Greetings. Salutations. Aloha. Chitty, chitty, bang, bang, and all that noise. It’s your Crazy Uncle Ralph here again for another round of PPV predictions – Backlash style. Ready to know what I think?

I can’t hear you!

I said…ready to know what I think?

I still can’t hear you!

I said...Oh wait. That’s because you can’t hear people when you’re writing for them. They read it after you’ve written it. I forget sometimes. God, this bottle of Wild Turkey has my head all fycoked up. My bad. Let’s get to the show, punks.

1.Ric Flair vs. Umaga

I love Umaga. Why? ‘Cause he does the Coke Machine style chop, chop, chops. I also dig the tribal face paint he wears. Any man who wears face paint is either one of three things. He’s either:

a) A drag queen,

b) A clown.

c) F**kin’ crazy.

Umaga is f**kin’ crazy, boy. You see that video of him slapping the shit out of the Spirit Squad kid? Huh? Bam! You don’t much crazier than that. He’s inspired me. Last week, I painted up my face and hid in the ball pit at McDonald’s. I waited for the little kids to walk by with their Happy Meal Toys and I’d jump out screaming "UMAGA!" They’d scream, cry, drop the toy, and run. Just like that – I got a new toy. The kids who didn’t run away, got chopped for their troubles. Chop, chop, chop….UMAGA!

Winner: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo MAGA!

2. Carlito vs. Chris Masters

Carlito spits in the face of people who don’t want to be cool. I spit in the face of the girl who works at the Shoprite near my house. Carlito gets a match at Backlash. I get locked up for the night. Where’s the justice?

Winner: Carlito

3. Women’s Title Match: Mickie James (c) vs. Trish Stratus

I love this feud and not just for the lesbian kisses (although lesbian kisses help). Trish and Mickie have a great chemistry together. I like watching them work the angles (and kiss), do the skits (and kiss), wrestle their matches (and kiss), and build their characters. Of course, kissing is always good too. I love these girls. Oh man, I know the three of us would get along just great if I could just meet them…and prepare them each a drink with my special Uncle Ralph Sleepy Powder. Oh yeah. Stratusfaction guaranteed, baby!

Winner: I’m going with Mickie, but don’t worry Trish – I still love you.

4. Kane vs. Big Show

On May 19^th, Kane is going to turn into a ten-year-old boy. That’s right. You ever see "Big?" That’s what this is. It’s Big. Kane’s a little kid that made a wish. On May 19^th, he’s going to disappear into a puff of smoke and step out as a little kid. Now that would be friggin’ awesome. As for the Big Show, I didn’t like him with two eyes, so I’m guessing I’ll like him even less with one. Bah. Go get him, Big Red Little Boy. Rip his nose off this time!

Winner: Kane

5. Intercontinental Title vs. Money in the Bank:  Shelton Benjamin (c) vs. Rob Van Dam

Where’s Shelton’s mama? Damn. That chick was hot! You know, everyone is on the RVD bandwagon since he won the Money in the Bank. Me? I’m not a big fan. Maybe it’s the drunken lifestyle vs. the potheaded one, but I think that Mr. Monday Night needs to get some more killer instinct. They should make Benjamin steal his stash of something. Light a fire under his Van Dam ass, just like that little whistle guy with the bad teeth used to do for him in ECW.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin (giving Rob his high profile loss prior to his title shot on the ECW Show)

6. Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels and God

I don’t even know what to say here. WWE has found a way to sell something that they don’t even have. I’d like to think that God wouldn’t work for Vince McMahon. Then again, everyone works for Vince McMahon. Hell, I work for Vince McMahon. I help him hide the bodies. Uh oh…I’ve said too much.

The real question is: Who plays God? I’m with James Guttman on this one. It’s either Triple H playing heel and reforming DX…or it’s a beam of light. I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw a guest appearance by the real God during the bout, though. It all just depends on how drunk I am by the time this match starts.

Winner: Shawn Michaels and God

7. WWE Title Match:  John Cena (c) vs. Triple H vs. Edge

Last month, I predicted Triple H to win the WWE Title. The company screwed me, though. They kept the title on John even though no one wanted to see that happen. So, to be safe, I’m going to go with Lance Cade as the winner of this one. Why? Cause no one wants to see that happen either and WWE seems to like giving fans what they don’t want.

Winner: Lance "Garrison" Cade