Crazy Uncle Ralph's Wrestling Hall of Fame: Class of 2009

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The Berzerker

HUSS!   HUSS!   What the f**k's he saying?   Huss?  

Nothing like a Viking with a sword and braindamage to scare the heck out of someone.   I wouldn't fight him.   Ever.   I'd fight all the big muscle guys in a second – Goldberg, Brock, Mr. Fuji.   But I ain't fighting Nutso The Sword Wielding Viking.

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Fanny Packs

All wrestlers wear fanny packs.   They wear 'em to bed.   So this is my second honor.   If it wasn't for fanny packs, guys wouldn't be able to keep their wallets or fake pee or whatnot.   Speaking of fake pee, make sure to never drink from the apple juice container marked "Guests Juice" if you come to by house.   Consider that your gift from me for reading my stuff.

Those Two Federettes I Wanted To Do

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Mmmmmm.   I love you both.

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   Kobashi

Kobashi is my hero.   I bow to his feet.   For one thing, his name sounds like Coke Machine, but you knew that years ago.   For another thing, I forgot what I was talking about.

Oh.   Kobashi.   Yeah.   This guy's a tank.   He lit up Samoa Joe like a big Samoan Christmas Tree.   Which I would imagine looks just like a regular Christmas Tree.   So that analogy didn't work.   Whatever.   Kobashi is God and you're all alive because he allows it.

Michael Cole's Facial Hair

It's here.   It's there.   It's everywhere.   He's the Wooly Willy of the WWE.   Here's to you, Michael.   You damp scamp tramp.   Groom yourself like crazy!

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Aaron Wood

Don't believe the hype.   He's a fine young cannibal.   Plus, he promised to hook me up with some freaky Scottish chicks and promised none would be dudes in kilts.  But he laughed after, so I'm not so sure.

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Mantaur

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Half Man.   Half Taur.   Everyone laughs at this guy, but would you want to fight him?   No.   No you wouldn't.   Know why?   He'd run you over then eat you.   That's what he'd do.   Then what would you do?   Nothing.

You'd do nothing.

Because you'd be eaten.

Who's laughing now, you taur-less punk?