Hey kids, It’s me, your Crazy Uncle Ralph and boy oh boy am I in a great mood.  Why? Well, because I’ve been drinking since 4am, but that’s not important right now.

I’m also in a great mood because WrestleMania is right around the corner. I plan on watching the show on TV with a descrambler that I stole from my neighbor’s house. The way I see it, I can steal cable as long as I steal the box from someone else. You know the old phrase – "two wrongs make a right"…or something like that. Whatever. Shut up.

So here are my predictions for RassleMania. Who will win? Who will lose? Your Uncle Ralph knows and he’s gonna tell you. One more shot of Jack Daniels and I’ll be ready. Hang on.

OK. I’m ready.

1. Handicap match: Boogeyman vs. Booker T & Sharmell

Now that’s how you use a wife. Make her fight the Boogeyman with you. Even though Sharmell is annoying, she’s not as bad as Stevie Ray is. That guy was annoying. I hated that whole song "Are you Jimmy Ray? Who wants to know? Who wants to know?" Screw that.

My prediction: I’m giving it to the guy who eats the worms. Now can you dig that…. Jimmy Ray?

2. World Tag Team Title: Kane & Big Show vs. Carlito & "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters

What the hell are "tag team titles?" When WWE first announced this, I thought they were saying "tacky titles." I was wondering who would want to win "tacky titles." Turns out they meant, "tag team." The last time those belts were made to matter, Rick Martel was still in white trunks with a red lightening bolt on the ass.

My prediction: Carly and Masters. They’re tacky enough to get the job done.

3. Playboy Pillow Fight: Torrie Wilson vs. Candice Michelle

I just told you I have a descrambler. Unless these two are gonna strip naked and get to thrusting, I have no interest. Spice is just two channels away.

My prediction: Whatever.

4. Casket Match: The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry

I’ve had dental surgery that I looked forward to more than this match.

My prediction: Uh….going out on a limb here….the Undertaker.

5. WWE United States Title: Chris Benoit vs. JBL

This one might not be bad, although I don’t really care about it. I like that Bradshaw drinks beer. I like that Benoit has a missing tooth. So there ya go. Two hard-nosed fighters beating each other down. That’s what I like to see. I hope Benoit chops that cowboy down to the ground like Joe and the Coke Machine. Do it Chris! Beat that boy like a government whore. Oh wait…mule? Is it mule? Government mule? Whatever. I like government whore better.

My prediction: Coke Ma-Chine! Coke Ma-Chine! (Chris Benoit)

6. WWE Women's Title: Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James

I hope they make out again. I have Spice, but I like ladies kissing each other. Who doesn’t? I guess I’m looking forward to this match. WWE’s been building it up since 1982. Plus, I like Mickie. She reminds me of that girl who tried to stab me at the Supermarket. Long story, but let’s just say you shouldn’t go up to the deli counter and say, "Give me a half pound of turkey and this hooch over here will have some of my hard salami."

My prediction: Trish. Wait, maybe Mickie. Does it matter? These two are gonna have rematches until Hunter’s kid is ready for the Hall of Fame.

7. Money in the Bank: Ric Flair vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Lashly vs. Fit Finlay vs. Matt Hardy

Matt Hardy still works there? Holy jeez. OK. Here’s some quick thoughts on all this. First, I miss Mama Benjamin. She made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Second, I miss David Flair. I liked his red cheeks and blank eyes. Third, cheering for RVD is like cheering for the Washington Generals against the Globetrotters. Finally, I like Finlay, because I like drunk fighting Irishmen, but he won’t win because he’s like 80. Same for Flair. That leaves only one guy to take this.

My prediction: Bobby Lashly. I like that guy a lot. He should win and terrorize the company for a solid year. It’s the smartest thing to do….which makes me think it won’t happen.

8. No Holds Barred: Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels

I know what Bret said, but I’m still not sold that he won’t be there. Hell, anyone can say anything. I told police that "I didn’t even know that girl." So that should tell you something. Words…just words. Even without the Hitman, this will still be a barnburner. Vince McMahon is built like a character in the Twilight Zone that switched bodies with someone younger. Damn. If my dad was built like Vince when I was a kid, I probably wouldn’t have done…well, nothing. As I said, I didn’t even know that girl.

My prediction: Shawn Michaels with help from a Hart. If it’s not Bret, then I’m going to go with Gary Hart, the former Senator that ran for President.

9. Hardcore Match: Edge vs. Cactus Jack

I thought Cactus Jack retired. Whatever. As long as he lets the girlfriend stealer get the win, I don’t care. Edge deserves it. He should be World Champion right now. You know it. I know it. Matt Hardy knows it. The kid got screwed. Hopefully he’ll tear off an ear and bring it home as a trophy.

My prediction: Mr. Bang Bang gets Speared and pinned by Mr. Bang Bang Your Girl.

10. World Heavyweight Title: Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio

Ya’ll know I love Orton. The kid is arrogant and awesome. He reminds me of a young Uncle Ralph…right down to the pooping in the gym bags. I like Angle too. Come to think of it, I like Mysterio too. I like em all. Awww…let’s join hands and sing Peter, Paul, and Mary songs. Should be a hell of a match. I’m predicting it to be match of the night. You heard it here first. Well, maybe not first. But at least, like, 11^th.

My prediction: The RKO Kid twirls his way into history again, although I’m not 100% on that.

11. WWE World Title: John Cena vs. Triple H

How can Hunter go though Mania without taking the title? You can’t see it. I can’t see it. We can’t see it. He has a Heavyweight Title match. He has to win. He’s Hunter. He’s Hardcore. He’s Happy! He’s a Hero!

My prediction: DUH!