From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
Crazy Uncle Ralph Reviews: See No Evil
By Crazy Uncle Ralph
Jul 27, 2006 - 2:57 PM
Guess what I did last week. Go on guess.
If you guessed that I got drunk and slammed my head into a pay phone until I was bleeding, then you’re right. But that’s not what I’m writing about.
Besides the pay phone incident, I also saw See No Evil. It’s the new mega-hit starring Kane. You might know him as the Monday Night Necrophiliac who hates May 19th, voice boxes, fake hair, and Lita.
First and foremost, let me give you all the backdrop. It’s a horror movie. See No Evil is presented like Saw 2. A bunch of kids hang out in a house and are terrorized by a monster. The monster is Kane, but in the film he’s known as Jacob Goodnight. The writers of the movie named him “Goodnight” because within the first ten minutes most of the audience falls asleep.
Here’s the deal. The movie might make it long term. Once it hits DVDs, you would imagine that college kids will buy it and make it into a drinking game. It’s that type of movie. Everything about it hinges on parody and it seems at times like the film “Evil Dead.” I was waiting for Jacob to say “Give daddy some sugar.”
That was just one of the reasons I didn’t enjoy the film. Here’s the other.
OK, so I went to see the movie and I’m in the theater. I started to watch the movie, but I got a cell phone call. I picked it up and it’s a bill collector. So I’m on the phone and the guy is like “Mr. Ralph, you owe us over $300. If you don’t pay by Friday, we’ll be repossessing your car.” So here I am in the movies, dealing with some chum-bucket who’s threatening me. So, of course, I responded the way you’re supposed to respond.
“Leave me alone or I’m going to kill you!”
Now, at this point, I seem to have annoyed the other four people in the theater. This guy in front of me turns around and he goes, “Will you be quiet?” I told him to go to hell and he said something stupid like, “I’ll see you there.” So I responded the only way I know how.
I slammed my cell phone into his face Paul E. Dangerously style.
I friggin’ whaled on this schmuck. The whole time I’m going, “ECDub! ECDub! Dangerous Alliance! Dangerous Alliance!”
So now he’s all bleeding - this and that. Crying like a girl, “Oh! Help! I’m a 75 year old man. How can you do this to me?” You know, like a little girl. So I kept hitting him until the usher came out. The usher was about 17 and he tells me - get this - “Sir, you have to leave. We can’t have any violence in the theater.”
So I go, “What? Are you on meth, f**kface? I just watched a guy get his arm cut off on the screen.” (That happened in the first five minutes of the movie and it was cheesier than Combos without the pretzels.)
He tells me that the movie is fake. So I go, “Fake?” He goes, “Yeah.” So I gave him the David Schultz treatment and slammed him across the face.
“You think that’s fake? That’s an open hand slap. You think it’s fake, you cotton-pickin’…”
SLAM!
So the cops come and all that and I go to jail for the night. It wasn’t so bad and I met this guy named Rocco who was being held for threatening his neighbor with a tire iron. He goes, “What did you do?” So I told him that I got framed while seeing “See No Evil.” To my shock, he goes “See No Evil? I saw that sh*t. It sucked!”
So there you go. Two thumbs down. Me and Rocco. We both hated it. When it comes out on DVD, I might recommend it simply because you can do shots and stuff whenever someone screams. That might be cool. I used to play that game when I was younger - doing shots when someone screams - only there was no movie involved. Just a cattle prod and some duct tape.