I drink. I laugh. I live. I love. I am. My name is Ralph and I’m wicked buzzed right now.

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned from watching Repo Man. Wisdom was not at the bottom of the bottle, but there in the laugh of the former Demoliton Smash. These are the things I learned:

• Pay your bills. If not, a big guy in spandex will steal your shit. There’s nothing more embarrassing than having your ride stolen right from your driveway by a guy in a lone ranger mask.
  
  
• Any car can be stolen as long as you can break the window.
  
  
• Repo Men can take things besides cars. For example, they can repo loud and obnoxious cowboy hats. Oooo yeah.
  
  
• People fear ropes with hooks on them. They can be used for hitting, tying, strangling, or any other form of torture you decide to do to a prosti…I mean, opponent.
  
  
• Watch out for cars when you repo stuff or else you’ll end up with tire tracks all over your nice spandex.
  
  
• What’s mine is mine. What’s yours…is mine too! Hee hee hee! (That’s an important part of the statement. You have to do the hee-hee-hee or else it doesn’t count.)
  
  
• If you walk hunched over, you look thinner.
  
  
• If you laugh a lot, no one realizes you’re stealing their stuff. If they do notice, you can always just hit them with the hook-rope.
  
  
• If the repoing doesn’t work out, you can always be a bully or a golfer or some shit.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.