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Uncle Ralph's Drinking Column: Here's to you...Barry Windham, Ron Bass, and Zeus

By Crazy Uncle Ralph
Mar 17, 2006 - 12:27 AM

...

You know what I hate? I hate the wrestlers that smile too much. What the hell do you have to smile about? I ain't paying you to smile! I steal my cable and watch these shows so I can see men beat up men. That's what I like about rasslin'.

You say fake? I say screw you. Wrestling may be fake, but so is play fighting with your kid brother growing up. Yet my mom would still tell us to stop messing around or else someone would get hurt. Why? Cause whaling away on someone hurts - fake or not.

So here's the column idea. It's called "Here's to You." Here's the concept. I want you. Yeah, you reading this. Go and get a drink. I don’t give a damn what the hell it is. It could be beer, liquor, soda, or freakin' turpentine for all I care. Just go get it. I'll wait.

Hurry up.

You're back. Good. Now raise your glasses, ya dilweeds. Your Uncle Ralph's gonna get you a nice St. Patty's Day Buzz. We got some toastin' to do. These are for the men who were tough as nails and took some names. Smilers need not apply.

http://www.atlantic-crossing.co.uk/acatalog/JD%20Shot%20Glass.jpg

Here's the you…Barry Windham.

You had the nerve to walk out on the US Express and stick the Rotundo kid with Waylon Mercy.

You went to WCW and cut your hair and put Sting's face paint on, all so you could get the WCW title on Sid. Even though you fooled the announcers, you still stopped and took that cover photo for Pro Wrestling Illustrated.

You should have won the WCW Title in 1991 when Flair when to the WWF, but they gave it to Luger. Bitches.

The night you called Dustin Rhodes back to the ring and kicked him in the gut was awesome. Then when you smashed Steamboat and Douglas to shit with a chair - I gotta admit. I laughed so hard that I peed a little.

So here's to you, Barry Windham. I liked your Superplex better than Orton's.

(Now we all drink. Go ahead. Drink.)

Next…

Here's to you…Outlaw Ron Bass.

You didn't let Brutus Beefcake push you around. That punk got up on you and you were like - yeah, check out these spurs, punk-ass. Goodbye Summerslam, Barberboy.

You named your whip. Now that's something that only hardcore people do.

You weren't a New Age Outlaw, you were the original Outlaw. My only regret is that you never got an action figure.

So here's to you, Outlaw Ron Bass. You were my favorite wrestler that had little horsehoes on the ass of his trunks.

(Drink again)

Finally…

Here's to you…Zeus.

You not only went crazy and attacked Hulk Hogan with your metal bracelets at Saturday Night's Main Event, you also fought Craig in the Friday movies.

Your acting ability goes beyond D-Bo and No Holds Barred. Your work in the Santeria video put Gary Coleman to shame.

Your name is that of a God - A big one eyebrowed God with his first initial shaved in his head.

So here's to you Zeus. Armed and Dangerous was a classic.

(Now drink)

We're done. Good concept? You feeling a bit buzzed? Great. Now go read this article four more times and pass out. Consider it a St Patty's Day gift from your Uncle Ralph.

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