headed back into the ring. Chair swings met, jarring Show's now-injured hand. Show tries to hit some shots, but every right hand is hurting Show more than it's hurting Henry. Henry sets up the hand in the chair and stomps on it. Henry sets up some chairs in a pile, but a slam was blocked by Show. However, the chokeslam was broken. However, as Henry took a swing, he walked into the WMD with the injured hand and lo and behold, he picks up the three count!
WINNER & NEW WORLD CHAMPION - THE BIG SHOW!
Wow, that finish came out of nowhere. I thought with the hand selling and minor struggle to roll Henry over, it would be a 2 count.
Right after the match, Henry got up and hit Big Show with a chair before hitting a DDT onto the chair pile...
And here comes Daniel Bryan!
Bryan pins the unconscious Show and wins!
WINNER & NEW WORLD CHAMPION - DANIEL FRIGGIN' BRYAN!!!!
Cole can't believe it as Daniel Bryan SCREAMS in Cole's face. Big Show can't believe it either. However, as he watches Bryan celebrate, he does seem to have the look of "OK, you got me". So much for the champion having to be able to defend himself.
Suffice to say there's your major talking point for the show. What HHH & Nash match?
The Benny Benassi/Skrillex-backed WWE Network advert.
We go backstage and Josh is with Booker and Booker is going to go for it tonight. Josh tries to talk him out of it. Booker said he wasn't going out like a sucka. He didn't ask for the fight, but he was going to finish it.
Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T in a "Take 2..." match for the Intercontinental Title
Cody comes out first this time, and he's wise to the idea of Booker jumping him from behind. Booker is all over Cody like white on rice in the early going. He hits a couple of scoop slams, but a third is countered. Cody walks into a thrust kick and picks up a 2 count. Cole thinks, given the night thus far, Booker is probably going to win. Booker rams Cody's head on the guardrail before leaving a guy hanging. However, Rhodes catches Booker coming back into the ring, and hits a forearm to send Booker to the floor. He sends Booker into the guardrail before bringing Booker back in with a butterfly hold. Booker gets back to his feet and out of it, but Cody telegraphs a backdrop. Cody locks on a Full Nelson on the mat, but Booker again gets back to his feet and breaks the hold. They end up clotheslining each other down. They both get up at 8 and we have a slugfest. Booker ends up winning with running forearms and a side slam for a 2 count. Spinebuster by Booker. Cody rolls to the ropes as Booker starts feeling a comeback spinarooni. However, he's sluggish and woozy in getting up. He misses the Axe Kick and takes the Beautiful Disaster for a 2 count, much to Cody's chagrin. Cody hit another one, and this time, Rhodes picked up the three.
WINNER & SILL IC CHAMPION - CODY RHODES
Austin DVD advert.
Cole & Lawler try to assess the night's events, starting with Zack Ryder's US Title win and Daniel Bryan's successful and valid MITB cash in.
CM Punk vs. The Miz vs. Alberto Del Rio in a "Yeah, that's right, John Cena's name doesn't appear in there..." Triple Threat TLC match for the WWE Title
Ricardo was still messed up from his abuse earlier in the night. Punk does the Jeff Hardy thing of going under a few of the ladders.
By the way, Kim Jong Il is reportedly passed on. As @WWEUniverse points out on Twitter, "What is it with dictators and terrorists dying on WWE PPV nights?!?!" Punk works over both opponents early like it's a scene from RTWM on WWE 12. However, the heels team up again to take it to Punk, giving him a double Stungun off the top rope before working him over.
They decide to get their own ladders, but Rodriguez runs interference long for Miz to be distracted and for Del Rio to get the jump on Miz with a chair jab to the gut. Del Rio then picks up a small ladder, but is met with a suicide dive from Punk. In the ring, Miz takes control of Punk, but a chair-assisted splash in the corner is avoided. Punk hits the high knee, but the bulldog onto the chair is blocked and turned into a back suplex.
Miz goes for a ladder, but catches Del Rio's charge. He goes for the SCF onto a ladder, but Del Rio counters and hits a backdrop onto the ladder. Del Rio grabs a ladder, but gets it kicked into him by Punk.
Punk & Del Rio tease suplexing each other through a table, but neither manages it, although Punk downs ADR. Miz comes in, but misses with a chair, allowing Punk to go buck on Miz's back.
Miz is set up at ringside, and Punk hits the high knee sending Miz into the front row. Punk goes for a big ladder and gets it in the ring, going for a climb. Ricardo Rodriguez cuts Punk off and handcuffs Punk to the ladder! Del Rio comes in with a superkick and some stomps. Del Rio climbs, but Punk breaks the strut of the ladder he was cuffed to and tips it over. He punches Del Rio with the cuffs as knux before hitting a flapjack onto the ladder. Miz sneaks in the ring as Punk leaves for a ladder, and Miz catches Punk with a ladder shot as he runs back in. Miz gets close on a climb, but Punk cuts him off. The GTS is blocked, but Punk drives shoulders to the gut in the corner. Punk sets up Miz for a suplex to the table to the floor. However, Del Rio hits the step=up enziguri to Punk sending him through it alone.
Alberto goes to work on Miz in the aisle, giving Miz the Cross Armbreaker through the ladder. Miz taps like a bitch, but that doesn't matter diddily-squat. Del Rio gets himself a couple of chairs, puts one on Punk and gives that chair a chair shot. He then uses a chair to apply a Cross Armbreaker. Del Rio is now free to have a climb all on his own as his opponents have sore arms. Suspiciously, Del Rio places the ladder way off, and indeed, as he climb, Punk & miz combine to tip the ladder over, with Del Rio crotching himself. Punk & Miz duke it out, but end up taking each other out. This leaves just Ricardo, so he decides to give it a go. However, Punk & Miz tip the ladder over backwards and Ricardo takes a NASTY bump through a table at ringside hitherto unseen on screen. He'll be fine (hopefully), but it looked scary. Punk & Miz trade finisher attempts. Punk hits a spinning back elbow, but misses a charge. Miz handcuffs Punk to the turnbuckle. Miz taunts Punk by being just out of reach of punches. However, he's not out of reach of a roundhouse kick. However, Punk is the only one standing and yet, he's cuffed.
Del Rio is alive once again as Punk starts undoing the turnbuckle. However, he comes in with a small ladder while Miz recovers and sets up the bigger ladder. Punk gets the turnbuckle off and wails away on both opponents. He knocks Miz down and then kicks Del Ro down. Miz manages to pull Punk down and climb. Punk pulls him down and hits the Go To Sleep. Punk climbs up and claims the title.
WINNER & STILL WWE CHAMPION - CM PUNK
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, CM Punk & Daniel Bryan are your WWE and World Champions heading into 2012.
Nash vs. HHH was better than it had any right to be, but it still sucked. The extra matches added nothing. But the other matches on the card pretty much delivered and delivered pretty big. Going by the old adage of a rating system, I'd give this a Thumbs in the middle leaning up quite heavily.