Yo. It's your Uncle Ralph. Holla at your boy. You're probably asking yourself, "Stanly…" (if your name is Stanly)…"Stanly, what is Ralph doing here this week? Where's Aaron Wood? He's not here this week? I hope it's nothing not serious!"
I'm not sure. Guttman calls me and he asks me to cover so I ask where Woody Woodpecker is. He doesn't tell me but I assume that he robbed a few banks or ate some bad sheep stomach stuffed with scotch tape or whatever the hell they do over in the Unified Kingdom. So, as I was saying, Guttman asks if I'll cover and I go "no". So he goes, "You don't do anything around here. At least I write stuff."
So I then start singing the song "The Right Stuff" by the New Kids on The Block but I don't know the words so it just becomes me screaming and coughing into the phone. He gets all annoyed and finally I tell him that I'll do it as long as he lets me start it off with the remix song about the lady with the dog who bit her on her vagina on TV.
The rest is history.
Smackdown opens with Randy Orton. You know that guy? He's all mad. Teddy Long is sorry he's mad. But it's out of their hands. Randy has a concussion and that Harvard kid gives them a hard time about it so he can't wrestle tonight or on Sunday - or Saturday too but they don't mention that so I assume it since it comes between today and Sunday. But I digress. Rand's told that Daniel Bryan isn't here yet, but he's on his way with a bag of broccoli and Orton has to get going. Now bounce. Randy leaves but not before huffing and puffing. I know this is unrelated but why is the champion late for work but the guy who can't wrestle is there early and dressed in little trunks? Vegans don't believe in watches either? Bastard,
They play the Smackdown song. I like the He Bite Me In My Vagina song better.
Big Show's head is cold and he's out next. He's teaming with The Great Khali. His head is fine. I mean, he's not cold. Not that I think he's fine in the R&B sense. Then again, I still have more drinking to do. Ask me at the end of the show.
Their first opponent is Cody Rhodes. Ever notice how Dusty Rhodes's kids are in good shape for the most part? Think that's because he ate all the food in the house and left nothing for them but vegetables and beans? His partner is slimy Wade Barrett. When Wade Barrett has to grease a cookiesheet, he headbutts the pan.
Big Show & Great Khali vs. Cody Rhodes & Wade Barrett in an Aaron Names All These Matches So I Do Too Just To Annoy Him And Say Things Like "USA! USA! USA!" Match
The match wasn't bad which is surprising considering that Khali doesn't do much other than slap people like my ex wife. At ringside, Michael Cole and Josh Matthews talk to Booker T as if he was a real person and wasn't high. I think it's nice. In the ring, Khali does all the work and then Big Show tags in and gets the pin. Now he can go play with his wool caps or eat patio furniture or whatever he does.
Afterwards, he argues with Khali and punches him in the face. Josh Matthews goes, "The WMD! Weapon of Mass Destruction!" It's a punch in the face, goober. You don't name your punches. Douchebags do that. They go, "Oh yeah! I'm gonna hit ya with the pepper and then sting ya with the ol' hammer!" I usually punch them in the face before they get to pepper.
Back from the commercial, Teddy Long's on the phone with his arch rival Tommy Short. He's interrupted by Mark Henry. Henry tells Long that he wants to be in the Elimination Chamber Sunday. Big Show runs in and says he wants to be in Daniel Bryan tonight. Or something like that. Mark tells Show to get lost and gets hit by the Pepper of Mass Destruction. Big then destroys a few lamps until Teddy Long agrees to his request. He finally does. Mark Henry and Big Show eat him and the segment ends.
WWE went to the Middle East. They sent Miz too which is technically a war crime.
During the commercial, Big Show and Mark Henry threw up Teddy Long and put him back together. Now he's talking to security and telling them that he's going to get them backup to protect him from Show.
Hunico and Camacho ride to the ring on a bicycle that makes it look like they're banging each other. I ain't kidding either. One of the Boriquas is all thugged out and wants to beat up Ted DiBiase for not inviting him to a DiBiase Posse Party. Guttman went to one of them and said it was kinda crappy. He took my great nephew too. I was pissed. I was like, "What if he stole the baby and sold it? How you think they got so much money? It's either baby selling or crack! You let my great nephew take a picture with a crack dealer!? HOW DARE YOU!" Then I hit him with the Pepper and the Hammer.
Hunico vs. Ted DiBiase in a Baby Stealing Crack Dealer vs. Sin Cara Match
I like Hunico because his name is like a comedy vaudeville thing. It's like "Yo. I got some illegal fireworks from our friend over there." The other guy goes, "Who? Nico?" The first guy goes, "Hunico."
Then the other guy goes, "Who? Nico?" Then the first guy goes, "Hunico!" Then the other guy shoots him.
The match ended while I was clipping my toenails but I heard the Josh Matthews guy go, "Hunico steals one from Ted DiBiase." Here' s a secret Josh Mathews - no one has to steal a win from Ted DiBiase. They're just there. Take one.
Shawn Michaels and Triple H have a bromance. Here. Look.
The Uso Brothers audition for STOMP as they come to the ring. They don't use brooms though. They're fighting Primo and Epico. The things I would do to their manager Rosa are insane. It even bugs me out a bit to think it. Then again, I'm getting really trashed right now so I'm coming up with some pretty crazy shit.
Primo and Epico vs. The Usos in a How Long Would Rosa Be Missing Before They Traced Her Back To My House? match
Michael Cole was his usual self for this match. He quizzed Josh Matthews on Spanish and told Booker T that he couldn't speak English. I knew a guy like Michael Cole once. He was called Willy The Weasel and he got hit by a bus. Ah. Fun times. Good match by the way. It felt like I was watching real tag teams fight because they all were dressed alike and all that. In the end, Primo and Epico won because their manager is really hot and the closest the Usos have to a manger is RIkishi and he's not hot.
Daniel Bryan just showed up. He brought his toilet brush face with him. He makes us watch a video of him hitting Randy Orton and Big Show in the head with his title. Grand. Nothing like watching TV while watching TV. He says Big Show left the arena and Randy Orton did too so they're both pansies who are afraid to fight him. He does a whole thing about how no one believed in him. He proved us wrong like Chris Benoit.
I added the Benoit part.
Hello. This is a strange picture.
We get more blah, blah about beating the odds and all that. He makes Lillian Garcia announce him as the champion. She gets off easy. If I was there, you wouldn't believe what I'd make her do.
Teddy Long staggers to the ring in his funny little way. He tells D-Bag that he needs to fight someone tonight - Sheamus. You know that guy? His gimmick is that he's white. He stole it from Chavo Guerrero.
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus in a I Just Puked And Don't Remember Eating Any Lo Mein Recently, Should I Call The Doctor Or Just Go Directly To The Emergency Room Match
Daniel and Sheamus have nearly matching trunks. They're doing this whole black and red thing. I saw something funny here. Whitey does this move where he grabs the other guy's head while he's out on the apron. He leans Bryan's head back and hits him ten times while the audience counts. He has five seconds to be off the ropes or he's DQed. The funny part? The referee only counts to three. The audience counts to freaking ten but he only counts to three. Why? Because he's stupid.
What's even stupider is how this thing ended. Bryan slapped Sheamus. Then he spit at him. Sheamus went buck and kept running into the ropes to beat him up. Of course, you're not allowed to beat someone up in a wrestling match because that would make sense. So the referee grabbed him by the waist and hugged him. The Great White Celtic (Larry Bird?!) tossed him to the ground and the bell rang. Day-Day wins and Ginger Puff has spittle on his face.
Teddy Long didn't clean his office yet because he's a lazy bastard. Wade Barrett and CoCo Rhodes show up and they both want to know who's going to be in the Elimination Chamber Sunday. Teddy says that we're going to have a 1985 Battle Royal to determine the new Chamber guy. He opens it to anyone in a pair of boots. Me, Santa, and that S&M Hooker I keep up with on Facebook are all very interested in this concept.
Rock's in a movie. So is Chyna. Rock doesn't get gangbanged in his. Although I didn't see it yet so I'm not sure.
Ginseng Myballs is next. He puts his turban in a little box that looks like the one Michael Cole used to sit in. Vince must have gotten a good deal on plexiglass. He will be losing to Ezekial Jackson.
Ezekial Jackson vs. Jinder Mahal in a You Ever Be Peeing, Reach Down, And Feel A Long Knotty Stringy Thing Hanging From Your Junk Before Realizing It's Just The String On Your Pajama Pants? Match
I lied about the losing. Jinder Mahal won. He won with a Camel Clutch. He doesn't make him humble afterwards. What you think he is? Chyna? I was surprised. Then again, I finished a bottle of vodka and four beers since the show started. Everything's surprising me. If it wasn't for this Dragon Speech To Text software, this whole report would look like this - dkicdhiojhiosf32ujujhjd boooobs.
Alicia Fox and Tamina Snuka vs. Natalia Neidhart in an I Like Women Who Can Beat Me Up Match
I liked Natty Neidhart even with the farting gimmick. Wait. Did I say "even with"? I meant "especially because of". Natty Neidhart is Jim Neidhart's daughter. Tamina is Jimmy Snuka's daughter. Alicia Fox is Michael J. Fox's daughter. And Beth Phoneix is my daughter because I want to make her call me daddy. My favorite quote of this match was this from Booker T.
"[Tamina Snuka] is a Hawaian Princess. She's just like her father." - Booker T
HAHAHAHHAHA! That's awesome.
Tammy Snooks hit the Superfly splash on Nattie for the win. She then tried to hit the splash on Beth but Farty Narty pulled her away. Tamina's good. I like her coconuts.
Teddy Long is on the phone with his friend ol' buddy F**kstick Charlie when John Lorrienightis (I'm not Googling his name spelling because he sucks and it's a waste of time) and Danny Tortuga walk by to bother him. They question the battle royal decision and offer Jenifer Hudson's boyfriend as a participant. The General Manager sniffs and says that they have "some stink" on them. I once knew a girl like that. Come to think of it, her name was Danny Tortuga!
On Monday, Eve played the role of Eve, Zack Ryder played the role of Zack Ryder. John Cena played the role of John Cena, and Kane played the role of me. It was fun. I watch it on my Tivo when I feel lonely.
WildCard Battle Royal - A Bunch of Guys vs. Each Other in a Wildcard Battle Royal Match
David Otunga uses a lot of baby oil and doesn't seem to be friends with Michael McGillicutty anymore. Good ol' Silly Slutty McGillicutty and his furry face is already in the ring bored by the time Obunga gets there. Zeke Jackson is in the thing too just minutes after he tapped out on TV and disgraced his family and friends. Ted DiBiase was too, but he needed to win this one in order to raise his street cred with the other crack dealing baby stealers. I don't love battle royals, but this one was alright. By the end of the match, Drew McIntyre's hair was out of the pony tail and he looked like Damien Echols. At the end of it all, this thing came down to Otunga and Santino Marella. Santino suddenly turned invincible, ousted him for the victory, and the Internet killed itself.
Show's over. Santino is in the payperview. If you weren't paying for it before, then you're definitely getting it now. He's got a green sock on his hand. Come on. That's worth 20 bucks and a box of Cheese-Its at least.
Oh and since you forgot to ask, I might as well tell you. Great Khali's head is fine! Ooooo. So fine.
