So get this. Guttman calls me up and asks me to watch TNA or else he's not coming to get me.
Wait. Let me back up. I got arrested for peeing in the kids section of my library. Right on "Where The Wild Things Are". The librarian came over and I accidentally slapped her. Four times. In the face with the pee-stained book. It could happen to anyone. Well, not just anyone. Me. Uncle Ralph.
So, I call Guttman from jail and he asks me to watch TNA or else he's not coming to get me.
I asked him about Corey Levinson. He told me that, first, he's off this week and second, his name is Letson.
So I figured, let's cover for Corey. Let's, son.
I got home late because we couldn't drive down the library block on account of this funny little restraining order that I'm going to break tomorrow anyway. But when I got home, there was this little guy with a big title in the ring along with Bubba Ray Dudley and Jeff Hardy.
It was as if I was back in 2000, only I had less money and a little guy with big sideburns was playing the roles of both Matt Hardy and D-Von.
Ray's not happy because Jeff Hardy paints his face like a six year old. Bubba has theories about who caused Aces and AIDS. He thinks James Storm gave TNA the AIDS. Bubba Ray Biceps shares his thoughts on the group and has this intelligent discussion with the dude in kiddie party facepaint. They talk back and forth as sideburns guy disappears in the background. Ha! Sideburns guy. Has a suit on too. I should call him suit guy too. Nah, that's stupid.
The Champion says his name is Austin Aries, which makes me think he might be behind Aries and AIDS. He makes fun of Silly Ray's calves and gives his own guess. Bubba Ray is behind Aces and Eggs. That's who. Ray Ray says it's Storm. I'm bored. I wish I was at the library. At least there, I can pee wherever I want.
At this point, Al Qaeda comes on the video screen. They all have WCW Lucha masks and make threats. They all also have AIDS and are eating eggs. These must be the guys. They promise to make themselves felt tonight. You can feel 'em all you want, but don't go too far. Remember their name.
Samoa Joe is my boy
. He's fighting a guy named loosely after condoms, Magnus. I like Joe's Mohawk. If I still had enough hair, I'd do a Mohawk. I might draw one on with a marker and see how it looks in the mirror. Hang on.
OK. I'm back. It didn't come out too good. I couldn't find a marker, so I just sort of carved it in with a pencil. I think it might look better once the bleeding stops.
TNA Michael Cole tells me to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter because she breaks news. But don't follow her in real life, because she also breaks wind.
In the end, Joe beats Trojus. He moves up in the Bound For Glory Series. Know what that means? No you don't. Maggie hits him with a chair afterwards because he secretly likes him and he doesn't know how to show it. Like the little boy who pulls the girl's pigtails. Joe don't have pigtails, though. Just a bad ass, non-bleeding, pencil-less Mohawk.
There's a woman with a title belt doing an interview. She has to go see Hulk Hogan's daughter.
Must need advice about Adam's apples.
The girl's name is Madison Rayne. That's what her video thing says when she comes to the ring and happily says she's the Knockout Champion. You know what would make you really happy, Madison Rayne? The trunk of my car. Get in. I have chocolate cake in there.
She brings out Earl Hebner, the little doofy referee, to thank him. She seems to be on his jock. Damn. Maybe I have a chance after all. We might not need to do the trunk thing. She might be able to sit in the back seat all tied up instead.
Brooke Hogan walks out next. She bans Earl from refereeing anymore female matches and tells Madison that she has a match tonight. It's against Miss Dressmaker. There's also a special guest referee who will be announced later tonight. Rayne yells at her and challenges her to get in the ring. Brooke does and Madison Rayne runs away just in time. That was close. Lucky for Rayne, Brooke tripped over her penis on the way to the ring.
Suddenly two members of Avis and AIDS show up. They back Brooke into a corner and talk at her until a bunch of TNA guys come out. It's just like the New World Order vs. WCW except that it's exactly like the New World Order vs. WCW.
During the commercial break, I find out where Matt Morgan is now. He's an insurance salesman. He should offer Matt Morgan insurance. Then, right after you sign, he beats the shit out of you and hands you a 50 dollar bill.
Sting has wicked déjà vu in the ring. He talks to Aprons and Eggs about how bad they are. He tells them that they got in the face of a "woman" named Brooke Hogan. So, right there - lie. He challenges the New World AIDS Eggs to a match against him, Jeff Hardy, Austin Aries, and Kurt Angle next week on Impact. Brings your eggs, bitchsnots.
Chris Daniels, Frank Kazarian, and AJ Styles all have some girly drama over AJ knocking up a girl named Claire. That's a fat girl's name. He challenges Chris Daniels to a match. If Daniels wins, he'll admit to being the baby's daddy. Yeah. Cause that's not f**king stupid or anything.
When the match between the two goes on, it's a fight. The guy with writing on his ribs vs the guy with the itty-bitty-tween-the-titties-tattoo. I decide, since it's Thursday, I should go do some shots of vodka and dishwashing liquid. Don't knock it till you tried it. Hang on.
IUAGEFadsfah, okkkkk Im back. Wow. That was a good one. Match was good too. But that's what they do. They have good matches these guys. It's they're gimmick. If they couldn’t wrestle, they'd be unemployed and maybe homeless. Even with all the stupid baby stuff, you can enjoy the match for what it is. Two men fighting. Two men battling. Two men with tattoos I would never get.
Kaz came out at the end and tried to help Daniels cheat. The referee didn't allow it and AJ hit this sick ass flipping kick for the win. Looked great. Can't wait to try it on my mailman later.
All of TNA's backstage videos look like they're videoed by someone hiding behind a window with an iPhone. Even though the video person is outside the room, the sound is crystal clear. It's looks like the videos I have of my neighbor's grandma doing her aerobic workouts. Creepy. This backstage voyeur video has Sting and Hulk Hogan on the phone. Hulk promises to be at Impact next week when Anus and Apes show up to fight.
Also backstage, Jeff Hardy talks to James Storm about his role in all this sketchy shit. Storm calls Jeff shady. It's the nicest thing anyone's called him in months.
Ravishing Robby Roode comes out in a suit. He has a microphone which means he's either going to speak to us or juggle it. He doesn't juggle it because he's a bad guy and that would make me clap. Good call TNA. He says that Austin Aries is a fluke. I think that means he's a fish or something. I like to go fishing and share with everyone too. Last year, I gave the entire neighborhood crabs for Christmas.
Roode says he doesn't get a rematch against Awful Aries now and he's upset. So he's quitting TNA. Nice. Hey Bruce Prichard, JBL called and said you can be his friend but you can't steal his storylines. Wait, I take that back. You can. Because you just did.
Girls are next. They must love it when family members ask what company they work for and they say "TNA". All their old aunts must think they're hookers. Madison and Miss Tessmacher face off with a special referee. Who is it? The masculine Hogan child introduces Taryn Terrell.
She's also known as Tiffany in WWE. Guttman interviewed her on ClubWWI.com during her run on the Diva Search. He told me she's crazy.
For serious. Didn't much like her. He won't admit that, but I'll tell you. It's true. She's nuts.
Lots of screaming and hairpulling but no boobies come out. So, sorry. On a side note, my head has started to scab over and it looks pretty cool actually. It's like Bam Bam Bigelow. I'm gonna try a cartwheel. Hang on.
OK. I'm back. I fell on my head. Now it's bleeding again. What a terrible decision. Why did you let me do that?!
Match ends with Miss Dressmaker pinning Madison thanks to some confrontational yelling from Crazy Darren Terrell. She's nuts. Shot on Stacy Kiebler, if I remember.
The big final match is between Jeff Hardy and Bubba Ray Dudley. This match would be a main event in any arena featuring a WWF B card from the year 2000. James Storm is at ringside because he likes to be around people. They beat each other up for a while and Jeff's makeup starts to run. Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Mabeline.
The match ended when Acorns and Aches ran in. Everyone got confused and Jeff Hardy pinned Bubba. Afterwards James Storm argued with him and then tried to punch him, but punched Jeff Hardy by mistake. I wish I could be clearer, but the blood is running into my eyes and it really hurts. So I'm just going to end this thing here.
If I have time tomorrow, I'll post more. I plan on using the computer over at the library.