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Crazy Uncle Ralph on... Jessie "The Body" Dumbass, Samoa Joe's Bike Shop, Judging Jenna, Linda Hogan's Available, Muppet Balls, and More

By Crazy Uncle Ralph Jul 29, 2009 - 6:22 PM print

So Mallory Mahling's not here this week. She called me up and goes, "Ralph. Column. Do it. Now!" Me? I said yes. Know why? She's hot. There. I said it. Hot.

Mallory likes the reality TV and whatnot and I wanted to keep with tradition. So I downed some Jack Daniels, changed the TV off of the Spice Channel, and well, this is what you get.

- Jessie on Big Brother 11 told his fellow housemates that he came to L.A. to be a "WWE Superstar." Considering that WWE is located in Connecticut, I'd say he's a moron. Then again, that might increase his chances. Stupid people don't ask questions like, "Why do I have to wear this dress?" Or,"Why am I fighting a leprechaun?" Or, "Why do we have to have a birthday party after Raw for your daughter's husband?"

- It should be noted that Jessie has no wrestling experience. So that doubles his chances of a contract.

- Also on Big Brother, one guy told another guy that "This isn't WWE, I'll knock your ass out." I like that guy. I actually use that phrase all the time. I just used it this morning at the bank. People tend to be more helpful when you threaten them with violence. If that guy stays on the show, he should use that phrase all the time. On the last episode, when they ask why he should win, he should stand up and go, "This isn't WWE, I'll knock your ass out." He'd be my hero.

- Speaking of my hero, what the hell is going on with Samoa Joe? Maybe if he spent less time trying to draw pretty designs on his face with a marker, he'd have more time to go for titles.

- Also, his relationship with Taz is creepy. He's really into him. It reminds me of the Bicycle Shop episode of Diff'rent Strokes.

- Jenna from Survivor wrestled at the TNA pay-per-view. So that means almost no one saw it. Those who did see it, hated it. She went online and told off all them journalists. Her reasoning was that she's not fully trained, so you can't hold her to the same standards as the others. Strangely enough, that's the same argument I used when I got fired from Taco Bell on my first day for peeing in the guacamole. They bought it about as much as the "journalists" did.

- It's now been over a month since "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" ended and Torrie Wilson still isn't the winner.

- The Hogans got divorced. Awww. I guess that means that Linda is on the market. By "on the market," I mean "not hot."

- Shaq. ZZ Top. Jeremy Piven. Where they hell is Ron Jeremy? If anyone needs to host Raw, it's him. Then again, they're doing that kid-friendly crap. So here's my idea - put a Muppet on the end of his…well, you know. Have him do the ABCs with it or something. If you thought Shaq got mainstream attention, just picture what they'd get with video footage of Ron singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" with his weenis. Now that's money.

- 7-11 is sponsoring Summerslam. I had a sponsor once. He kept telling me not to drink, so I killed him. Hopefully this WWE deal turns out better than mine did.

- This week, CM Punk did an interview and said that TNA isn't competition for WWE. When asked what was, he said "falling asleep during two hours of crap."

- There's a new reality show called "Dating In The Dark." They have people date each other in a dark room. It's similar to what I do, only instead of turning out the lights, I just use a black garbage bag, duct tape, and a stun gun. No one gave me a show. Bastards.

Drink 'em if you got 'em. I'm out like gout…which I don't have…anymore.

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