So Matt Dawgs calls me up, right?   He's had a bad week.   His owner ran away or something and he's all, "Ralph.   Ralph.   Can you do a column or something for me on Friday?   Oh, by the way, I wear pink panties."   So me?   I go yeah.   I'm good like that.

Apparently he asked the entire list of characters here on the site.   Fritz Von Stephey, Rinky Dink Lee, Aaron Wood (who's middle name is "Filipino Boys Give Me"), Canadian Whatshisname, "The ROH Ho" James Bullock, Dan Cockrocker, and Miss Mallory – who I don't say bad things about because, well, I'm into her.   He also asked Mike Rickard, who doubles as my lawyer – which explains why I'm in jail every other week.   No one could do it.   James Guttman was gonna do it but he's doing that Raw Insanity thing on Monday and God knows that lazy bastard can't do more than one column and interview a week or else he'll evaporate or something.

So anyway, I told DawgyStyle not to sweat it.   His Uncle Ralph has his back.   After all I just saw The Wrestler.   Why not review it?  

I went to this theater by my house last week and I gotta tell you, it was whacked.   The floors were all sticky and they didn't even have popcorn.   The guy at the counter said they sell hotdogs or something.   But no popcorn.   What the hell?   This is America, right?  

First thing about this movie that I knew was that Marisa Tomei was naked the whole time.   I was like – f**k yeah!   But I didn't expect her to be naked the WHOLE time.   I mean from the start of the movie, there were no clothes.   Hell.   No one had any clothes on!   No one!   About two minutes in, the guy two chairs down from me took off his pants and then…

I realized I had accidentally gone into a porno theater.  

It explained all the guys lined up by the hole in the wall and made sense of the dude's "we got no popcorn but plenty of hotdogs" offer from earlier.   I was like, "Aw crap.   I gotta get out of here and see the Wrestler!"

So after I waited my turn at the hole in the wall, I zipped up, took off, and went down the block the real movie theater.

I got into a fight in the parking lot before I even got into the place.   This dude was like, "You took my spot."   So I go, "I pulled in first!"   I got out of my car and I punched him in the eye…repeatedly.   It was sick.   Like Kimbo Slice shit.   It seemed stupid that this asshair was complaining about my parking when he didn't even have a car.  

Now keep in mind, it's about 11 in the morning so, needless to say, I'm pretty drunk.   So as I'm hitting, my focus starts coming back and I look down at this dude I'm pummeling and I realize it's actually a homeless woman and I parked on her cardboard box.   So she's all crying and stuff and I just get up from her bloody face.   To my credit, I offered to let her stay at my place while she finds a new cardboard box.  

Of course, the way I offered it was by reaching into my trunk and getting out a roll of duct tape and an alumninum baseball bat.   For a homeless lady, that chick could run.

So the movie – sick.   I mean that in a good way.   Mickey Rourke's face looks like my butt after I sit naked on a pile of gravel and broken glass, but whatever.   I'm not here to judge his good looks.   I'll leave that to Matt Dawgs.   My job here is to talk about the movie…and Marisa Tomei's boobies.

Glorious.   They're glorious.   I may end up stalking her because of this movie. I'll add her to the list with Shelly Long, Beyonce, and that midget girl from the Amazing Race a few years back.  Lucky for Marisa, Jessica Simpson was taken off my list, so there's an opening - so to speak.  Badaboom!

Now listen, I don't pretend to be no movie critic (although I do pretend to be state trooper, put fake lights on my car, and pull ladies over).    But this movie was very good.   It was gritty, like me, and pretty true to form.   Wrestling is a sad industry where people are forgotten about fairly quickly and, if you're lucky, you can put your face in a 60 year old guy's ass on TV.   Where else can you get that type of treatment?   Gitmo?   Not anymore, you pinko bleeding hearts.

So listen.   My favorite scene in the movie was this one in a deli where Mickey, frustrated with life, plunges his finger into a slicer in order to get fired.   Blood spurting everywhere.   People screaming.   Children crying.   It was awesome – like my first wedding.   It brought back fond memories.

I recommend this film to anyone who likes wrestling, boobies, and gritty camera work.   Also, if you're a hardcore Ring of Honor fan, you'll want to tune in to see the scenes shot right there at one of the shows.   So, yeah, that should attract about 12 more people.

After the movie, I went back to the other theater and watched the end of "Two Balls For Sister Sarah."   I continued to drink heavily and ended up making friends with that dude who took his pants off.   He was pretty nice, actually.   Who knew that Ric Flair was such a cool guy?