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Uncle Ralph looks at: Joe vs. Kobashi

By Crazy Uncle Ralph
Nov 30, 2005 - 5:22 PM

...

Last week was a wild week, man. On Thanksgiving, I was munchin' away on turkey and all that good stuff. I was piling it in, boy. I wasn't even looking and I think I accidentally ate the friggin' napkin ring. Really.

So anyways, after dinner I went in to the living room to drink heavily and throw beer cans into the fireplace. In there was James Guttman, my nephew, and he's watching some tape on the VCR. I asked him what it was.

"Hey stupid, what is that?"

He gave me the finger and said that it was Kobashi vs. Joe - some match from Ring of Honor. Since I didn't have anything else to do (except for the heavy drinking), I sat and watched.

Holy f**k, man! What a friggin' match!

First of all, you had this kid, Samoa Joe. He's built like a goddamned Buick. He don't look like those bodybuilder fairy marys you see all the time on TV. He's not ripped, shredded, or whatever they call it. He's just a big boy that can kick a little ass.

His opponent was the crazy Japanese guy. That mutha was nuts! He was screaming and freaking out every second. The fans were into it. They started chanting.

"Coke Ma-chine! Coke Ma-chine!"

I was getting into it. So, I was like "Coke Ma-chine! Coke Ma-chine!"

James looked at me and was like, "What the hell are you chanting? Coke machine? What are you a moron? It's Ko-bashi. Ko-bashi. That's the guy's name, genius."

Blah. Little punk. I threw a beer can at his head.

So I watched this match between Kobashi and Joe and it was awesome, man. They looked like they were really fighting and they didn't seem to rest every two seconds like most wrestlers do...and like I do. They were some bad asses. I'll tell ya.

Best part of it all? No commentary. That's right. No commentary. There was no "Hey Tazz, smell my finger." There wasn't no "Puppies! Puppies! I have sex with puppies!" None of that. Just silence and violence.

That's a good one. Silence and violence. I need to market that shit.

My favorite part of the match was the chops. Man oh man! They were chopping each other like friggin' crazy. Just when you think they're done, they keep going.

Chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop!

(pause)

Chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop
-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop!

Sick as balls, my friend. Sick as balls. This match moved me so much that I couldn't stop thinking about it. That weekend, my kids took me to a Japanese restaurant for some Sushi. The waiter came over and asked me if I wanted to have a California Roll. I was like...

"California Roll?! You can't fool me! I know who you are...Kobashi!"

Chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop- -chop-chop-chop
-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop!

So now the waiter is all bleeding, this and that. He's like "I'm gonna call the cops!" So I'm like, "That what you get for messing with Samoa Ralph, bitch!"

So there you go. I recommend this DVD. Buy it. Just remember that you shouldn't do chops to waiters at Sushi places. You'll spend the night in jail...like I did.

COKE MA-CHINE! COKE MA-CHINE!

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