WrestleMania 23,000 is on Sunday.
This ain't your grandma's WrestleMania.
For starters, your grandma's WrestleMania probably smells like mothballs and pee.
Secondly, people gave a flying fark about your grandma's WrestleMania.
Friggin' Andre the Giant, baby!
Nowadays no one gives a damn about pay-per-views.
No one pays to view things too much anymore.
Hell, even movies in theaters are online.
But WWE has money to make so here's WrestleMania.
You people will vote it PPV of the Year come December, even if the show sucks the proverbial bizalls.
Daniel Bryan vs. U.S. Champion Sheamus
I like Sheamus.
'Cause that's what I say to drunken girls as they cry after having sex with me.
I look at them and ask, "Shame, Miss?"
Plus, Daniel Bryan is kind of a little wiener looking guy.
I know he's tough and all that stuff, but he's a little guy who don't eat meat.
What the hell is that about?
Eat meat, you son of a bitch!
It's friggin' good for you!
I once stole a pot roast from Pathmark by sticking it in my pants.
The kicker - I was wearing shorts.
That tells you how much I like to eat meat.
That's why it offends me when people don't eat it.
I know the argument is that there will be more meat for me, but f**k that.
I don't want Daniel Bryan's goddamned reject meat.
Screw him and screw that meat.
John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and Snooki vs. Lay-Cool and Dolph Ziggler
The person who airbrushed Snooki's promo picture should be nominated for a Nobel Prize.
You see the picture of Snooki and think, "She's alright.
Big hair, but she's ok looking, I guess."
Then they go to a live shot of her and this chick looks like Rumplestilskin.
She should be hobbling around going, "Say - my - name!
That would be the shit.
I would never ever get with Snooki - and I've gotten with some pretty regrettable women.
Luckily this match has Trish and Lay Cool in it.
WWE threw in Dolph and Morrison to make sure I don't finish, uh, enjoying it too soon.
Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes
Cody Rhodes is a disappointment to me and I'll tell you why.
When my braindead nephew James first told me he was coming to WWE, I thought he said, "Grody Rhodes."
So I thought he was like all gross and was gonna flick his boogers at people.
I seriously thought that.
Like Kathie Lee Gifford's kid.
I get Kathie Lee Gifford and Dusty Rhodes confused all the time, so that make sense.
Rey Mysterio is a fun little guy.
Sin Cara is a fun little guy too.
Something tells me WWE ain't little enough for two fun little guys.
I say you give 'em swords and let them sort it out.
I'd like to see Sin Cara try that armbar shit with no head.
As for this match, it's whatever.
I'm going with Cody so WWE can start telling Rey about how he's getting past his prime and try to pay him less.
Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole
Michael Cole said the "F" word on Twitter.
You think it's f**k, right?
Yo, did Guttman put those shitty little stars in there in place of the u and c, again?
Quit editing me, you - wonderful nephew - .
It's not f**k.
It's the gay slur.
You know the one.
You can't say it on Twitter.
You also can't say it to kids Trick or Treating at your door on Halloween, either.
Learned that one the hard way.
Long story short.
There're now too many "f" words.
I say we all just start saying f**k.
It should be allowed now.
He put the stupid stars in there again, right?
Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
Randy Orton is my favorite wrestler.
He doesn't look normal.
If he had a DVD retrospective of his career, every scene would be called, "That Motherf**ker's Crazy."
CM Punk is pretty cool too.
I like that WWE gets how I hate people who don't drink or do drugs or…um, iceskate?
Is that the third one?
I just hate this guy.
Boo to him and his flat greasy hair.
I think he could be a cool guy, though.
If he'd go out with me for a few shots, I'm sure I'd be able to convince him to go to Daniel Bryan's house and stick a honey baked ham down his throat.
Randy Orton wins.
That's my guess.
Then he kills everyone.
Every. Single. Person.
Undertaker vs. Triple H
I like Hunter Hearst Stephanie a lot but I like him when he's hitting people in the head with big old Bugs Bunny hammers.
Instead, he's doing all this talking and puffing his chest out like a nine year old on the playground trying to act tough.
You gonna pass out!
Undertaker's streak isn't ending this year.
If it does, everyone sucks because the guy has to at least make it to 20.
Give me a break.
He came this far only to lose right before 20?
What sense would that make?
You know this shit is planned ahead of time, right?
It's not like baseball or something where it's like, "Uh oh.
They didn't win the big game.
They write this shit!
Why write it so that he loses one show before the 20-0 match?
They might as well let him fight Mario Lopez.
It hasn't happened yet and he already won.
Congratulations, dead guy.
I really enjoyed your wife's match.
WWE Champion Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio
I don't really care much about this match either.
Alberto's theme song makes me think of the waiting area at the Chi Chi's by my house and it always makes me hungry.
So I run to the kitchen to get some nachos and cheese and shit and when I come back, he's done already.
So I've seen him wrestle for about nine seconds the whole time he's been here.
Call me when Christian turns.
John Cena vs. The Miz - Rock thrown in there somewhere
So check this out - true story.
A few weeks ago, I was walking through the bad part of town and I see this guy leaning against a store across the street.
He's counting some money and wearing a Rock T-Shirt.
So I go, "Yo!
I point at myself to tell him I'm a fan and yell, "Me!
So he nods and yells, "Go 'round the corner!"
So I did…and this other guy hands me a bag of crack.
The cops thought so too.
I like John Cena.
I said it.
I like his purple shirts and smiley face.
I look at him and think, "Damn.
I wish I was happy like him."
I envy him.
What a happy guy.
If he had a DVD retrospective of his career, every scene would be called, "That Motherf**ker's Happy."
The Miz never impressed me because his name sounds like "Jizz."
It also the title lesbians and spinsters used to use in the 80s when she didn't want business associates to ask why she's unmarried.
I go with…I DOESN'T MATTER WHO I GO WITH!
This thing ain't about the WWE Title.
It hasn't been about the title since 1992.
It's all about the glory.
With the title or without, Cena is going on to do something high profile and he can either have an extra belt to lug around with him or not.
Official guess - Miz wins after Rock whips that boy like a government prostitute.
No Money in the Bank this year.
I have no money in the bank.
When I do, I spend it on fast women, fast cars, and fast food.
Oh, and WrestleMania, I guess.
I spend it on that. To quote Kathy Lee Gifford, "It's a happenin', baby, if you willllll…"