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Uncle Ralph's Drinking Column: Here's to you...Barry Windham, Ron Bass, and Zeus

By Crazy Uncle Ralph
Mar 17, 2006 - 12:27 AM


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You know what I hate?  I hate the wrestlers that smile too much.  What the hell do you have to smile about?  I ain't paying you to smile!  I steal my cable and watch these shows so I can see men beat up men.  That's what I like about rasslin'.

You say fake?  I say screw you.  Wrestling may be fake, but so is play fighting with your kid brother growing up.  Yet my mom would still tell us to stop messing around or else someone would get hurt.  Why?  Cause whaling away on someone hurts - fake or not.

So here's the column idea.  It's called "Here's to You."  Here's the concept.  I want you.  Yeah, you reading this.  Go and get a drink.  I don’t give a damn what the hell it is.  It could be beer, liquor, soda, or freakin' turpentine for all I care.  Just go get it.  I'll wait.

Hurry up.

You're back.  Good.  Now raise your glasses, ya dilweeds.  Your Uncle Ralph's gonna get you a nice St. Patty's Day Buzz.  We got some toastin' to do.  These are for the men who were tough as nails and took some names.  Smilers need not apply.

http://www.atlantic-crossing.co.uk/acatalog/JD%20Shot%20Glass.jpg

Here's the you…Barry Windham.


You had the nerve to walk out on the US Express and stick the Rotundo kid with Waylon Mercy. 

You went to WCW and cut your hair and put Sting's face paint on, all so you could get the WCW title on Sid.  Even though you fooled the announcers, you still stopped and took that cover photo for Pro Wrestling Illustrated.

You should have won the WCW Title in 1991 when Flair when to the WWF, but they gave it to Luger.   Bitches.

The night you called Dustin Rhodes back to the ring and kicked him in the gut was awesome.  Then when you smashed Steamboat and Douglas to shit with a chair - I gotta admit.  I laughed so hard that I peed a little.

So here's to you, Barry Windham.  I liked your Superplex better than Orton's.

(Now we all drink. Go ahead.  Drink.)

Next…

http://www.atlantic-crossing.co.uk/acatalog/JD%20Shot%20Glass.jpg

Here's to you…Outlaw Ron Bass.


You didn't let Brutus Beefcake push you around.  That punk got up on you and you were like - yeah, check out these spurs, punk-ass.  Goodbye Summerslam, Barberboy.

You named your whip.  Now that's something that only hardcore people do.

You weren't a New Age Outlaw, you were the original Outlaw.  My only regret is that you never got an action figure.

So here's to you, Outlaw Ron Bass.  You were my favorite wrestler that had little horsehoes on the ass of his trunks.

(Drink again)


Finally…

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Here's to you…Zeus.


You not only went crazy and attacked Hulk Hogan with your metal bracelets at Saturday Night's Main Event, you also fought Craig in the Friday movies.

Your acting ability goes beyond D-Bo and No Holds Barred.  Your work in the Santeria video put Gary Coleman to shame.

Your name is that of a God - A big one eyebrowed God with his first initial shaved in his head.

So here's to you Zeus.  Armed and Dangerous was a classic.

(Now drink)

We're done.  Good concept?  You feeling a bit buzzed?  Great.  Now go read this article four more times and  pass out.  Consider it a St Patty's Day gift from your Uncle Ralph.




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Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...

A

Sivi Afi
Aaron Aguliera
Skandar Akbar
Brent Albright
Ole Anderson
Road Warrior Animal
Tony "T.L. Hopper" Anthony

B

Buff Bagwell
Doug Basham
Paul Bearer
Giant Bernard
Big Daddy V
Eric Bischoff
Steve Blackman
Brian Blair
Tully Blanchard
Nick Bockwinkel
"The Boogeyman" Marty Wright
Bad News Brown
D-Lo Brown
"Jumping" Jim Brunzell
Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci
Bull Buchanan

C

Lance Cade
Christian
John Cena Sr.
Chaz "Headbanger Mosh"
Bryan "Adam Bomb" Clark
Rob Conway
Jim Cornette

Justin Credible

D

D-Ray 3000
Scott D'Amore
Christopher Daniels
Shawn Daivari
Dangerous Danny Davis
Dawn Marie
Damian Demento
Colin Delaney
Brother Devon
Demolition Ax
Demolition Smash
Bill DeMott
Ted DiBiase
J.J. Dillon
Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore
Disco Inferno
Spike Dudley

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Kenny Dykstra

E

Bobby Eaton
Paul Ellering

Armando Estrada

F

Manny Fernandez
Francine
Mr. Fuji
Dory Funk Jr.
Terry Funk

G

Greg Gagne
Ronnie Garvin
Jackie Gayda
Robert Gibson
Glacier
Sylvain Grenier
Tod Gordon
Zach Gowen
Juventud Guerrera

H

Chalie Haas
Chris Harris
Bruce Hart
Jimmy Hart
Diva Search's Jessica Hatch
Dave Hebner
Earl Hebner
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Jon Heidenreich
Christy Hemme
Hillbilly Jim
Molly Holly
The Honky Tonk Man
Tim Horner
Scotty 2 Hotty
Sam Houston

Mr. Hughes


I

The Iron Sheik
Ivory

J

B.G. James
Jazz
Ahmed Johnson
Judge Jeff Jones
Orlando Jordan

K


Kamala
Kid Kash
Kevin Kelly
Pat "Simon Diamond" Kenney
Ron Killings
Cpl. Kirschner
Kizarny
Kevin Kleinrock
Brian Knobbs
Ivan Koloff

Nikita Koloff


L

Bobby Lashley
Bruno "Harvey Wippleman" Lauer
Jerry "The King" Lawler
"The Total Package" Lex Luger
Buschwhacker Luke

M

Rodney Mack
Magnum T.A.
Balls Mahoney
Dutch Mantell
Rick Martel
Clarence Mason
"Masterpiece" Chris Masters
Robbie McAllister
Rory McAllister
Matt Morgan
Ernest Miller
Missing Link
Father James Mitchell
Mo From Men on a Mission
Sean Mooney
Ricky Morton

Trevor Murdoch

N

Kevin Nash
Nidia

Nunzio

O

One Man Gang
Sonny Onoo
Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
Oscar From Men on a Mission
Fred "Typhoon/Tugboat/Shockmaster" Ottman
Pierre-Carl Ouellet

Outback Jack

P

Diamond Dallas Page
Ken Patera
Nick Patrick
Thunderbolt Patterson
Jim Powers
Tom Prichard
Ivan Putski

R

Harley Race
Baron Von Raschke
"The Yeti" Ron Reis
Rhino
Dustin Rhodes
Tommy Rich
Rikishi
Paul Roma
"Super Hero in Training" Rosie
Jacques Rougeau
Terri Runnels

Lance Russell


S

Samoa Joe
Bruno Sammartino
Samu
Tito Santana
Dan "The Beast" Severn
Ron Simmons
Elix Skipper
Slick
Tracey Smothers
Al Snow
Sim "Deuce" Snuka
Dennis Stamp
George "The Animal" Steele
Rick Steiner
Scott Steiner
Idol Stevens
The Stro
AJ Styles
Dave "Evad" Sullivan
Kevin Sullivan

T

Dave Taylor
Sylvester Terkay
ECW's Tiffany
Too Cold Scorpio

V

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
Jimmy Valiant
Johnny Valiant
Jesse "The Body" Ventura
Sid Vicious
Vito
Nikolai Volkoff


W

 

Y
David Young
Mae Young


Z

Larry Zybszko

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