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Crazy Uncle Ralph's Smackdown Report: Boogeys, Smoke, and the NWO Kid
By Crazy Uncle Ralph
(
JG Note: This week, our resident drunken, violent, sexist, and crazy Uncle Ralph is covering Smackdown. ZAH will be back soon to start covering the show in real time. In the mean time, here's Ralph. He demanded he be allowed to do this. Please accept our apologies.)
There's music video about a kid in an N.W.O. shirt, the old guy he calls dad, and the old guy he calls his opponent. I always thought the Boogeyman was green. You know, like a boogey. His entrance smoke nearly chokes the arena to death. There's some worm eating too. In the end, The Boogerface beats The Italian guy - not the big one, the other one. After the match the big Italian guy tried to talk his smack, but Snotty just forcefeeds his friend some creepy crawlers. All the fellas in the back are watching on a monitor. The fruity Resistance guy thinks the whole thing is disgusting. Imagine that, Sylvan. Putting slimy things in your mouth. Ewww. You wouldn't do that, now would'ya, sailor? Cowboy Dad tells his son to go see a shrink. My dad told me that once. So I stabbed him. Ah, we still laugh about that story. Family bonding at its best, bitches. The Undertaker has a long history in the Hell in a Cell match. Then again, he has a long history of everything because he's 80. The N.W.O. kid is seeing a shrink. The shrink asks him why he's so upset, so he tells him. He talks about how the Cell destroys people and ruins lives. Sounds like my ex wife. That friggin' bit…sorry. I got off track. The shrink tells Dandy Randy to make his choice between life and death and make it now. The Deacon with the big mouth is getting ready for his big match. Suddenly the hot chick that manages his opponents comes into the room. She rubs his shoulders so he nails her. They don’t show the nailing on TV, but they imply it. Hey. Call that lady. Tell her to come to my house. I'm preparing for a big match too. I can use some boom boom, mama. Kid Kash is going to fight Hoovintood at the pay thing. Tonight he fights Super Crazy, which is a sick ass name. Kid wins. Then again, if this kid knew so much about cash, he'd know that it doesn't start with a K. Dummy. Shrink appointment's over, dad. Randy decided to change his life. Tonight the young Orton will make a life-changing announcement. Uh oh. You don't think he's gonna…you know, come out, do you? Back in the Boom Boom Room, the Deacon is all done doing the diva and he's getting ready to leave. She asks if his match against M & Ms (Peanut and Plain) will be cancelled and he says no. I'll tell ya. I give that man respect. I usually just pass the f**k out after I'm done. I roll over and Zzzzzzzzzzzz…… The five foot kid in the Halloween mask teams with Batista the babe banger to beat MNM for the tag titles. Again, the arena is choked with smoke. WWE wants to kill the crowd. They must hate you people a lot. Bobby Lashley beat Winston Burchill. That kid's a friggin' monster. If I went to a bar with him, I'd just start spitting at people when I walked through the door. A set of implants and teeth interviews Matt Hardy. He gets interrupted by JBL, who wants some interview time. He ranks on Hardy for being a Net geek. Then he hits Matt in the face. A brawl breaks out until old men in button up shirts split them up. That Hardy kid can't talk right. He sounds like he's reading cue cards. If I was the cue card guy, I'd hold up a sign that says "I'm Matt Hardy and I like to play with my weenis." That would be funny as hell. Teddy Long and the shrink are hanging out. The shrink won't tell him anything because he's not allowed. Long gets mad and calls him a shrink. An argument breaks out and the shrink calls Hell in a Cell barbaric. In the other room, Batista is hugging the little kid. Then he calls him "baby." For a minute, I get worried that he's gonna bang him. Then the N.W.O. kid comes into the room. Now I'm really scared that they're both gonna bang him. Instead, Randy congratulates Batista implies that he's retiring. Luckily, no one gets banged. Booker T fought Matt Hardy with Bradshaw doing commentary. At one point, the annoying wife brings her broom into the ring. It's supposed to be a diss on Chris Benoit because he might get swept in the Best of 7 series. For a second, I thought she was just being a good wife and offering to clean the ring. With the ref mesmerized by the broom, JBL attacks Cue Card Boy and set him up for a loss to the dreadlock man. Randy Orton's coming to the ring. He tells his dad that he needs to do it by himself. Awwww. He can do an interview without his daddy. How nice. What a big boy. I guess the N.W.O. kid comes out of the closet after the break. We're back and the kid is in the ring. He's proud of his accomplishments. He's heckled. He's boring. I need a beer. I'm back and the fans are still heckling him. He says that no one could kill the legend of the Undertaker. No one. So, what's the point? Screw it. He tries to back out of the match, but Teddy Long won't let him. Mr. Jefferson comes to the ring and demands that he follows his contract. Ha ha. That's what they said to Brock Lesnar! He threatens to sue the daddy's boy if he doesn't come to Armageddon. There's some arguing and Randy says he'd rather go to court than the Cell. He's retiring and that's that. Lights hit and Undertaker, along with his Monks, comes out to confront him. The kid begs off, but one of the monks takes off his hood. Wouldn't ya know it? It's Cowboy Dad. He's an Undertaker Monk! It was a set up. This shocks the Old Dead Man and the kid goes to town on his face. Punches, kicks, and all that. Doesn't do much as the Grandpataker sits up. So the kid knocks him down with a chair. He hits the mat and Randy whales away on him with the chair over an over. That's what I do to those kids that sell candy bars outside the supermarket. They say, "Sir, can you spare some money for the children." I say, "I can spare an as kicking, ponchy." Then I commence with the beatings. I go to jail every year for that. It's not Chrstmas unless I get sent to the clink for beaing a kid with a chair. Randy goes on to beat him with an urn too. That's an idea. Next time I go to the supermarket, I'm gonna bring an urn with me. Let's see those kids deal with that. Punks. Show ends and I can finally change the TV back to the Spice channel. Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com : Aaron
Aguliera Christian
Cage Jackie
Gayda Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Bruno
"Harvey Wippleman" Lauer Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Diamond
Dallas Page Harley
Race Sylvester
Terkay
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| All content contained here Copyright 2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
