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Crazy Uncle Ralph's OVW Funhouse: Vol 1 - Fear and Loathing in the Ohio Valley

By Crazy Uncle Ralph
Feb 15, 2006 - 12:06 AM

...

Yeah. Hey. What's going on? I'm Ralph.

So I always wanted to watch OVW, ya know? I heard all these good things about it. Problem? I can't go to Kentucky because I have warrants. You know how it is.

Lucky for your Uncle Ralph, I met this girl online. I told her I was a buff young man named Raul. She bought it because I'm a great character actor. Anyway. She has this webcam that she uses to broadcast herself to me when we chat. Well, guess what. I came to find out that PoodleWhips22 lives in Kentucky. You know - Land of OVW. You see where I'm going with this?

I go online when OVW airs and I tell her to put it on in the background of her webcam. Awesome. Your Uncle Ralph's a genius, right? Anyway, that's how I came to see this Ohio Valley Wrestling stuff. I hope this system I have going stays for a while. There's only so long before this girl wants to meet "Raul" face to face. Hope I don't have to kill her. We'll cross that bridge when Raul comes to it.

So here's my thoughts on WWE's little brother. First off, the announcers are Dean Hill and Al Snow. Al Snow's the "Gimme Head" guy from the WWF and Dean Hill is this regular guy with a big ass Rollie Fingers moustache. They call the action. That's their thing.

http://thenationalconvention.com/store2/images/RollieFingerstext.jpg

Also, the arena has this Party Pizza Zone thing. It's sponsored by this local pizza joint and kids win the chance to sit in special seats so they can eat pizza while they watch the wrestling show. Lucky bastards. When I was a kid, we had two games. One was "Poke the Homeless Guy With a Stick." The other one was "Run From the Angry Homeless Guy." Ah, good times.

So, instead of telling you who won what on the last show, I figured we'd just get some background out there. If this is gonna be the first report, we might as well get things straight. Here's what we got.

CM Punk is the focus of lots of stuff. He's this straight edge kid with jewelry on his lip. He tells people that they got "Punked." I guess cause it's his name. I tell people they just got "Ralphed" and they stare at me all werid. So, Punk is supposed to be the cool guy. He's presented as a good guy with an attitude. He was both for a while but all that's over. It's mostly due to his weird relationship with…

Brent Albright. This guy has a big burly Hercules Hernandez beard and always gets backslapped by Punk. This week, he beat up Lip-Ring with help from the Spirit Squad. I guess he's a bad guy now. Why the issue with CM? It's over the OVW Television Title. It was pointless for him, though. Cause while he was rolling around with the straight edge kid, my new favorite wrestler took that title.

Aaron "The Idol" Stevens is the TV Champion. I f**kin' love Aaron "The Idol" Stevens. His gimmick is - ready for this? - a guy who has threesomes. How awesome is that?! He does promos while his ladies, Shelley and Beth, lick him! They look like three-way girls, you know. Kinda three-way-ey. Listen here, Aaron. Toss your Uncle Ralph some of your overflow, buddy. I got more than enough Valentine's Day lovin' to go around.

There's also Osama Rodrigues Alejandro as the "Spanish Announcer." He's kinda funny and his gimmick is that he's loud and not really Spanish. Weird to see someone pretending to be Spanish when not applying for a student loan.

Ronnie Dawber is the resident comedy act. I'm a fan of his. For no other reason than that I used to have a major crush for Pam Dauber when she was on Mork and Mindy. Of course, by " major crush," I mean…you know what I mean. Oh yeah.

Johnny Jeter and Chris Cage (not the NWA Champion, another one) are having this thing with Chet and Seth Skyfire. They all keep cutting each others' hair. Mike the Miz, who just arrived and thought he would be Cage's partner, is involved in it too. Someone needs to give Miz a haircut. He looks like Cameron Diaz in "There's Something About Mary."

On a serious note, the OVW Champion, Matt Cappotelli, had to step down after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was sad to see and I wish him well. The kid was a class act.

Maria's in OVW a lot. Eugene was on last week. Boogeyman showed up a few weeks back. Rene Dupree is hiding from Bob Holly there too. It's a lot of fun. The show is so good that it makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with WWE when their farm league is better than them. Point?

The Spirit Squad. These guys were all decent OVW names. In fact, Ken Doane was great. I caught this three way match he had with Hercules Beard and CM Punk a few weeks ago and he was terrific. Now WWE calls him up and makes him be a fruitcake. I don't get it. What's worse is that they've written the Spirit Squad into OVW's storylines now and it's apparent how stupid the gimmick is. The gimmick doesn't fit in with the rest of the show because...well, the rest of the show is entertaining.

There you go. You should have a good idea of the basics now. I'm sure there's more to tell you, but I don’t want to shoot my " major crush" in this first installment, if you know what I mean. Check back. As long as I keep sweet talking this online chick, you'll keep getting OVW reports. Like the sound of that? Me too. Know what else I'd like the sound of right now? The toilet. Gotta go.

Props to my homeys. Peace.

Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com :

Aaron Aguliera
Skandar Akbar
Brent Albright
Ole Anderson
Road Warrior Animal

Buff Bagwell
Doug Basham
Paul Bearer
Giant Bernard
Big Daddy V
Eric Bischoff
Steve Blackman
Nick Bockwinkel
Bad News Brown
D-Lo Brown
"Jumping" Jim Brunzell
Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci
Bull Buchanan